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“Phoenix is back at the weekend, right?”
“Yeah.” I bite my lip because I know that means I’m going to have to go back to the house. Get my shit together and pretend like I’m okay. Phoenix thinks I just had the flu or something so she needs me to be ready and waiting for her; excited to hear all about her holiday. Fake it til you make it, Raven.
“I think you should see the house before she gets back. You’ll have to explain that we’re slowly redecorating parts of it.”
“That’s a good plan.” I don’t know what else to say.
“Raven, are you okay?” Jax seems concerned.
“Me? I’m fine!” I beam at him. Too bright. Too fake. I cringe.
“Let’s talk,” he says.
“I don’t really feel-”
“You listen. I’ll talk,” he interrupts, so I clamp my mouth shut. Fine by me.
“I have to tell you...stuff. A whole heap of shit, actually. I don’t really know where to start.” He rubs a hand over his jaw and my fingers automatically flex in response to the familiar gesture. I don’t interrupt, thinking it’s best to let him find his train of thought.
“I have to tell you, I was terrified. When I got the call to say you were on your way to the hospital...well, it felt like my whole world crumbled. I couldn’t be mad at you anymore, I didn’t care. I just needed to know you were alright, and I needed to see you to confirm it with my own eyes.”
“Raven, I’ve been living in denial. I’m not mad at you, I don’t think I ever was. Not really. I was mad at myself for not protecting you...for not protecting Lizzie.”
At the mention of my sister’s name my heart lurches - painfully this time. I look at Jax, really look at him this time, and the expression on his face has trepidation climbing up my spine. I don’t want to hear this. I start to shake my head, to get up from the sofa, but Jax’s hand shoots out to stop me. Tingles like pins and needles shoot up my arm from his touch.
“Raven, if we’re to have any chance at all you need to hear this,” he warns. But I don’t want to; I don’t want to hear this. I’ll risk it and take a chance on never having to hear the next words that come from his mouth. Because my gut knows what he’s going to say before he says it.
“I love you. I am in love with you. And I want to be with you. But...I was behind Lizzie’s bullying.”
Fuck.
“You knew she was being bullied?” I ask shakily.
“Worse. I started the bullying. I asked Tilly to take care of it.”
“Why?” I’m horrified. My gut knew it but my head - my heart - was completely in denial.
“Because we already lost Michael as a good friend because of a girl. And when the guys started to show an interest in Lizzie...I panicked. I thought-”
But I didn’t find out what Jax thought, because I was up on my feet and running to the bathroom, throwing up the little food I ate the day before, and sobbing uncontrollably. I knew it. All those years ago, I suspected, but I stupidly ignored the warning signs and chose to follow my heart instead. Stupid, stupid girl.
“Raven, I-”
“Don’t touch me!” I yell, pulling free of the hand he placed on my shoulder.
“I have to tell you,” he insists, pleading with me. “I need you to forgive me!”
I frantically shake my head, backing away from his outstretched arms. I can’t. I can’t stay. I can’t listen.
I run.
Only, Jax chases me. Fuck. Strong arms encapsulate my waist and then, with his weight at my back, I’m falling onto the bed.
He twists me so that I’m on my back, pinned under him, and oh fuck...the memories.
In the blink of an eye, the room darkens and I’m back at West Prep. I’m in their house, their beds, and each of their faces flashes before my eyes…they’re kissing me and I never want it to end.
But then the scene shifts and I see Michael’s face, then Charlie’s and I’m fighting, screaming, lashing out.
