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I cut myself off and a weird, loaded silence follows my statement. My heart squeezes and I look up at Ethan, but his face is blank. Is he thinking about the same thing I am—AKA his job opportunity in Montana? What’s going to happen with us if he accepts the position?
I can’t help but wonder again if we really can make this work. Or whether we only work exclusively in a grandparent’s-will-request kind of situation.
Finally, I can’t take it anymore. I have to ask.
“Are you—” I start as Ethan says, “I was thinking—”
We both stop, share a glance.
I gesture towards him. “You go first.”
“Okay.” He rubs his jaw. “I wanted to ask how you’re feeling about us.”
My heart slams. The man can read my mind, so does he know how nervous I feel about this conversation? “How are you feeling about it all?”
Ethan waits a beat, smiles this sweet, tender smile I suspect is reserved only for me. “I’m feeling good, Teeny. Really good.”
“Really?” I ask. “You’re not having, like, second thoughts or doubts or anything?”
“The only doubt I have is whether I can hold off on kissing you,” he teases, and leans down to kiss my cheek, right next to my mouth.
My body breaks out in shivers, but I hold back. Place a palm on his chest. “Are you sure?”
A little crinkle forms between his brows. “Of course. What’s on your mind?”
“Nothing,” I say quickly. “I just wanted to check.”
“When it comes to you, I have no doubts. Are you having doubts?”
“Well…” I trail off. “I can’t help but wonder if everything’s going to change.”
“What do you mean?”
I swallow thickly. Part of me wants to forget this conversation, squash it down, but I have to be brave. I have to be New Val. “You might change your mind.”
Now, Ethan comes to an abrupt halt. His hand is loose around mine, but he doesn’t let go. “You think I could?”
“You did once before.”
Ethan looks visibly shocked. He takes both my hands, looks into my eyes. “I never changed my mind about you, Val. That was never what it was about. Four years ago, I did what I did because I didn’t want to lose you. Though, I guess I did anyway…”
I open my mouth, but can’t find words to say. We really did lose each other, and I know I’m at least partly to blame for that.
I remember the pain of those few months after he ended it. How I threw myself into dating Randal and how I fought tooth and nail for that relationship, even when it turned out to be the wrong one. I pushed those feelings away for so many years, refused to acknowledge how awful it felt to lose Ethan. He tried to reach out a couple times after moving to Aston Falls, but I never responded. It hurt way too much, and I couldn’t deal with it at the time.
“I was heartbroken,” I say quietly.
A flash of pain crosses his features. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve replayed it in my mind. Kicked myself for the way that night went. That was the last thing I wanted to happen.”
“So what did you want?”
He gestures towards a bench. We take a seat, and I lift one of my legs under me. “That night, I had a plan for us. My granddad and grandma were involved, even Ray. I put together that treasure hunt, and at the end, there was the biggest surprise of all.” His shoulders drop and he looks suddenly defeated. “I had a ring. I wanted to do a pre-posal. Not a proposal because we were so young, but, like, a promise for a proposal.”
What?!
He mistakes the reason for my silence. “I’m sure that sounds stupid.”
“It doesn’t,” I manage, my voice mechanic. “You were going to pre-pose to me?”
