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A restlessness I hadn’t felt in ages crept up. I needed to know more. “You never told me. I would have believed you.” The sting had lessened over the years, but the familiar hurt wasn’t so far out of reach with him standing in front of me. “You broke up with me. I just don’t understand why. So, stay home a semester, or go to community college—whatever. We could have stayed together.”
His lip twitched. He blinked a few times, then slowly he nodded. “I don’t know how to say it any other way but the break-up wasn’t about you.” He wiped his hands against the grilling apron. “My brother…he had a hard time in college. Worse than the family let on. Gabe’s story isn’t mine to tell, but I’ll say he struggled hard. Eventually, he got the help he needed. All I saw at the time was my older brother, my hero, a total wreck. It scared me.”
This was new. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”
“No one did. Senior year, I started to feel this pressure I had to live up to what my parents wanted. All due to Gabe failing. We didn’t yet know he was suffering mentally. They still hardly talk about it. They told me not to say anything. To anyone. I guess the pressure finally came together and I couldn’t go through with it. I wanted my own life, not some two-point-oh version of his.”
He tended to the food again as dozens of questions stacked up in my mind. Burgers and hot dogs came off the grill. Wordlessly, I picked up a paper plate he’d set on the patio table and assembled a burger and a vegetable kabob. He sat moments after me with his own plate.
I took the biggest bite of burger possible and focused on chewing. I felt awful not knowing Gabe—and his family—had been dealing with so much. My own mom never mentioned anything about Gabe’s trouble at college, so maybe she hadn’t known either. Adam said they hardly discussed it.
And clearly I’d missed any and all signs. I should have noticed…something. Then again, I’d been starry-eyed over Adam and fixated on my own grades and college applications. All while Adam had been worried and suffering his own inner turmoil. He hadn’t trusted me enough to tell me.
He hadn’t trusted our relationship could weather through those hardships.
He’d given me his reason, but I somehow felt cheated. The hurt still felt too real.
4
Adam
Jillian fumed silently as she ate her burger. At least, I assumed she was fuming. She focused entirely on her food and wouldn’t look at me.
I knew my explanation wouldn’t bleach away the stink I’d caused, but it was the truth.
Okay, a part truth. I felt a little bad throwing my brother and our family secrets up as a cover, but it wasn’t a total lie. I’d been a mess seeing him spiral after my parents put so much pressure on him to become a doctor. I knew they were looking at me to make up for what they viewed as failures, even if they wouldn’t admit it out loud. Only I’d never been the one to fill his shoes. I didn’t want anything to do with college and a parent-approved career track after that. So I opted out, completely.
And yeah, I wasn’t exactly honest when I told Jillian our break-up wasn’t about her. Of course it was about Jillian. At the time, I believed I was a disappointment. She deserved someone smart like an astrophysicist or something I’d never be. Most high school relationships didn’t last. I did her a favor and spared her the inevitable.
We were barely eighteen. What did we know about real love? Probably nothing.
All I knew was I hadn’t wanted to mess up her life. At the time, breaking up seemed the logical thing to do. She had goals and dreams. I didn’t. She was thrilled to jump in with every limb to U of M life (go blue!) and I couldn’t bring myself to care about any of it.
She finished the burger and vegetables while watching the evening activity on the lake. “You still have a boat?”
I gave her a look. “What do you think?”
She smiled enough to take the edge off whatever she was feeling. I’d take it.
“We can go out on the water.”
“I’d like that.”
We moved the leftovers to the house and I locked up. I led her to the shoreline. The trees separating our lot from the one next door thinned out closer to the water, revealing a backyard filled with dudes at the rental.
“Aye!” One of them waved at us. “You’re right next door!”
Jillian’s cheeks colored. “Vincent. He must think we’re friends.” Her face brightened to an exaggerated smile as she waved back at the guy. “Hello! Yup, just staying with a…friend.”
“How convenient! You want a brewski?” Vincent held up a can.
Jillian snorted. “Who says brewski?” she said to me. “No thanks” she shouted back.
“He’s trying to be funny. He’s clearly into you.”
“He thought I was hired entertainment.” She gave me a steely look. “Hired. Entertainment.”
I couldn’t fault the guy for being confused. We’d messed up the reservation and then a knockout like Jillian shows up at their door during a bachelor party weekend? Maybe my own first guess wouldn’t be a hired private dancer, but it wasn’t totally out of the question.
