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When Ryle stays at my place, and suddenly, I wish he was at my place more often, we read a story at night. I know Jules reads to him, too, but when Ryle and I read, we act it out. Like, if we’re reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Ryle pretends he’s eating everything the caterpillar eats in the story. So, Julie might say my bedtime reading style isn’t conducive to sleep.
But it’s fun.
I know Ryle will want her to read to him, even if I’m here waiting for her to come back. So I wander around her living room, hands still in my pockets, and get to know my ex-girlfriend again. This time, as a grown woman, the mother of my son and not just my high school and college sweetheart.
Julie’s house is small, but it’s newer than most on her block. The carpet is nice; the woodwork is pristine—no scratches, no dust. A blue afghan is folded on the end of the sand-colored sofa. A recliner in a darker color of sand sets over by the window. She probably rocked Ryle to sleep in that recliner.
Not for the first time, it hits me what Julie went through on her own when she had Ryle. But something about standing in her home, knowing she’s down the hall tucking our little boy into bed in their house, really drives the loneliness home. I imagine it was hard for her when Ryle was little. She’s always been good with him, but it hits me as I wait for her to come back, how much work she’s done with and for my son.
I wish things were different.
Moving through the living room, I head back to the kitchen. I won’t leave until she comes back, but I feel like I shouldn’t be roaming through her house without Ryle. Instead of getting comfortable on her sofa, I pull out a chair and sit at the kitchen table again. The dinner dishes are done and put away. The counter and table are spotless. There’s a bottle of chewable vitamins on the counter by the toaster. A cup shaped like a dinosaur next to it.
I swing my gaze to the refrigerator and study Ryle’s artwork there. There’s a picture of what appears to be a superhero of some sort with a car in his hands. Wonder what that symbolizes. I would know if Jules had an accident or something, wouldn’t I? Maybe Ryle drew it after Harper’s accident?
Another picture hangs on the freezer side. It’s obviously a dog, but it has Ryle’s name and the date in the top corner, so I assume it was a school assignment. Around the artwork, Jules has peppered the fridge and freezer doors with snapshots. I can’t see them all that clearly from where I’m sitting, but a few are bigger prints, and I can make out Ryle’s grin and his eyes. Intrigued, I get up to move closer and study the pictures. Most of them are shots of Ryle, some Ryle with Ethan, and some with one of his friends from school. There’re a couple pictures of Jules—one with Ryle and one with her friend Dani, both of them all dolled up with drinks in their hands.
I wonder when that was taken. Jules is radiant—the makeup and fancy hairstyle are both gorgeous, but what makes the picture is the smile on her face. She looks happy. Really, truly happy. And while I love that, while it’s all I’ve ever wanted for her, I feel guilty. It wasn’t enough that I hurt her; I left her alone with a baby and changed her mind about wanting a relationship in the future. She wouldn’t trust just anyone with Ryle, and I appreciate that. But she’s too young to be happy alone. Julie’s a successful, independent woman, so she doesn’t need a man to complete her. She showed me that.
But she should have someone around to love her. To cherish her. Of course, I wish that someone was me, but knowing that’s never going to happen makes me wish she would trust again and find someone to grow old with.
Wow.
I give myself a mental shake. What has gotten into me? First the growing resentment with my job, with the travel, being gone away from Ryle so much. Then the canceling work travel, putting the brakes on a few of my big acquisitions, and handing more responsibility over to my assistant. And now this? Wishing my ex had someone to grow old with?
And I’m not even drinking.
“Hey.”
I huff out a sigh and turn when I hear Jules behind me. She eyes me curiously as she moves with hesitation to the table.
“Is he out?”
“Oh yeah.” She laughs and raises her eyebrows. “He must have played hard today.”
Holding the eye contact, I can only nod.
“I thought.” She clears her throat and looks away. “I thought maybe you got tired of waiting on me and left.”
“Nah.” I shrug and go back to the table to sit. “Just didn’t feel right to make myself at home in the living room.”
She nods but keeps her eyes averted.
“So, who asked you out?” I ask with a grin. “Anyone I know?”
“Dani’s trying to set me up with Eric’s cousin.”
“Oh.”
“He’s a nice guy.” She shrugs. “But I’m not interested.”
“It’s okay to find someone, Julie.”
I don’t mean to say it. The words are out of my mouth before I even know I’m thinking them. She jerks her gaze back to me and meets my eyes.
“I mean, I know…” I hold my breath for a second and then figure why not? Already started, might as well go all in. “I know I hurt you. But there’s someone out there who will treat you like a queen and love Ryle like his own.”
I don’t know what I want her to say, but the longer she stares at me, the more I worry what she’s thinking. Finally, she swallows hard, shakes her head, and looks away again.
