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I ignore Barbas’s remark and focus on my dad.
“Hi, honey.” Dad’s got enormous bags under his eyes.
We stay staring at each other for countless moments, daring not to utter questions we knew the answers to.
“Go on, I’ve got it from here,” I say, nodding toward the door. He stands and wraps me in a hug. “Get some sleep and relieve me tonight,” I say into the fabric of his shirt sleeve.
He steps away, asking with his eyes the biggest, scariest thing neither of us will say out loud.
I nod, reassuring him that if the worst happens, I’ll call.
“You’re sure?” he asks, bloodshot eyes still concerned, refusing to release his vigilance.
I smile at him. Not too big. Not nearly as big as I want to. Just like I can’t tell him not to worry. That everything is going to work out. That I have a fix for all of this.
But enough of a smile that the tension around his mouth relaxes.
“I’ve got this, Dad. Go take care of yourself. Get some rest.”
He gives me a single nod and casts a lingering glance at my sleeping mother.
“I’ll be back at nine.” My dad gathers his jacket and heads out and I settle into his seat at my mom’s side.
I’ve avoided looking at her in that bed so far. I don’t want to see her like this, even though I know this isn’t the end. Not for her. Not now. But I have to. So, I take her hand and scrounge up my courage.
Thankfully, she looks the same as yesterday. I’d imagined her looking worse today. Weaker and smaller. But she isn’t. She’s no worse than before. Relieved for that, I squeeze her hand and an unexpected wave of guilt smacks me in the face. It takes my breath away.
Is that you?I ask Barbas.
No, madam. That is an emotion entirely your own.
Of course it is. What isn’t there to feel guilty about? Cutting my mom off for almost two months because I couldn’t deal with my life was certainly a good reason for guilt. And just like always, my brain decides to offer up other things I should feel guilty for. Like how unfair it is that I get to save my mom when so many others don’t. And—
Don’t do this to yourself, Lily.
Why not? I deserve it. I was awful to her.
Even if that’s true, no one deserves to suffer. Believe me.
I try to take his words to heart, but I’m already done for, sinking deeper into a pit of my own making.
Your pain affects me, Lily. Please, try to control your emotions.
That stops my thought spiral.I’m hurting you by feeling bad?
Yes.
And he shows me. Sorrow, great oceans of sorrow like I’ve never experienced, break me in two, forcing me to fold my arms over myself in comfort. It hurts so much, I almost reach for my forearm. And that’s when I realize...
I haven’t even thought of doing that since—well, since meeting Barbas.
I’m sorry. I won’t be so inconsiderate again.
Thank you, Lily. I appreciate your thoughtfulness.
Hours pass and nurses stop in to check my mom’s meds, assuring me each time she’s comfortable and that feels like a lie, but I nod and smile all the same.
Can you tell how long it will be?I ask.
