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If I’d known he was going to be like this, I wouldn’t have come. As it was, I’d had to miss my run because it would have made me late to visit him and then even later to my shift at the pub. I was going to be on stage in a few weeks’ time, I had to be in shape.
‘What about that neighbour of ours? Rebecca?’
I watched the pregnant woman levering herself down onto a wall. ‘What about her?’ I said.
Although, I had to admit, I had been thinking about her a lot since we’d gone to the theatre. I kept replaying the moment when we’d been standing outside afterwards and she’d had strands of hair all over her face and I’d brushed it off for her without even thinking. I’d felt something, no matter how much I’d tried to tell myself I hadn’t. But was it just friendship, was that what I was feeling? It was just that she was quite a good laugh and also she looked very hot when she wasn’t all buttoned up for work. She also had very nice lips, I’d noticed when I’d looked at her in profile in the auditorium. And she smelt divine, like frankincense; sort of Christmassy, even though it was March.
‘You two seem to get on well,’ said Clive, looking at me with a penetrating glare.
Seriously, Clive needed to chill out today.
‘She’s nice, Clive, yeah.’
I’d even found myself taking the bins out on purpose the other day. I’d seen her coming out of hers with the recycling and had left it a couple of minutes before taking mine down so as not to look like a stalker. I hadn’t thought too much about it. I was pretty sure I wasn’t her type, anyway. She clearly had a penchant for guys who wore nice suits and had got their shit together. It was just nice to have somebody to talk to now and again. When I wasn’t in a play, when I wasn’t hanging out with the rest of the cast, it could feel kind of lonely living on your own. She’d made that better. It didn’t mean I wanted to take it any further.
‘So if she’s nice, why don’t you ask her on a date?’ said Clive, clearly not prepared to let it slide.
I looked at my watch, wondering how soon I could leave without seeming rude. The poor guy hadn’t been outside in weeks, I should probably give him a few more minutes. Just then, Clive had a coughing fit and I watched his hands shake as he took a glug of water. I patted him gently on the shoulder.
‘Are you all right there?’
He nodded, screwing the cap back on his bottle. When he spoke again, his voice was all husky. ‘It is possible to have a job and someone to love, you know,’ he said, dabbing at his eyes with a screwed-up tissue.
‘Maybe,’ I replied, more gently now. He was only trying to help. ‘It’s just that when you’re part of a company, when you’re rehearsing, putting a play on together, you become really close. Like a family. And it’s like you don’t need anyone else.’
Once I’d started rehearsals, I’d feel more like myself again. I wouldn’t be craving Rebecca’s attention or anyone else’s.
Clive looked at me, frowning. ‘But it’s temporary, isn’t it? These people probably have actual families.’
‘Not always.’
‘What about your actual family, then?’
I frowned at him, confused. ‘What, you mean my parents? What about them?’
‘You never talk about them.’
I pulled the cuffs of my sweatshirt over my wrists. ‘There’s not much to say, Clive. I see them once in a while for dinner. They’re not particularly interested in my life; I don’t think they get it.’
‘Don’t get what?’ said Clive.
Talking about my parents made me squirm. ‘They think I should give it all up, get a proper job. My brother’s a lawyer. Apparently we’re all supposed to be lawyers.’
Clive patted my knee with his hand. ‘You do what you want to do. You don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.’
I stood up and stretched. Clive could be quite intense sometimes. ‘Come on, we’d better get you inside. It’s nearly supper time, isn’t it?’
As I went to push Clive’s wheelchair back towards the hospital entrance, he put his hand over mine. ‘Don’t shut yourself off to love, Jack. That feeling … you can’t get it anywhere else. And your acting friends won’t be there when you’re my age, you know that, don’t you? Promise me you’ll try.’
‘I promise,’ I said, patting his hand back, not sure if I meant it or not. Personally, I thought I was fine as I was. I was thirty, not eighty, I didn’t need to be thinking about a companion for my twilight years just yet.
As I pushed Clive back through the car park towards the ward, I wondered whether Rebecca would get this same grilling next time she came to visit. Nathalie had been all weird with me after Rebecca had left the theatre the other night, winding me up about there being a spark between us, but I reckoned she was only saying that to test the waters. She still couldn’t bear the fact I’d been the one to end things with her and clearly she never wanted me to be happy with anybody else. I didn’t think she’d actually seen a spark. I mean, I’d felt something, but it wasn’t dramatic enough that I needed to do anything about it. Tom would be back from LA in a couple of months, anyway, and then I’d be moving out and I’d probably never see Rebecca again. It wasn’t as though I was likely to bump into her because we moved in completely different circles. I was glad, actually. It would bring things to a natural end without either of us getting hurt.
