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“Victor,” she repeats. “Why do you call him by his first name?”
I’m usually so careful when I talk to Pavone and the others, calling him Corvi, but I hadn’t thought about minding my tongue so much around Vanessa.
I shrug uncomfortably, unable to come up with a good answer. “Victor’s a better man than Pavone, at any rate.”
Vanessa stares at me, shock registering on her features. I want to sigh and collapse back on the bed, to ask her to leave me alone to clean up and wallow in peace, but I feel so guilty with the way I’m treating someone who only cares about me.
“How can you even say that?”
“Because it’s true.” I don’t tell her about Saint and Angelo. I don’t tell her about anything they’ve done to me—all the things I keep forgetting, all the reasons why I left. It was bad enough saying things have been worse, even though I’d really been referring to Pavone’s “pissing contest.”
Which I’m absolutely not telling Vanessa about if she doesn’t already know.
“You were crying. When I picked you up,” Vanessa says quietly. “I was so terrified. When you called the first time, when I didn’t hear from you again… And when you finally did contact me. You’re always so strong, but when you cried like that… I thought Corvi had broken you. He’s a monster.”
“He didn’t break me,” I snap. “Victor’s a monster, yes, but he’s not like Pavone. There’s always a reason for what he does.” Reasons I’m not always able to see. I still don’t understand why he let me get away that night. “And at least Victor sometimes…”
Sometimes he made me feel powerful. Sometimes I felt like we were on equal footing. Made me drown in pleasure, even when he made me cry. Took me apart, only to build me up again.
“At least he sometimes what?” Vanessa prods.
I don’t know what exactly to say to that. I doubt she’d understand the utter thrill I’d felt when dominating Saint, the way he’d helped me learn how to lift myself so high only to drag me down to earth again. It had been an addictive feeling.
No wonder I let myself get pulled in last night.
“He didn’t always make me feel like a victim. Not like Pavone does,” I finally say. The words sound strange even to my ears, and Vanessa gives me a look.
“But you were a victim,” she insists, like I really need to be reminded. “And that’s okay. There’s no shame in it. You survived it, and that’s the important part.”
I’m not really sure Victor didn’t break something inside of me, either. But… He also showed me I have more strength than I thought, and that’s something I can’t help but be a little bit grateful for.
Somebody survived, but I’m not sure it’s the same Lucia who got kidnapped by the Rosa di Sangue.
“I can’t imagine being locked in a room for almost three months,” Vanessa adds. “Locked in one man’s bedroom. I’m going out of my mind, and it’s only been a few days for me.”
“I wasn’t…” I stop myself, but it’s too late. Vanessa heard me.
“You weren’t locked up?”
I go sit next to her on the bed, close enough so she can hear me even through my whisper. “Don’t tell Pavone or Rossi, all right? It’s better if they think Victor is an impotent loser who mostly ignored me.”
“Wait. You’ve been lying?” She gives me the strangest look. “I couldn’t tell. When you were talking about him to Pavone.”
For some reason, her words make me feel a little uncomfortable. “I’m… sorry?” I say, feeling like I should apologize but not knowing exactly why. “I don’t know, it’s just safer if he thinks Victor’s that way.”
“I didn’t think you could lie so smoothly. That’s all.”
It sounds like an accusation, and I tense up. “Considering who our father was, yeah. It’s a skill I’ve had to pick up. And it’s helped us out a few times already.”
Vanessa presses her lips together in disapproval. “You were lying about that guard, weren’t you. The one Angelo gored.”
“No!” I say quickly. “I told him not to touch me, and he did it anyway.” I may have exaggerated a little bit, but that part doesn’t seem like something I should tell her. “He deserved what he got. Besides, didn’t you hear how he was talking about our mother? I’m not going to be sad a guy like that got himself killed.”
“Got himself killed?” Vanessa jerks away from me. “Angelo murdered him! His blood was everywhere! The scissors…” She starts heaving again, and I just barely resist the urge to roll my eyes. “You barely reacted to that, too. I remember. You… You wereflirtingwith Angelo.”
Christ. Why did she have to pick now to have all these revelations and throw them in my face? I just want a fucking shower to wash Pavone’s hands and cum off of me!
“Nessa… It’s… it’s complicated. All right?” I say. I’m not sure how to explain, not without flat-out telling her that Angelo is going to be helping us out of this mess. “Angelo can be trusted,” I insist in low but insistent tones.
