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My goal for this session is to not end up with your dick shoved up my ass. Because even if I act like I want you, I don’t. My goal for therapy is to find a way to tell the people I love that I’ve spent the past year letting men fuck me just so I can pretend I was finally in control of something for the first time in my life and that it was my choice, not theirs.
To his credit, Dr. Emory had barely reacted to the statement. He’d merely said his goal was to help me meet all of mine and then we’d dug into the shitstorm that was my past.
It had been a brutal few weeks and I’d wanted to quit more than once. Had even told Dr. Emory that I was quitting a few times. But then I’d remembered everything I had waiting for me at home and that had been enough to make me cross that threshold each time.
“It’s okay to be nervous,” he said gently. “Just remember that whenever you need a break, you just let me know. And if there’s something you aren’t sure you can explain, we’ll work through it together.”
I nodded.
Dr. Emory and I had already had our normal 45-minute session, but today was different because we were about to embark on my second goal of telling people about my past. I’d debated telling Brody and Quinn at the same time as my fathers, but had quickly disregarded the idea. There were things I needed to say to my lovers that I couldn’t say to my parents. Not to mention, I didn’t want my fathers to meet the men I was planning to spend my life with that way. So Dr. Emory and I had settled on telling my fathers separately next week when they came out for a visit.
It had been brutal telling my parents not to come when I’d admitted everything that had happened since I’d arrived in Dare. It wasn’t often that I stood up to them, but I’d had to put my foot down that day and while I had no doubt it had hurt them, it was something we’d all needed. Because my fathers needed to start seeing me as a grown man. And I needed to be okay with asking that of them.
The last few weeks with Brody and Quinn had had its shares of ups and downs. While I loved every moment I spent with them as we tried to figure out how to build a life together, I held a monstrous amount of guilt for the secrets I’d been, and was still, keeping from them. I knew we couldn’t really embark on the next chapter until we got past this one last hurdle. Because I still wasn’t the real me with them and I wouldn’t feel like I was until they knew everything.
And chose to be with me despite it all.
That was probably the hardest part for me. Knowing that, despite their reassurances to the contrary, I could still lose them when they learned the truth. The unbearable feeling had only grown worse as the days went by and our lives became more entwined with one another’s.
On top of that, I was struggling with how the truth would affect my parents. Because unlike Brody and Quinn, I knew without a doubt that the things I told them wouldn’t make them love me any less. But they would suffer.
Because they’d blame themselves.
For not seeing things for what they were. It wouldn’t matter that they couldn’t have known something I’d worked so hard to keep from them; they’d blame themselves no matter what. Dr. Emory had suggested we have a few sessions with my fathers after I told them the truth so that we could talk about how they were reacting to it and I hoped it was something they would go for.
The sound of Dr. Emory’s phone buzzing ripped me from my thoughts. My entire body locked up tight as he hit the button to talk to his receptionist.
“Yes?”
“They’re here, Dr. Emory.”
“Send them in, please, Helen. Thank you.”
Dr. Emory stood to head for the door. I wasn’t surprised when he dropped a hand on my shoulder. “Deep breaths, Beck,” he reminded me.
I nodded. The weight of his hand didn’t bother me like it had when he’d started touching me a couple of weeks ago. It was something we’d discussed during our sessions and while I’d known it was an important part of building trust with him, I’d nearly had a panic attack the first time he’d patted me on the hand I’d had resting on my leg. He’d reassured me that my reaction was normal and he hadn’t pressed the issue. We’d discussed it at length the following session and when he’d done it again, I’d managed not to jump out of my skin. My reactions had lessened every time he’d done it, but it hadn’t been until the previous session that I hadn’t felt that familiar rolling in my gut as I’d walked into his office.
I figured it was progress, though I knew it didn’t mean I was fixed. My interactions with Callan Bale were proof of that. I’d been working around the man more and more the past few weeks and while I’d nearly vomited the first time he’d given me a gentle pat on the back after telling me I’d done a good job on something, each encounter with him got a little easier. It helped that Callan had taken notice of my reaction and while he hadn’t said anything, he’d been sure not to touch me or even get to close to me again after that. It had been humiliating, but he’d also given me what I needed to try and work through my emotions.
Jax and Roman had done the same thing when I’d spent time in their company. While I hadn’t come out and told Jax what I’d told Roman, he too seemed to have picked up on things, presumably because I’d admitted the truth about what had set me off the day of Harley’s vet visit with Dane. Roman, for his part, hadn’t changed his behavior around me much. I’d expected him to look at me with disgust, but like Callan, all he did was make sure not to crowd me. He was as friendly as ever and he’d even invited me, Quinn and Brody to join him and Hunter and their daughter for dinner on several occasions. The entire extended family of men had included me and my men in their weekly family get togethers which was a bittersweet thing for me because it reminded me so much of my own family gatherings. While the crowd wasn’t nearly as big, it was just as loving.
I stood as Brody and Quinn walked into the room. They both looked nervous and unsure of themselves as Dr. Emory introduced himself to them. But some of that tension eased when they came over to me and wrapped me in their arms.
“Hi, baby,” Brody whispered as he kissed my forehead.
“Hi,” I sighed. God, I would never get tired of this feeling. Of being surrounded by them.
Dr. Emory gave us a few moments before he asked Brody and Quinn to sit on the couch opposite the one I was sitting on. He’d chosen that spot specifically so I’d have an easier time making eye contact with both men. It was one of the many things the doctor had asked me to work on outside of our sessions. Part of getting the confidence I needed to stand up for myself came from keeping eye contact with other people. I hadn’t ever seen my behavior as an extension of low self-esteem, but the more and more we’d talked, I’d started to see the truth.
I waited until Dr. Emory went over the ground rules with Quinn and Brody. While it was my show, he encouraged my men to ask questions if they needed something clarified. Dr. Emory would make sure we didn’t get too far off track.
Before I knew it, Dr. Emory’s eyes were on me and he was saying, “Whenever you’re ready, Beck.”
I nodded and reminded myself to look at the men sitting across from me.
The men who’d promised that they would love me no matter what.
I was about to find out if that was true or not.
