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ChapterTwenty-Two
Quinn
In so many ways I wasn’t ready for this, but in others I was. I didn’t want any more walls between the three of us, but I knew how much this would hurt all of us. Nothing Beck told us would change how we felt about him, but I wasn’t foolish enough to think his words wouldn’t cause me and Brody pain.
For him.
For us.
I found myself reaching for Brody’s hand where it was lying between us on the couch. I wanted so badly to be able to hold Beck’s hand too, but I suspected there was a reason Brody and I were sitting opposite him, rather than with him. Brody’s fingers felt good around mine and I managed to pull some oxygen into my lungs as Beck began speaking.
“My parents both came from good, loving families. They met in college, but when my mom found out she was pregnant with me, they both had to quit school to get jobs because my father’s parents disowned him and my mom’s mother didn’t have enough money to support them while they finished school. That caused a lot of problems between my parents and by the time I was five, they were fighting all the time. By the time my sister and brother came along, my parents were still together, but they’d both started messing around with drugs. I ended up taking care of my brother and sister most of the time. I was ten when my father died. A year later my mother was gone too…overdose.”
Beck paused to suck in a breath. I could see a fine tremor in his hands just before he fisted them. He dropped his eyes, but almost immediately raised them again and fastened them on me and Brody.
“We went to live with my grandmother…my mom’s mother. It was tough because she didn’t have a lot of money and she wasn’t the easiest person to deal with. Her memory wasn’t great and she wasn’t happy about having to take in three kids. But she was really religious and kept saying she was doing God’s duty by taking us in. I spent a lot of time watching out for my brother and sister and as a result, my grades started to slip. My grandmother arranged for a tutor for me through her church. His name was Steven. He’d just completed Seminary school and was preparing to join the priesthood.”
Beck hesitated and glanced at Dr. Emory. The man nodded his head at him. Whatever silent communication happened between them seemed to help ground Beck because he continued on his own.
“I really liked Steven. He used to meet me at a park near my grandmother’s house and we’d toss a ball back and forth. He even took me to a baseball game once. The more time I spent with him, the more I liked him. I’d never been very good at making friends and didn’t really have any, so it felt good to have someone to hang out with.”
Dread filled my belly as I instinctively knew where Beck was going with his story.
“We used to hang out at his apartment and watch movies after we finished my studies. We’d make popcorn and sit on the couch and he’d put his arm around my shoulders. I liked it…it made me feel safe. Wanted. Like he really liked me,” Beck murmured. “One afternoon we started wrestling around after I made a joke about him and something we were watching on the TV. We were both laughing and breathing hard by the time we were done and he was lying on top of me. I didn’t even realize things had changed until he got really quiet and just stared at me. Then I felt him rubbing against me. It didn’t feel bad exactly…just weird. He whispered my name and then he was touching my face, my lips. I was frozen. He kept grinding against me and I started to feel hot all over. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I was scared and I said his name. He told me it was okay and then he was unzipping my pants and his.”
Beck dropped his eyes and shook his head.
“I didn’t know what to do, so I didn’t do anything. He took my hand and put it between us. I was embarrassed, but he kept saying my name and telling me how good it felt…how goodIfelt. And then his hand was on me. I…I started doing to him what he was doing to me. And then it started to feel really good. We both…you know,” Beck said awkwardly as his eyes lifted. I managed a nod even though inside I felt like I was going to throw up.
“Steven got off of me and started freaking out. Said what we’d done was a sin and that we would go to hell if we didn’t ask for forgiveness. He just…he lost it. He dragged me to my knees on the floor and told me we had to pray together. I was so confused…and ashamed. I repeated everything he told me to say. I was convinced I’d go to hell if I didn’t. Steven, he…he started to cry and tell me he was sorry. I didn’t know what to do so I told him it was okay. That I’d liked being with him like that…because I did.”
Color flooded Beck’s cheeks. I knew it had been a hard admission to make and as tempted as I was to tell him I understood, I didn’t want to interrupt him. I felt Brody’s fingers clench tight around mine, but he too remained quiet.
“Steven took me home and told me we couldn’t tell anyone. I agreed because I didn’t want to upset him. I was supposed to meet him a few days later for another study session, but he canceled. He canceled a couple more times after that and then he told my grandmother he was too busy to continue them so she started looking for someone else. I was…I was so heartbroken because I thought we’d been friends. I called him, but he said we couldn’t talk to each other anymore. I begged and pleaded with him, but he hung up on me. I saw him at church the following Sunday and managed to get him alone after the service. I began crying and telling him how much I missed him. He finally took pity on me and said we could hang out again, but just in the park. I was so happy,” Beck whispered, his voice strained.
“But it wasn’t the same as before. He didn’t laugh or joke with me…didn’t touch me at all. It was so…forced. I missed what we had. Everything else in my life was so ugly, but he’d been the one bright spot. I didn’t want to lose that. So one day I convinced him to take me back to his house…I lied and told him my grandmother wasn’t home and I’d forgotten my key so I couldn’t get into the apartment. He agreed. He kept looking at me a certain way and I was sure he wanted things to be like they were…”
Beck wiped at his eyes and I saw the moisture on the back of his hand.
“I asked him if we could watch a movie. He only had the one couch so I knew he’d have to sit with me. During the movie, I kept moving closer to him. When our legs were touching, I looked at him. He looked so…pained. I…”
Beck’s voice dropped off and he suddenly looked at Dr. Emory.
“It’s okay, Beck, take your time.”
Several long seconds passed before Beck continued, but he refused to look at us as he spoke. “I wanted him to like me again…to go back to the way things had been. So I touched him through his pants. He didn’t move, didn’t speak. I began rubbing him and he grabbed my hand. He told me we couldn’t. It was a sin. But he didn’t move my hand. I began rubbing him again and told him I wouldn’t tell anyone. I thought he’d just touch me back like before.” Tears began to fall unchecked down Beck’s face. “It happened so fast…He pushed me down on the floor and then he was on top of me…in me. He kept telling me he was sorry. ‘I’m sorry my beautiful boy.’ He said it over and over again. It hurt so bad, but I didn’t make a sound because a part of me didn’t want him to stop…I didn’t want to lose him. When it was over, he was so quiet. I thought he was going to make me pray with him again, but he didn’t. He just kept mumbling something about losing everything and then he got up and went to the bathroom. I pulled up my pants and sat back down on the couch and waited for him, but he didn’t come out. It was starting to get dark and I needed to get home so my grandmother wouldn’t get mad so I went to look for him.”
I could see Beck’s breath ratcheting up as he remembered the rest of whatever had happened that day, but before I could say anything, Dr. Emory said, “Beck, look at me.”
Beck snapped out his daze and looked at the man.
“Deep breaths, remember?” the man said gently.
Beck nodded and then went through some kind of pattern where he took several different measured breaths. The move seemed to help because he relaxed a little.
“Do you need to take a break?” Dr. Emory asked.
“No,” Beck said. “I’d like to continue.”
