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I suddenly felt burning hot and I picked up a drinks menu, fanning myself with it. Roger was still blathering on, his voice sounding muffled, as though he was under water. I heard the clashing of glasses as everyone raised a toast to the bride and groom.
‘Which bridesmaid?’ I asked, my voice high and light. I thought: please don’t let it be her.
Catherine didn’t hear me at first, because of course she’d been caught up with the toast and had turned away from me to kiss Jasper. There was a minute or so of unbearable uncertainty. Perhaps it was one of the others. Even if it was Alison, it could be anybody’s baby, it didn’t mean it had anything to do with Si.
‘Cath,’ I hissed. ‘Which one is pregnant?’
She looked around, scanning the terrace, then said conspiratorially in my ear: ‘Alison. You know, my friend from school.’
My brain went all fuzzy, like when there was interference on the TV. It was too much of a coincidence, surely: Si’s moods, his refusal to come clean about being in touch with her, his inability to reassure me that I had nothing to worry about. The fact she’d been so keen to talk to him, seemingly as a matter of urgency.
‘Are you ok?’ asked Catherine, looking concerned.
I nodded, smiling tightly. ‘Back in a sec,’ I said, touching her elbow, stumbling away.
I rushed to the nearest bathroom and locked myself in a cubicle, taking huge breaths, gulping in as much air as I could, willing myself not to throw up. I leaned my forehead against the door of the cubicle, trying to cool my skin, desperately trying to hold it together. Once my stomach had settled, I went out to the sinks and dabbed my forehead with a tissue, trying not to ruin my make-up, although I supposed that was the least of my worries. My pale, clammy, crumpled face was reflected back at me in the mirror. I thought back to that moment on the train with Léo, when I’d seen the two of us so clearly in the window as we went through a tunnel. I’d looked relaxed and happy, then. At peace. Nothing like the way I felt now. It was no good, I was going to have to find Si and confront him, and there was no way it could wait.
I headed straight for Alison, for the table she’d been sitting at, but she wasn’t there any more. I changed direction, whirling around, looking for Si. I thought about the engagement ring hidden somewhere in his bag. If he’d been sleeping with her, and she was pregnant, it was perfectly possible that it wasn’t meant for me at all. How naïve of me to presume it was; I should have put two and two together when we left Venice and he still hadn’t done it. Who took a ring to Venice and didn’t propose?
I went back out into the atrium, smiling at people as I passed them, trying to act like my normal, sane self. Somebody called my name but I pretended not to hear; I didn’t think I’d be able to string a sentence together, anyway. Distracted by the music starting up, I knocked clumsily into a waitress carrying a tray of canapés, all the while looking for a flash of magenta chiffon, and Si’s navy suit. I couldn’t see them anywhere, but I had a feeling they were together. I knew I should wait until I’d calmed down, that I ought to consider Catherine’s feelings, my own dignity, but I suspected I wouldn’t be able to contain myself once I’d found them. I marched around the perimeter of the atrium, opening doors, peering behind them. It wasn’t until I started out towards the bedrooms that I saw them: Alison and Si, standing together at the bottom of the stairs, having some sort of heated conversation. I flattened myself against the wall, tipping my head so that my right ear was angled towards them. I could hear snatches of what they were saying, words that I couldn’t fit together. I heard her mention my name. I heard Si say that he couldn’t do something. He was trying to keep her calm, I thought, but in that passive aggressive, hissy tone he often adopted with me. I thought of Léo, about what he would do if it were him and I took some kind of strength from that. From the way in which he was honest with everyone, how he said exactly what was on his mind no matter what the consequences, because it made sense to me now. Honesty suddenly seemed like the only thing I wanted.
And then Roger weaved towards me and blew my cover.
‘Hannah! What are you doing lurking about up here?’ he shouted. I peeled myself away from the wall, brushing down my skirt, straightening my hair.
‘Nothing much,’ I said brightly.
He carried on past and I glanced casually towards the staircase, where the two of them were now standing guiltily to attention.
‘Hi,’ said Si, pulling it together first. ‘You remember Alison, don’t you? From the hen night?’
‘Sure,’ I said. Two could play at that game. ‘How’s it going, Alison?’
She nodded like a maniac. ‘Fine, fine. You?’
I kept my tone even. ‘Beautiful ceremony, wasn’t it?’
‘Um yeah, lovely,’ she said, dragging her fingers through her hair, which considering the amount of hairspray that had been applied, was a feat in itself.
I crossed my arms, cold suddenly, my body temperature going from one extreme to the other. I was vaguely aware of hotel guests coming past with suitcases, the concierge bustling about, waiters scuttling past with room-service trolleys.
‘Did you two manage to catch up, then?’ I asked.
Now Si was hair-dragging. A dead giveaway, I would remember not to do that next time I felt the need to lie.
‘Only I noticed you texted Si earlier, Alison, while we were on the train. Sounded like you needed to speak to him about something quite important. I hope everything was all right?’ I said, taking a step towards them, trying to read their body language, looking for a flicker of something that might give them away.
Si stepped in to rescue her, of course. ‘Oh, that. I already told you, Hannah, it was about Cath, wasn’t it, Al? She was making everyone’s life a misery and you thought I might be able to help.’
‘Well, not exactly,’ she said, glaring at Si.
Because I had nothing to lose, I thought I might as well come clean about everything. Compared to what they’d done, snooping around in someone’s email account was hardly the crime of the century. Actually, it was pretty bad, but there wasn’t much I could do about it now. I’d seen what I’d seen, and I wasn’t going to be able to challenge them about it if I didn’t admit to it.
‘The thing is, when I was in Paris – you probably know already, Alison, but I was stuck in Paris all day with no money and no phone – I had this niggling feeling. About your texts.’
Si laughed nervously. ‘Come on, Han, why don’t we go and mingle?’ he said, trying to steer me out of the stairwell. ‘There’s loads of people you haven’t spoken to yet. They’ve all been asking after you.’
I shrugged Si off. ‘And so the thing is, Si,’ I said, turning to face him, ‘I checked your emails. While I was in Paris.’
