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Because that was the least that Beck deserved.
“After my fathers adopted me, things got better for a while. But then I started having trouble in school…it was hard for me to focus. At home, I slept a lot and I struggled to interact with my family the way I had. It took a while, but by the time I was sixteen, I was diagnosed with depression. I was put on medication, but it took a while to stabilize me. Even after they got the dose right, I still had times where I’d struggle, so it was a constant battle. My schoolwork suffered and so did the few friendships I’d managed to establish. I become a loner…the quiet kid who’d rather sit at a lunch table by himself reading instead of hanging out with the cool kids. Things changed when I met Brad. He was a senior, I was a sophomore. I’d noticed him before, because he was really good-looking and popular, but I’d never interacted with him. I ran into him one day in the locker room after school. I’d forgotten something in my gym locker after gym class and he’d just finished working out – he was on the wrestling team. I was surprised when he started talking to me and even more surprised to find out he knew my name. It wasn’t really common knowledge that I was gay and I knew he was straight because he had a girlfriend, so I was surprised when he seemed to be flirting with me.”
Beck paused only long enough to take a sip of water before he capped the bottle and then began playing with the label. “I wasn’t sure that was what he was really doing, but when I started to leave, he asked me if I needed a lift home. My apartment was within walking distance of the school, but I agreed anyway. But instead of taking me home, he asked if I wanted to go to his house to play video games. He said his parents were at work so we’d have the place to ourselves. I was nervous, but he was being so nice that I figured it would be okay. We played for a while and then he started telling me how cute he thought I was. He was touching my leg as he said it. He admitted that he’d had a crush on me for a while, but that because of wrestling, he had to pretend he was straight. I thought he might kiss me, but all he did was touch me and then he asked me to touch him. When he asked me to give him a blow job, all I could think about was the guys I’d sold myself to when I was a kid…but he was so different. He wasn’t forcing me or looking at me like I was a piece of property. So I did it…and it wasn’t bad. He took me home and asked to see me again. I’d go over to his house whenever his parents weren’t around and we’d do the same thing each time. But eventually he wanted more than blow jobs. I liked him a lot and didn’t want to lose him, so I let him fuck me.”
Beck hesitated before he said, “I don’t think he ever even noticed I never came.”
I was reminded of our first encounter with Beck. His inexperience with kissing made more sense to me now. My guess was that in addition to not caring about Beck’s pleasure, Brad hadn’t bothered to kiss Beck either.
“I wasn’t sure what to call him since he was still dating his girlfriend. He swore to me he wasn’t having sex with her and I believed him. I started telling him stuff about my past…not the part about Steven, but the part about the guy in the park and everything that came after. He told me he was glad I’d gotten out of that situation. But a couple days later…”
My heart clenched as Beck’s eyes welled up with tears. I watched helplessly as Dr. Emory handed him a box of tissues since Beck had already used the tissues from the dispenser next to the couch.
“He asked me to meet him in the gym locker room after school. Only he wasn’t alone. He wanted me to…to service his friends. I didn’t want to, but he told me if I didn’t, he’d tell everyone in school I’d sold myself for money. Even though I didn’t have any friends, I didn’t want people to know about that. I tried to leave, but he wouldn’t let me and I knew just by looking at him that it was going to happen whether I wanted it to or not. I was afraid of what they’d do if I didn’t do what he wanted, so I did it. In between, he fucked me while his friends watched. Called me names, kept asking me if I liked it. I told him whatever he wanted to hear because I didn’t want him to let his friends fuck me. They didn’t,” Beck added.
“When they were done, they just left me there and I never talked to Brad again. He and his friends graduated a couple months later so luckily I didn’t have to see any of them again after that. But I started having trouble at home. I’d lash out at my fathers and my brother and sister, I started drinking. I was failing a few of my classes. My dads finally took me to see a therapist because they thought it was related to the depression. I’d never told them about Brad.”
Beck sucked in a breath and he looked at Dr. Emory. “Can I take a break? I need to use the bathroom,” he whispered.
Dr. Emory looked at him with sympathy and nodded. “Take your time.”
I ached to get up and take Beck in my arms, but I knew if I did that, I wouldn’t be able to let him go.
I waited until Beck had left the room before I let out a hiss and covered my eyes with my free hand. “Jesus Christ, I can’t take this,” I admitted.
Quinn pulled me up against him and I felt his lips skim my temple. I couldn’t stop the tears that began to fall.
“He’s going to be okay,” Quinn murmured as he held on to me. “We’re going to get him home and we’re going to make sure he knows no one will ever touch him again.”
I felt some tissues being placed in my hand and I sat up so I could wipe my eyes. I needed to be strong for Beck. I glanced at Quinn and saw he was dabbing at his eyes too.
To Dr. Emory I said, “Should we be doing anything differently?”
He shook his head. “You guys are doing perfectly. He’s worked really hard to get to this point and you’re giving him the space he needs to do this.”
I wanted to ask how much worse this was going to get, but I didn’t need to. My gut was telling me we hadn’t even heard the worst of it.
We sat in silence as we waited for Beck to return. When he did, I could tell the hair over his forehead was damp which had me guessing he’d been splashing cold water on his face. He seemed more in control of himself, but I doubted it would last.
When he was seated again, he made a point of making eye contact with me and Quinn. His smile was wobbly, but it made me feel better. As bad as all this was, he was still hanging in there.
He was still with us.
“After I started my junior year, my dads found me a therapist. A man named Victor Colby. It was a long time before I trusted Victor enough to tell him everything. Brad, the prostitution, even Steven, eventually. Talking to him made me feel better, stronger. He was a younger guy and he didn’t talk to me like I was a little kid. I actually got to a point where I was looking forward to our appointments. Life finally started to seem…normal. The depression wasn’t as bad as it had been and I’d started to work harder in school to get my grades back. My dads were thrilled at the change.”
Beck fell silent for so long that I was sure he wasn’t going to continue. But he finally whispered “I didn’t see it.”
I closed my eyes because I knew what was coming. I wanted to scream in denial, but even if I’d been free to do so, I doubted anything would have come out because my throat was so tight it felt like I could barely breathe.
“It was the beginning of March and I was a few minutes late for my appointment because of an accident that had caused a traffic jam. Victor seemed really agitated with me…I apologized a couple of times, but when he started accusing me of doing it on purpose just to get a reaction out of him, I started to get nervous because he was a big guy. I got up to leave, but I didn’t make it past the door before he grabbed me. He started saying all this stuff about how I’d been teasing him…that I’d told him the stories about all the guys I’d been with because I wanted him. He said…he said I was trying to do to him what I’d done to Steven.”
A harsh sob escaped Beck’s throat and it took every ounce of strength I had not to go to him.
“I thought maybe he was right so I told him I was sorry…that I hadn’t meant to do that to him.” Beck shook his head. “He turned me around and pushed me up against the wall – he was so strong that I couldn’t get free. I begged him not to do it.” Beck fell silent and wiped at his eyes.
“I trusted him,” he whispered. “I told him things I hadn’t told anyone else…I thought he cared about me.”
Beck paused before saying, “After he was finished, he told me no one would believe me if I told. All he’d have to do was tell my fathers what I’d done to Steven and that would be it. I didn’t tell anyone. He called my father that night and told him he couldn’t be my therapist anymore because I’d become combative and obstinate and that I’d physically threatened him.”
