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With difficulty I return to my feet and move over to Raven on the couch, keeping my voice low I ask her if she wants to cancel today’s plans and just stay home.
“It’s ok, we’ll let her have a little play and then she’ll nap in the car.”
“Okay,” I reply easily. “Can I ask you something?”
“What?” she asks, suddenly wary.
“When we were at school, why didn’t you tell me what you were planning?”
“I...what...how could I?”
“Not at first, obviously, but once you realised we didn’t have anything to do with…” wow, I didn’t expect it to be so hard to have this conversation, to say her name, “with Lizzie…why not tell me when we got close?”
“Reb,” her tone is reproachful.
“I would have helped you,” I insist, and instantly I know it’s 100 percent true.
“Reb, you don’t mean that.”
“Don’t tell me what I mean.” My temper flares. Why does she always do this? “If someone fucks with the people I love, I burn them to the ground.”
“You didn’t love me.”
“Fuck! Don’t do this, Raven!” I whisper-hiss, trying to keep our conversation under Phoenix’s radar. I didn't need to worry though, she was currently rolling on the rug, using Polly to beat the shit out of the T-Rex all whilst screaming “Die! Baddie die!” It makes me smile momentarily before I refocus on Raven’s torn and frowning face.
“I didn’t say fucking loved. I said love. Present tense.”
“Reb…”
“Always have, still do, always fucking will,” I interrupt her.
Wow, that did not go as expected. I run my hand through my dark hair and sigh. I need to try again. I grab her hand and stare into her eyes.
Taking a deep breath to calm my racing heart and cool my fiery temper, I tell her earnestly “I love you, Raven.”
When she doesn’t reply, I plough on.
“I want to be with you. You and Phoenix. I want to date you, at least. Hell, I want it all but I’m trying not to freak you out right now! And if the others have a problem with it, I choose you and Phoenix. I’ll always choose you.”
Ah fuck, I really need to put the breaks on my verbal diarrhoea. What the fuck is wrong with me? I just said I don’t want to freak her out, but Raven’s looking at me like she wishes she could run. Again. Fuck.
I’m panicking, wondering what the hell I should say, when Phoenix interrupts us.
“Mummy? Why do you have so many names?”
I glance at Raven and she’s smiling. It’s strained, a little shaken and wobbly, but a smile nonetheless.
“Well, baby, you know how you’re the only one who gets to call me mummy?” The little girl nods. “The boys are the only ones who get to call me Raven. To everyone else I’m just Charlotte.”
“I like Raven more than Charlotte,” Phoenix declares.
“Me too, baby, me too,” Raven replies. It causes a flash of white-hot hope to surge through me. Does she mean…?
“Reb?” She draws my attention away from thoughts of her, back to the real thing. “I need some time to think.”
I’m crestfallen. This isn’t how I saw it going at all. I feel…stupid. Embarrassed.
“Right, well, shall we get going or do you want to just leave it for another day?” I sound sulky, but I don’t know what to do. Does she want me to leave? Or do we still have our day out as planned? Isn’t it going to be awkward as fuck?
