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The simplicity of her reply almost made me laugh. I didn’t feel good enough to laugh, though I did feel lighter than when she came in here. “Anything besides that.”
She shook her head. “I think you’re covering it pretty well.”
“That’s a longer version of I agree. I didn’t deserve what Sean did to me. No one does. Even if someone is a total, inconsiderate narcissist, like him, that’s not justice. That kind of an eye for an eye doesn’t get anyone anywhere. But I’m still glad he’s hurt. Does that make me a bad person too? I’m glad he’s in traction, and not just because he won’t be able to get up for a while. I’m glad he’s in pain, and that for once, I’m dealing with less than he is. How horrible am I?”
“You’re not at all,” Luna said.
“You wouldn’t be thinking things like this. How repulsive am I right now?”
“I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
A dry smile cracked my face. “Graham says that.”
“Pretty sure someone else said it first, but yeah, I got it from him.” Luna crawled closer, until her knees touched my feet. “I don’t like seeing people in pain. I hate knowing I caused it or believe I could’ve prevented it. But there are times when we have to ignore that instinct, especially when it’s not our fault. And this isn’t your fault.”
“I know that, but at the same time, sometimes it’s so very hard to believe it.”
“I won’t tell you to stop feeling what you’re feeling, or that you’re wrong about any of this. There are some people who need to hear that, though I probably wouldn’t tell them either, but you don’t. Anyone who tells you otherwise is an idiot,” Luna said. “Everything inside you—the good, the bad, and the uncertain—it’s all valid. Doesn’t matter what we’ve been taught. No one is any more allowed to dictate your thoughts than you are responsible for their actions.”
What she was saying was wise, but at the same time, “You know it’s not that easy.”
“I do.” Luna brought her leg to her chest and rested her chin on her knee. “It’s a hard thing to remember, and I have to remind myself about it on a regular basis. I’ll remind you too, if you want. The rules you mentioned, some people follow them, some don’t. We can only say how we act.”
“How do we know if we’re acting right?”
“You are.”
“But how do you know?” I hated this uncertainty. The assholes never looked like they had to deal with this kind of doubt. What would it be like to have that kind of faith in my own heart?
Luna grinned. “Because I’m a fucking genius and I can tell.”
I wanted so badly to believe her. She was a genius. “What if I fall again, and it’s a mistake again?” There was a fear I hadn’t wanted to look at. But now that my head was shifting itself into order, it was easier to pick out the thoughts.
“Phillip?”
“And Dustin.” When I’d seen them at the hospital, the warmth had pushed away a lot of my pain.
“They’re not bad guys. If you don’t believe me, Cole is a good judge of character.”
My smile felt lighter this time. “Phillip said something similar. He said that was how he knew I was all right.”
“Pfft. You’re better than all right. You’re amazing. And here’s the thing, if you fall and it doesn’t work out… Well, I hate to be cliché, but it’s better to have loved and lost… Would you really give up the good to not have to feel the bad? If you need to, as hard as it is, take the whole Sean experience out of the equation.”
Would I give up the last few weeks with Dustin and Phillip if it meant avoiding the risk? If it meant I could guarantee my heart was shielded? “No. I wouldn’t give it up.”
“There’s your answer. Also, nice. I mean, you’re way out of their league, and who wants a nearly forty year old bachelor? But they’re both pretty. And probably smart.”
I felt better with each passing moment. My doubt wasn’t gone, but it was hiding behind sunshine. Luna was at least half teasing, because her boyfriends were Phillip and Dustin’s age, and she was distinctly younger than me. “They are pretty. And smart. Mostly. I’m not sure they’re completely in touch with their feelings.”
Luna scrunched up her nose. “Not everyone is. Graham said they looked completely panicked when they got to the hospital, so I think they’re on the right track. If they’re not, you’ll just have to tell them so.”
“I can do that.”
“I know.” Luna shifted to lay next to me, her head on my legs. Hugs were hard because of my arm and the bruises, but this worked fine for me. My head was as much of a mess as my body, but I could see past the jumble to the truth now. It had been a long time since I felt this clear-headed about something.
