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“I would be a fool to not realize that.” It seemed as though he wanted to say more or potentially reveal something about how it had been going for him, but he caught his tongue. And that showed her that he still had reservations somewhere within him. Whether they were due in part to a sense of right and wrong or because he feared something else, Matilda could not tell.”
“You look as though you want to say something else. You know that you are free to speak your mind.”
He took a moment before saying, “Just because I am sure of myself does not mean I am invulnerable to saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, or perhaps the right thing at the wrong time. Therefore, sometimes it is best to not say anything at all.”
Just as she would do with Ann, she wanted to roll her eyes again at him but didn’t. She understood his complex logic. He must have been into philosophy books on top of poetry.
Matilda had looked to her left, the direction that Ann had gone and made sure that she was not on her way back, which she wasn’t. “I will accept that answer because I understand it. But I get a good feeling that one day, despite all your wisdom, I will still require you to speak your mind to me.”
Aaron held in a laugh. “You speak as though we are guaranteed a future. That is quite dangerous, wouldn’t you say? By my measure, we are not even guaranteed the next ten minutes, let alone a vast canvas of a future unknown.”
Matilda felt herself stumped in the next thing to say. Sometimes he made too much sense for her. But the remedy to that she had learned was to always ask a burning question. “Well, it’s hard not to envision some sort of future when I notice you look at me a lot more now. After our kiss, it was almost as though I was transparent. But now, I see your eyes in my direction more often than not. Why is that.”
If Aaron was going to blush again, he had learned how to control and conceal itthrough blushing so much throughout the conversation.
“Why must you ask the difficult questions? Perhaps all this reading has made you too inquisitive.” He teased.
“That is not an answer. That is a question after a question.”
Aaron released a playful sigh. “Fine, if you must know, judging from the way you were dressed the first night, I thought you were a servant. But now, I see past the attire.”
They both laughed.
“Well then, I am grateful for the attire. It led me to you.”
“It is strange how life works. You don’t put much weight into somethings, and in turn, they provide you with great rewards.”
Matilda had hit the point in the conversation where her mind began to wander. This would happen to her while reading for long periods of time. Her mind would drift elsewhere, thinking about what lays ahead rather than what was right before her.
Two things came to mind. The first one was about Ann. Had she taken her time so that they could mingle alone more? She wasn’t entirely supportive of them together, so it didn’t make too much sense to her. But if so, Matilda was grateful for the time.
The other thing that came to mind was a curiosity about Aaron. As open as he was about himself when speaking, there was still a level of reserve there. But she could not tell whether or not that was in her head. She knew that it was the first time that she had ever felt the feelings that she did. Therefore, she wasn’t blind to the matter that she could suffer from her own doubts. She wanted to be like the man who found the waterfall, but it was hard when it came to Aaron. His willingness to be open towards the world made him esoteric. A spirited man was not one to commit, even to the things he loved most. She could have been wrong to assume, but it scared her nonetheless.
That was when she pulled a page from her mother’s book. When you are uncertain with someone, test them slightly. “You are a lifelong friend.”
A short pause came from Aaron, and then he said, “I will be your friend for at least a year, and then I will likely disappear after that.”
Matilda’s throat tightened, and she could not tell if it was due in part to how she felt as though she could throw up any second. If that was a test, he had failed. Never before did she realize just how much words could inflict a physical sense of pain. And that clouded her thoughts. What would she say in return to such terrible news?How could one respond to something that made her lose the ability to speak altogether? Was she to pretend that she did not care out of fear of being further rejected? Or was she to be vulnerable and hope for his understanding? The problem was, had it been too soon to be that vulnerable?
Matilda could not help but feel inept in romance. Not knowing what to do with her feelings brought with it a great amount of shame. Even though the kiss to her felt profound, how did it rank in terms of their friendship? What significance did it have for Aaron? If he planned on leaving after a year, it must not have meant that much to him. And that hurt. That made her want to take the vulnerable route. Even if it meant looking stupid. The characters in her books always risked their image to follow their dreams.
“I wish that you would not leave.” It wasn’t easy to force out, but when the last sound left her lips, she felt immensely proud of herself.
Aaron’s expression softened so much so that it gave Matilda hope, a hope that her words proved to be more than just words to him. If anyone could understand the impact of words, it was Aaron, or so she hoped.
“You know,” Aaron began. “No one, not any of my friends, family, has ever said something like that to me. How can you feel that way after one kiss?”
The way he phrased it made Matilda feel as though the kiss wasn’t as monumental as she had thought. But she also knew that her brain was bound to feel small about anything in such a fragile discussion. “Perhaps one kiss can be more than just one kiss.” She tried her best at being witty to match his wittiness, but to her ears, it sounded rather juvenile. She was good at understanding philosophy but not so good at creating it.
“Your eyes…”
“What is wrong with them?”
“They are so pure. You don’t restrain anything from me. But I am not perfect. I have flaws, just as a weakened tree branch does. I do want you to—”
“Do not find yourself with delusions of grandeur.” Matilda smiled to make sure that he knew she was teasing him. “I never once said that I deemed you perfect. But that does not mean that I am to look at you with distrusting eyes. It is because of your flaws and willingness to accept them that my eyes accept you.
It looked as though for one of the first times, Aaron was speechless. That made her proud and took away from the previous few moments where she lacked in wittiness.
