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‘It’s not about that, though, is it? What’s this need to know everything about each other?’
I bit my lip. This was probably the most honest conversation I’d had with Mum in years.
‘Tony gets you, doesn’t he?’ I said gently, by way of an example. ‘Somehow he just knows what you need. He loves every part of you, the good bits and the bad bits. And that’s what I want, Mum. Not someone like Dad, who only wanted the fun stuff and wasn’t prepared to stick around when things got tough between the two of you.’
‘He loved you, you know,’ she said. ‘Your dad.’
‘Sure. But not in the way I deserved. I’ve wasted enough time worrying about what I might have said or done to make him go, to make him not care enough to keep in touch. And the last thing I want is to be in another relationship where I feel like being myself isn’t good enough.’
Mum sighed heavily. ‘You want to find your own version of Tony.’
‘I think so, yeah.’
Admittedly, my version looked very different. But I was beginning to think it might be possible for me to meet someone who made me truly happy, a deeper, more honest, less idyllic kind of happy. I was only thirty, it wasn’t too late yet. I could hear Tony mumbling in the background, no doubt bewildered by this unexpected turn of events. Mum and I never talked like this. Everything was brushed under the carpet, everything went unsaid, either eventually forgotten or relegated to a position of simmering resentment. And now that I’d said it, put stuff out there that I would usually have kept from her, it felt good. Like a release. And, importantly, I felt like she was actually listening for once.
‘Don’t do anything rash, Hannah,’ she said. ‘Take some time to think it through.’
‘I will, Mum,’ I said, although in my heart, I already knew.
I waited while she whispered something to Tony and then she came back on the phone, sounding all business-like.
‘Where are you now?’ she asked.
‘In a payphone, somewhere in the middle of Amsterdam, not far from the wedding venue.’
‘Let’s think … have you got money?’ she asked me.
‘Not much. I’ve got my credit card, a few notes. Let me see,’ I said, opening my purse, which I was relieved to have back, totting it up. ‘I’ve got about eighty euros in cash.’
‘Well if you need anything, anything at all, money or whatever, or for us to come and pick you up from somewhere, you ask us, all right? We’re here, aren’t we Tony?’
I heard him mumbling in the background.
‘Why don’t we book you into a hotel? Let me get the laptop, we can do it from here. Tony, get your card. Quickly!’
I was amazed that she was being so helpful, and wondered whether I’d underestimated her all this time, whether I’d always looked for the worst in her and not seen the best. I was angry when Dad left. I was mad at him for going, but I was also angry with her, because if she’d been different, if he’d loved her more, then maybe they could have worked things out. I’d been unfair. I’d blamed Mum, deep down, when it should have been him I took all my disappointment and frustration out on.
I talked Mum through the bookings.com website. She originally tried to check me in to the cheapest hotel she could find, which was out near Schiphol airport, but we eventually worked out where I was (Tony was a whiz on Google Maps) and they booked me into a B & B about half a mile away. I would ask for directions, I told her.
‘But how, when you don’t speak Dutch, Hannah?’ she said.
‘I’ll find it, Mum.’
‘Call us when you get there, all right? And then we can think about flights home and things.’
I hadn’t even thought that far ahead: I was booked on a flight home, the day after tomorrow, but I didn’t think I could wait that long, and also, I’d left my tickets with Si. And there was the small matter of having to sit next to him for an hour on the plane.
‘And if you like …’ said Mum, ‘you could move in here, for a bit, couldn’t she Tony, if you need somewhere to stay? Just until you get back on your feet.’
I nibbled on the nail of my little finger, suddenly very touched. ‘Thanks, Mum.’
‘Oh, and Hannah?’
‘Yes?’
She cleared her throat. ‘Thank you for telling me. I know it can’t have been easy.’
I smiled, even though she couldn’t see me. I didn’t want to get too deep, it wasn’t the time, but I felt as though something might be beginning to shift, that there could be a newfound respect for each other, one that had been bubbling away under the surface all these years but that neither of us had been able to tap into.
