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Dr. Emory nodded and then Beck was looking at me and Brody again. Inside I was dying for the little boy he’d been, but I couldn’t help but admire the strength in his spine as he continued.
“I found him in the bathroom. He was naked and his hair was wet like he’d showered. There was blood all over him and the floor. His eyes were open and I knew he was dead. He’d slit his wrists with a razor blade. I just stood there, not knowing what to do. I’d done that to him. I’d killed him. I began telling him I was sorry over and over again until my throat hurt so bad I couldn’t speak anymore. And then I ran.”
The newfound understanding of why he’d said ‘I’m sorry’ during his nightmares did nothing to ease the bile that was creeping up the back of my throat. I shot Brody a glance and saw how pale he was.
Beck. We needed to hold it together for Beck.
I squeezed Brody’s hand hard and was rewarded with a return squeeze. He was still with us.
“I ran the ten blocks home and told my grandmother Steven hadn’t shown up in the park to meet me like he’d said he would. When his body was found a couple days later, no one suspected anything and I never told anyone what happened.”
Silence fell across the room and I frantically tried to get control of my runaway emotions. I suspected Beck wasn’t finished telling us his story, but I wanted so badly to slam my hands over my ears. That and gather Beck into my arms and never let go. I only half-listened as Dr. Emory asked Beck if he wanted to take a break. I didn’t miss how Beck’s hand shook as he reached for the bottle of water.
“Quinn, Brody, do either of you have questions for Beck or for me?” Dr. Emory asked.
I shook my head because I had no idea what to say. The things I wanted to tell Beck weren’t questions. I just wanted to tell him how much I loved him and how fucking brave I thought he was.
Brody remained silent next to me so I could only assume he didn’t have any questions either.
Dr. Emory nodded at Beck. “Continue whenever you’re ready, Beck.”
Beck nodded and put the water down. “Money was tight living with my grandmother and it got worse when she was hospitalized for pneumonia. She recovered, but the bills started piling up. Her memory started to get worse and she’d start to forget simple things like going to the grocery store. I tried to keep my brother and sister fed, but it was tough because there wasn’t any money. My grandmother had threatened to let Children’s Services take us because we were too much trouble, but I knew what would happen if they did.”
“They’d break you up,” Brody said softly when Beck didn’t continue on his own.
Beck nodded. “I was worried that if my grandmother had to keep spending her money on us, she’d get rid of us like she’d said she would. I tried getting a job at the grocery store near our house, but the guy said 12 years old was too young and no one would hire someone under the age of 14. I didn’t know what to do. After Steven…after Steven died, I kept going back to the park we used to meet at. Just for a few minutes each day…I guess I wanted to be close to him. Anyway, there was this guy there one day and he kept looking at me. It made me uncomfortable, but before I could leave, he approached me and offered me fifty dollars if I’d let him see me without my clothes. I said no and ran home, but that night I couldn’t stop thinking about that fifty dollars…everything I could have bought for me and my brother and sister with that kind of money. I went back to the park the next day and waited. When he showed up, I was both scared and glad. He made the same offer and this time I said yes. I went with him to the bathroom. I asked for the money first and when he gave it to me, I did what he wanted and took my clothes off. He…he didn’t touch me, just himself. He told me if I came back the next day, he’d give me another fifty. So I did.”
Beck dropped his eyes again, but then forced them back up. It was something I noticed he’d been doing more of recently…maintaining eye contact.
“I met him a few more times, but then I didn’t see him for a while. The money disappeared and I started to panic again. Then he was back in the park. This time he offered me a hundred bucks if I touched him. I wanted to say no, but when I’d had that money, my grandmother hadn’t been so angry…I’d told her I’d gotten a job. So I did what the guy wanted. After that, things just spiraled and within a week I was giving him a blowjob. Then I was letting him fuck me. It went on for two months before he suddenly disappeared from the picture completely. I’d saved the money he’d given me, but it didn’t last long. I kept going back to the park, but he never came back. I got so desperate, I started looking at some of the other men I’d seen there on more than one occasion. It didn’t take me long to find one who looked at me the same way the first guy had.”
I wanted to cry for Beck, but I managed to keep it together. I listened as he went on to describe the many ways he sold himself in the few months that followed until he’d inadvertently solicited an undercover cop. I hoped and prayed that was the end of it as he described being adopted by Cade and Rafe Barretti, but when he reached for his water bottle and took another sip before repeating the breathing pattern he’d done before, I knew it wasn’t over.
Not by a long shot.
ChapterTwenty-Three
Brody
Nothing in my life had prepared me for this moment.
Nothing.
It was a unique brand of torture to sit and listen to the man you loved tell you stories about being repeatedly violated.
And to tell them in such a way that it was clear where he placed the blame…not on the adults who’d failed him over and over again, but on himself.
I wanted him to be done.
For me.
For Quinn who was going to end up breaking my hand with how hard he was squeezing it – a notion he surely shared since I was squeezing his just as hard.
But more than anything, I wanted Beck to be done for Beck. Because nothing I’d heard would change anything for me. Nothing I heard going forward would either.
Only, Beck needed to tell his story before he’d finally start to believe that Quinn and I didn’t see him any differently. That our love for him was as strong and as endless as it had been from the moment we’d realized he was ours.
So I held back the urge to beg his doctor to stop all this and listened with all I was.
