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“Is your mama in heaven?” Gabriel asked, and I had the urge to scold him for being so blunt, especially about a sensitive subject, but Carlos answered before I could open my mouth.
“Yes. She's an angel.”
I touched his shoulder in support. His voice was pained when he spoke, as though the wounds from the loss of his mother were still fresh. I wasn't sure what I'd feel if my own mother were to die, but I imagined it would be nothing akin to what he experienced. His hurt became mine. I wanted to take it away in much the same way I did when Gabriel hurt. Gabriel dropped to his knees, clutching the rosary in his palm. Carlos mimicked him, and I followed, the three of us on the floor in a circle. We held hands while Gabriel bowed his head and said a sweet prayer for Miss Ruby. I wasn't religious per se, but I felt I owed it to Gabriel to give him the option so he could decide what he believed for himself when he got older.
After we’d put him to bed, Carlos led me to the living room, and we sat on the sofa, facing each other. His hands sought mine as if he needed them for support, and he looked somber.
The evening had been too perfect. “What do you have to tell me that I'm not going to like?”
“Probably quite a few things.” There wasn't a trace of humor in his voice.
I sat up straighter and braced myself for the worst.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Carlos
I didn't wantto tell her who I was. When I was with her and Gabriel, that part of me didn't exist anymore. Instead of facing it, I used distraction.
“Who is Gabriel's father, and why isn't he in the boy's life?” Okay, so that wasn't exactly what I'd meant to say. But it was out there, and I wanted to know.
Holly yanked her hands from mine, her expression turning stormy. “We're talking about you. Gabriel is off-limits,” she said stiffly.
I tried to pretend that didn't sting, but it did, like a motherfucker. “I need to know what I'm up against. If you don't tell me, that makes it harder for me to protect you.”
“We've done just fine on our own.” Holly's chin lifted, green eyes flashing.
“I can see that, but you aren't on your own any longer.”
“No, Carlos. My son is my responsibility, and if you can’t accept that—” Holly stood, shutting me out as if all the progress I believed we'd made over the past few weeks was negated in an instant.
I stood and wrapped her in my arms. I needed to feel her, breathing deep as her scent filled my nose. I let all my walls crumble. If I had any chance, I had to let her see it all. “I'm stalling because I'm afraid.” Her breath hitched. “When I tell you the truth, I'm terrified you'll want nothing to do with me, and I can't let that happen. Not when I've felt like a whole person for the first time since my mother died, and that’s because of you and Gabriel. “
Her eyes glistened with unshed tears. “I need to be sitting down for this, don't I?”
I sank down on the sofa, arranging Holly so she was between my legs.
“My father was the head of one of the largest drug cartels in Central America. Now that he's dead, technically that's my position.” I paused, letting her absorb that for a moment. “The life I've led isn't one I wanted. It was done out of necessity.”
I told her the rest, leaving nothing out.
“About a month after I shipped Muriella away, I turned to my old comforts. I snorted enough cocaine up my nose that my heart should have exploded. Looking back, I think I wanted to die.”
Holly's lips parted, a puff of shocked air slipping out, but our hands remained joined, and it was a lifeline for me.
“I reached into my pocket for my cigarettes, but all I found was Mama's rosary. As jacked up as I was, something inside woke when I touched it. It was as if my mother was telling me my duty to protect my sister was far from over. That if I kept up this self-destructive behavior, my father won. I still drank, but I never touched the powder again.”
She touched my face. “I know what an addict looks like, how they behave, because I've lived around them all my life. You aren't one.”
“My abuse of drugs isn't the problem.”
“You're a drug lord,” she surmised, though I didn't hear the disgust I’d expected.
“I thought I’d be done with it once I eliminated my father, but this isn't a life you simply walk away from. That world doesn’t let you. The things I've done, the people I've associated with . . . I'll always be tied to it.”
“What do you mean, 'eliminated'?”
“Exactly how it sounds. It's the cause I've been dedicated to since I was sixteen. He located my sister several weeks ago and nearly got her back, so I had to speed up the timetable for his demise,” I answered, and she appeared stunned. “I'd rather not get into specifics with you for your own safety, but know this: when I came to New York, it was with the hope of having a relationship with Camila again.Muriella. I never expected you and Gabriel. It's changed everything for me, but there are things I still have to do, and I want to keep you as far away from them as possible.” I didn’t know what she was thinking, though I saw her mind working.
