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“There’s nothing wrong with that.” His tone was gentler now. “And you get to make your own choices. I won’t force you to leave your house and socialise. Except I don’t want you to waste your life on what might happen. No matter what you decide to do, you should communicate it with Dorian. Don't leave him wondering if he’s done something wrong.”
Anguished, I forced myself to look him in the eye. “That’s not what I want, but if I tell Dorian how I’m feeling, he’ll think I’m giving up, and he won’t… I don’t even know.”
“Margo, I know things might feel bad now, for many reasons, but it will get better. The waiting is the worst part, but we’ll be there with you for as long as you need us.”
“But what if—“
“What if everything works out?” He handed me back his cup. “You don’t have to be strong or smart all of the time, but let the people who care about you in so you can figure out how to move on together. Go inside now. It’s only going to get colder tonight.”
I nodded then headed inside my garden. Before I got to the door, he called my name. I looked back.
“It’s going to be okay,” he said. “We’re all in this together. This is your home now, for as long as you choose.”
I barely got inside before the tears began to fall.
After a pretty sleeplessnight thinking over the conversation with Nathan Evans, I decided to call Dorian the next morning. “Can we talk later?” I asked. “After school, I mean.”
“Of course,” he said. “Want me to come over or do you want to head out somewhere?”
“Let’s walk back to my house.”
Mam drove me to school, but I barely heard anything she said to me. My thoughts were a confused mess of fear and worry and paranoia. I wasn’t even sure what I wanted to say to Dorian.
“Dorian’s walking me home today,” I told Mam before I left the car. “So don’t worry, okay?”
“Text me when you finish school and again when you get home,” she warned.
“Promise.”
Emma and Chloe ambushed me three seconds after Mam drove off. Their constant chatter kept me from thinking too much.
School felt safer than anywhere else. A strange adult would be noticed immediately in the hallways, so I let myself relax. By the time I met with Dorian at the school gates, I felt a little less uptight.
Until a car revved its engine close by.
Flinching, I reached for him in a panic.
“It’s okay,” he whispered, drawing me closer. He held my gaze, no worry or fear in his eyes, and I knew there was no danger around. He would know. Then it struck me. So would I.
He reached for my bag, yanked my beanie free and then pulled it down on my head. “It’s cold today.” He held my bag in one hand and wrapped his fingers around mine with his free hand. “Let’s go get something to eat on the way.”
I let him lead me away, focusing on my breathing to calm down the rigidness of my shoulders. When had I become such a coward?
Dorian squeezed my fingers, and I almost cried again. How did I get so weak? How did our lives get so messed up? It was always one problem after another. Not knowing what might happen next was destroying any chance I had of being happy now.
In a local cafe where I had once been rejected for a job, we nursed toasty cups of hot chocolate.
“What did you want to talk about?” Dorian asked.
“I don’t know.”
“Oh.” He looked puzzled for a second before his expression cleared. “That’s okay.”
“How are you always like that?” I blurted. “Always ready to accept whatever anyone says. Why aren’t you mad at me or something?”
“I don’t want to be mad.” He posed it as a question then shrugged. “We all get to choose how we react to stuff, even me.”
“Especially you. How are you so calm all of the time?”
