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Chapter Sixteen
Afew days later, and devoid of Rose’s presence for every hour that had passed since they parted ways in front of the house, Dorian had coaxed Hudson into a bout of fencing. He knew he could not scurry off to Skelton Bay every time he felt that restiveness, so he was determined to find alternative outlets for his nervous energy. And what better way to push away thoughts of her than to pretend to be in the midst of a swordfight with his best friend?
“I am as rusted as this foil, Captain!” Hudson complained as he parried and riposted, one arm behind his back.
“Then this will loosen your muscles,” Dorian replied, landing a hit on Hudson’s upper chest.
Hudson groaned. “It will do nothing but cover me in bruises, as you well know. You always said you loathed fencing, so what has caused this sudden interest?” He raised one conspiratorial eyebrow. “Perhaps, I do not need to ask. I have seen lesser gentlemen run marathons and indulge in twelve-round boxing bouts, in order to divert their attentions from delightful naiads.”
Dorian landed another hit in Hudson’s gut and smiled in satisfaction as his friend grunted.That will teach you to cast your aspersions. We are not in Ancient Greece now.
“I always become indolent in the summer, mostly due to you leading me astray, but I have decided to maintain my good health this year,” Dorian insisted. “That is why I intend to fence, and ride, and run, and shoot until autumn comes, and it is too cold for such revels.”
Hudson stooped to catch his breath. “Why do you refuse to admit that you are besotted with Miss Parker? It will be far easier for both of us if you confess.” He tucked his foil under his arm and mopped the sweat from his brow with the back of his sleeve. “If you are worried that your affections are not reciprocated, you need not be. I have seen the way she looks at you, and I have seen the way you look at her. She is clearly as enamored by you as you are of her.”
Dorian lunged with his foil and hit Hudson on his chest, not caring that his friend was obviously unprepared. He could not have this discussion again. It did not matter that his friend was right abouthisnascent feelings for Rose; he would not entertain them. Ever. Even if Rose did happen to share in his affections.
“Must I keep jabbing you until you relent?” Dorian muttered. “You, of all people, should understand why I cannot even consider having an interest in a woman. You know what happened. You saw how it broke me and those around me. I went to war to try and forget it all, for goodness sake! I cannot love again, Hudson. I cannot even think about it.”
Hudson feinted out of the way of another strike. “That was twelve years ago, Captain! For over a decade, you have been punishing yourself for something you had no control over. Your parents were responsible, and hers, but not you. You have to stop this self-flagellating. It is time you were happy again. You have punished yourself enough, and I hate to see you wasting your life away because of an old wound that scarred up long ago.”
“Ididhave control, but I let my judgment slip, and it ruined everything.” Dorian fought back. “I am more to blame than her mother and father, or mine. I would not see the same thing happen to Miss Parker… if I were to feel something for her.”
Hudson roared in exasperation. “You are your own gentleman now! You make the rules in your life. They are not dictated any longer. Why are you so sure that a relationship with Miss Parker would end in disaster? Why do you not think of how superb it would be, instead? I urge you to look at this from a different perspective. You suffered, people were hurt, you wished you could undo it, and no-one could blame you for that, but there is no use in dwelling in the past! The present is right here, waiting for you.”
Dorian narrowed his eyes, panting with his inner conflict. “Because… Because I am afraid, Hudson!” he exclaimed, the words bursting out of him unbidden. He had never admitted that before, and it shocked him to hear it out loud. “I have forgotten how to feel affection, and it terrifies me. I forgot that I could be joyful. I forgot that I could look upon a woman and smile and feel my heart grow to twice the size. I forgot that I could think of nothing but that woman. I forgot all of that, and I do not dare to remember it, because… I do not feel as though I deserve to.”
“Of course you do.” Hudson softened his tone. “You always have, but you were too righteous for your own good. You wanted to atone, and you have, and now you can be joyful again. You have earned the right to smile again. There is nothing to fear, Captain. Love can be scary, but it can also be glorious if you would just let it.”
