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His hand reaches out and wraps around my arm. He pulls, working to yank me back around, but doesn’t have the strength.
“I was talking to you, boy.”
I straighten myself to my full height and stand several inches over my stooped father.
“Do you really want to start with me, old man? I’m ready right now if you want to try it.”
My breath comes out in huffs as my adrenaline spikes.
If I haven't seen my dad in a while, he likes to try to push me. He tests his boundaries to see if he can still get away with bullying me, but he won’t hit me ever again. He knows I’ll hit back twice as hard if he tries it.
He lets go of my arm, steps back, and takes a drink from his plastic cup. I’m assuming it’s beer since it's early afternoon. He’ll switch to vodka in the evenings because he’s a “sophisticated” drunk.
I turn my back on the poor excuse of a man my father is and walk out his back door to the shed where the mower sits.
Getting it out of the shed is difficult since there is shit everywhere, but I manage somehow. I pull the crank, and it chugs for a minute before sputtering out, telling me it’s out of gas. I’m glad I stopped at the gas station before I came out here.
I walk around the trailer and back to my truck because I’m not about to go inside again. I pick up the can from the bed of my truck and walk back to the mower, filling it up and leaving the can by the shed so I can refill the mower again later. The yard is so overgrown it’s a given I’ll need to fill up a second time.
I start mowing the yard, and the entire time I think about my night with Natalie. She was phenomenal. I still can’t believe I’m finally getting a shot with her. I never had the courage to see if she would still be interested in me. Especially after hurting her so badly when we were kids. Every time she’d ask me to hang out and I had to say no, my heart would shatter into pieces. I hated it but didn’t know what else to do.
My eye catches the window of Dad’s trailer. He’s standing behind the glass, analyzing every move I make.
My chest aches at the reminder of how undeserving I am of Natalie. She's so good and comes from such a great family. Even her friends are all from good families.
My father’s a drunk who enjoyed beating his son, and my mother thought leaving was a better alternative to taking care of her own kid. How the hell can I compete with Nat’s family when I’m so embarrassed by mine?
I think about Uncle Jack and Aunt Jenny and realize I do have some pretty good people in my life. They have supported me from the very beginning. I don’t think I’d be where I am today if it wasn’t for them. I’m incredibly grateful to have them in my life.
I finish the backyard and move on to the front. I don't know why I’m doing this for my dad. It’s obvious he isn’t busy today because he’s just been watching me this whole time, making sure I mow the way he taught me.
The sad part is, I’m doing it exactly how he expects me to, even though he can’t teach me a lesson anymore. It’s this awful ingrained reaction that years of abuse have instilled in my brain. I’m sure a psychiatrist could analyze the shit out of me, but I already know I’m messed up.
For my promotion to captain, I took a few psychology classes on people’s reactions to trauma. I originally did it to better understand the victims I interact with on a daily basis, but I also learned a lot about how my traumatic childhood still impacts me today. It put things into perspective for me and helped me distance myself from my dad.
The mower sputters and dies, telling me I need to fill the gas tank again. It takes a few more passes to finish the yard, but I finally finish, parking the mower in the shed when I’m done. I grab my gas can and put it back into my truck. I know if I leave it, it won’t be there when I come back.
I step back inside the trailer to tell Dad I’m leaving. I don’t give him a chance to respond before I walk out to my truck.
I want to be away from this place and the man who evokes all of my negative memories. I feel like a weak kid because I still react to his behavior, but I know it’s because of prolonged exposure.
I get in my truck and head to the grocery store to pick up the stuff for dinner tonight. Burgers sound amazing, but I’m not sure if Nat likes them. Maybe I’ll get a couple of options so she can choose. Plus, I can use the extra groceries another time.
My thoughts drift to her and our night together. Normally after seeing my dad, I’m in a shitty mood the rest of the day, but right now, I’m feeling great, and it’s all because of a beautiful girl with emerald green eyes.
