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She puts her glasses back on, but then takes them back off and pinches the bridge of her nose.
“You alright?” I ask her, leaning forward and placing my hand gently on her elbow to steady her.
“Just a headache.” Her voice is small and scratchy.
“Did you get any sleep?” I ask her. She needs it. She can’t go on without resting.
“Yeah, some.” She looks at me for a long moment before saying, “I’d like to see you happy before I die.” Ma’s words stop me short of moving, the breath stilling in my lungs.
I hate how she talks like that. As if she’s leaving me tonight. She’s been beating the odds for years now. The cancer was supposed to kill her years ago. She’s not dying. I won’t let it happen.
Ma says that prayers work wonders. I know the drugs are helping. Or at least they were. Lately, though, her skin seems a little more grey, her face a little thinner, and her energy is nowhere near what it used to be. I wanna believe it’s just old age. But the scans are showing that it’s spreading again.
The chemo helped, before, but this time, not so much. It just needs time. It’s gonna work. I know it will. It has to.
“I mean it, Derek.” Her voice is hard as she settles back against the bed and takes in a deep breath. “You gotta find someone to make you happy.” My mother’s eyes water as she looks at me.
“Ma, knock it off. I’m gonna be fine.” Her small hand feels so frail in mine, but she squeezes back with the strength I know she has, the strength I'm used to.
She wipes away the tears under her eyes with her other hand.
“Stop talking like that.” I try to think of something the doctor said on the last visit, but there wasn’t anything that I can remind her of to keep her focused on fighting this. It’s quiet for a long time, neither of us knowing what to say.
I try not to let it get to me. She’s gonna be fine.
“Go ahead and turn that light out for me, would ya?” she asks as she puts both the book and her glasses onto the nightstand. “I think I’ll try to get in a little more shuteye.”
“Alright,” I say and get up, pushing off on my thighs and readying to go pass out myself. The thought of my sweetheart knocked out on the sofa makes a soft smile form on my lips.
“Love you, Ma,” I tell her out of habit before I flick the switch.
“Love you, too,” she says softly. “Leave it open,” she tells me with my hand on the doorknob.
As I climb the stairs, I cover my mouth with a yawn and think about Emma.
I remember that day again. The day that she fell, and her bag tore. There was a goodness about her I knew I didn’t deserve.
I still don’t, but I want her.
CHAPTER5
Emma
Sunlight pours through the sheer white curtains.
I open my eyes slowly, and it takes me a minute to figure out where I am.Sandra’s guest room.That's right.Winter break.
It comes back to me as I rub my eyes and lie back into the soft pillow, just wanting the annoying light to go away. My head hurts and I feel like I either overslept, or didn’t sleep enough. The last thing I remember is being on the loveseat with Derek.
Shit!I practically jump up, pushing the hair out of my face and frantically looking around the room.
Throwing off the lavender-colored down comforter, I climb out of bed. My head spins at first, and I brace myself against the dresser.
Oh my God.
I'm still in the black cami and lace undies I was in last night. Just undies… I take a moment to make sure I didn’t do anything stupid last night. Recalling everything I can.
Well… shit smoking was stupid. Being with Derek … that’s not smart. I cringe as I recall everything that happened last night. Covering my face with my hands.