Dorian turned around, his entire body trembling. “I cannot be selfish, Hudson. I know there is no curse, in some mystical sense of the word.Iam the curse, and I cannot make Miss Parker endure the scorn and gossip of being at my side, where she might hear whispers of my past and all I did. That would be a punishment for her, in and of itself that would shadow any affection we might feel for one another. I will not put that on her, and I am finished with this conversation. This will be the last time I ask you to stop bringing this up. If you continue, then you may find your entertainment elsewhere for the summer.”
“Captain, you know I mean no harm. I just… cannot bear the thought of you being perpetually miserable. Take the risk!” Hudson hurried to his friend’s side, evidently panicking that Dorian might be serious about casting him away from Langston House.
“And I would not be miserable if you would cease speaking of it.” Dorian strode over to the foil rack and set his weapon back on the brackets.
Without another word, he walked out of the sporting hall, leaving Hudson to consider his options. For he was entirely serious about dismissing his friend, even though such an act would hurt him far more than it hurt Hudson. There was nothing worse than the silence of Langston House when he only had himself to fill that permeating solitude.
Later that day, as a hazy, balmy dusk settled over the estate, Dorian took himself out into the grounds for an evening stroll. He liked to wander often in the darkness, especially under the watchful eyes of the moonlight, because the shadows brought that sense of danger that excited him, like high bridges and tall clifftops. No-one knew what might be hiding in the gloom, or what might spring out unawares. It was also the only place where he could feel at peace from people’s indiscreet stares.
Skelton Bay was supposed to aid in my ailment, but it has only made things worse.Every time he took to his bed, his fingertips remembered the way Rose’s pliant body had felt beneath them. Or how her eyes had not left his, or how her breath had quickened as they rode together, or how her thighs had brushed against his, or how the base of her spine and the soft, pillowy roundness of her rump had pushed up against him in the most tantalizing manner. He could even smell the soapy, lavender scent that had wafted off her skin, though he kept no lavender in his bed-chamber.
“I will be driven to the brink of insanity,” he mumbled, licking his dry lips. Even that small action brought up thoughts of Rose, and how dearly he would like to press his mouth to hers and taste her on his tongue.
I am turning into Hudson!He had always cast his friend disapproving looks when he had hungered over the ladies of the night that caroused at the gambling halls. And yet, here he was, unable to even lick his lips without thinking imprudent things about Rose.
The trouble is… everything makes me think of her.He had gone to the stables after abandoning his desire to fence and had immediately left again, for he only had to look at a saddle, and he was imagining himself sitting atop it, with Rose in front again.
During the ride to the top of the cliff, he had tried to keep the motion of his hips to a minimum to avoid any affrontery, but she had not shuffled away from him nor seemed offended. At one point, he was sure she had pushed back, for he had almost had to stop the horse to regain his composure. After all, when desire rose through a man, it was far harder to hide than when a lady experienced it. Though he hoped he had managed to conceal his involuntary ardor from her, so she would not think him some sort of deviant.
“She did not appear to think any less of me in the carriage,” he mused aloud. That had been one of his favorite moments from the entire excursion, with Lord Bentley asleep, leaving the two of them to speak as though they were alone. Especially after the traumatic experience she had endured when that rock had splintered, sounding remarkably like a pistol shot.
He had, of course, known of her past and her woes to some degree, but it had been much more personal to hear her delve into the story with heartfelt detail. And yet, he felt glad because it had opened a window into her life that allowed him to feel as though he knew her better.
I never asked about her hopes… I never asked what her dreams were, back then.He cursed himself as he wandered across the lawns toward a particular trail that he favored, which cut through a cleared expanse of woodland and led to the fishing lake in the distance.
A path circled around the lake, and it was there that his estate felt the least safe. That was why he favored it. Dense forest on one side, water on the other, with the sounds of leaping fish and foraging beasts disturbing the peace and emulating the noises that an approaching wretch might make. He never left that path without the pulse of adrenaline in his veins.
He had just passed through the cleared portion of the woodland when he spotted a figure ambling toward him. They seemed to be struggling with something, but he could not see their face.
