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Gavin
Present
The server walks awayand I wonder what the hell I just ordered. Some mock version of pulled “pork.” Except this place serves no meat. Cora assures me it was a good choice, but I will be the judge.
Cora picks up her water and sips it while staring out the window. Her fingers twist and roll the paper straw while her eyes narrow slightly then go back to their normal shape. Occasionally, she bites the inside of her cheek. Beneath the table, her leg bounces and ghosts against mine every other breath.
Does she feel it each time her skin grazes mine? She is so lost in her thoughts, I doubt it. But I do. Every. Single. Time.
“Cora.”
Her eyes dart from the window to mine as she snaps out of her fog. “Huh?”
“Why are you so nervous?”
She rolls her eyes and it is fucking adorable. “Don’t be silly, Gavin. I’m not nervous.” Her leg bounces faster.
I tilt my head and study her a minute. “You know you can’t fool me. So why try?”
Cora huffs and sets her water down. A second later, she tucks her hands under her thighs. We sit in silence a moment, staring at each other. Holding her gaze has never been uncomfortable, whether for five seconds or five minutes.
And then I remember the reason why we are sitting together right now. The reason she’s giving me a chance. Because she is waiting to hear my truth. A truth I swore to tell her. That I plan to tell her. I only hope she listens. Truly listens and digests what I say.
“I’m sorry,” I say. An apology is the best place to start. Unfortunately, I have far too much to apologize for.
Her leg finally stops bouncing. “Sorry? And what exactly are you sorry for?” Her question slaps me in the face. A slap I more than deserve. A slap I will take like a man.
I reach under the table and rest a hand on her knee. The simple and innocent touch soothes my nervousness and helps me focus. “Where do I begin?” I pause a moment to gather my thoughts. She needs to know everything, but I don’t want to bounce from one end to the other and back again.
My question was meant to be rhetorical, but she answers. “How about the beginning. I find that to always be the best place.”
Cora’s snappy demeanor has me on the cusp of smiling. On the verge of teasing and light sarcasm. But the last thing I need is to piss her off more, so I resist the urge and trudge forward.
“I’m sorry I stopped answering your calls and texts. Sorry I didn’t return a single one of them. My parents had thrown every hope I had of getting back to you out the window. So, I thought I was doing the right thing by letting you go. By giving you a chance to move on without me. To have a life and smile and maybe find love again.”
A glutton for punishment, I refuse to look away from her. Refuse to not see every emotion she feels as my words set in. As I share the reason why I abandoned her years ago. Even as her eyes brim red and well in the corners. Even as her brow furrows and lips purse. She breaks eye contact and shifts her gaze to the street, not looking at anything specific. She just has difficulty looking at me. A tear rolls down her cheek and she swipes it away with the back of her hand. Her chin quivers as she clamps her lips between her teeth.
I walked into this knowing sour memories would be rehashed. That me spilling my truth, telling her where my head was at, would be hard to hear. But fuck, it hurts to watch her break down in front of me. To see her fighting off emotions as we sit in public and talk about the most painful parts of our past.
After a minute, I give her knee a squeeze. Her soft green bloodshot eyes come back to mine and the emotion in them is raw. It claws at my heart and shreds it in a million pieces. As painful as this is, I did this to her. And I deserve every gut-wrenching second of the pain I feel. Her pain.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she croaks out. “Why didn’t you call or text or write and tell me what was happening? We shared everything with each other. Everything.” She shakes her head. “But you up and decided to make this monumental decision without me.” She sucks in a breath and speaks on the exhale. “Gavin, I shut down. Detached from the world and crawled into a hole. All I wanted was to talk with you. My best friend. My everything. And you shut me out.”
A fist wraps around my heart and constricts the organ like a squeaky toy. Over and over and over.
How could I have been such a dick? How could I have been so selfish? Everything I did was in the hopes of Cora not being in pain. At least that’s what I kept telling myself. I thought letting her go was the best option. What other option was there? I had no way to get to her, and my parents did nothing to help. So, in my eyes, letting her live life without restriction seemed like the better option. I didn’t want her to feel obligated—to me or the possibility of me.
Obviously, I am a fucking idiot.
“No matter what I say, it’ll never make up for what I did. But I’d like to try now. Try to fix what I’ve done. Will you let me try? Please.”
I reach for my wallet and she follows my every move. Behind my license, I retrieve a folded piece of yellowing paper with tattered edges. After a deep breath, I set it on the table and slide it to her.
Cora’s red-rimmed eyes study my face. Her eyes dart between mine. Her lips press in a firm line and wobble side to side. And her chin continues to tremor as she reaches for the paper. Fixing this is not enough. I need to make it up to her every day of forever. And I will. I swear I will.
She sniffles and nods. “You know I will. But you have to tell me everything. No more secrets.” She holds up the paper. “What’s this?”
Before I answer, the server delivers our food to the table and cuts off our conversation. Cora tucks the paper in her pocket and I know she will read it when she is alone. Read the last letter she sent me, smudged with her tears and mine.
