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Chapter 11
It had been since the last time she kissed Aaron that Matilda woke up in good spirits. The second that her eyes opened that day, for whatever reason, she felt a surge of excitement.
It was Aaron’s face that mainly contributed to that excitement. Hope, it was the one thing that she held onto. And in Aaron’s eyes, back on the phaeton, there was hope.
What did that hope represent? What was she expecting? There were no answers inside her. But knowing that anything could happen between themand knowing that he felt the very same thing that she was feeling, that was enough to get her excited for the day.
She brought her warmed feet from the blanket onto the chilly floor and then to the window. Even though she had looked out the thing thousands of times and could never once see the horse’s stables in full view, she still gave it a try. Just a glance of Aaron off in the distance would make her happy. It would also let her know that he had not left town.
Matilda could not deny that little bit of information from Aaron. It was the one statement that had taken a massive grip of her heart and not let go. Would he really be leaving town after a year? While letting her eyes drift over the people down below going about their lives, she tried her best to not let that one statement ruin her mood.
She closed the curtains and took a deep breath. Thinking was not in her best interest as she picked out an outfit for the day. She did not want to waste her time in her head. One week ago, was her first ride out with Aaron. Because of that ride, she was not only able to see him but she was also granted the ability to read poetry. Right before that, she had shared a kiss with him. Everything that she had ever wanted in terms of being on an adventure was coming to fruition. Thinking and over-thinking would only take away from it all.
That day was the first in a while where she did not have any obligations to the many social functions that she had been busy attending throughout the week. She had a moment to breathe, collect herself and appreciate the good things that had happened, even if they were coddled by some bad. There was no living without uncertainty. Aaron was a bundle of uncertainty, but she would rather have it that way than no Aaron at all. He was the hope in a hopeless time.
After getting dressed, Matilda confirmed with Ann that they would be travelling again on Aaron’s phaeton. That excited her even more so. That would mean that anything could happen. Their conversation could go even deeper, and maybe their bond could grow further. It amazed Matilda at how little things like that could feel so grand and important. She could not wait.
But then, it was her mother who entered her room. It was not more than five minutes from returning to confirm with Ann that her mother’s almost stomping feet made her way into the room.
Immediately, Matilda could tell what type of mood her mother was in. She could also forecast the discussion. It had to be about Charles. She knew that she had not been caught for the poetry. She had done nothing else wrong. It only left that one difficult subject. And it was the last thing that she wanted to speak about.
“Good morning, mother.” Matilda forced out, wishing that there were no other words to fill the room.
“Forget the greetings.” Her mother started. “You know why I am here.
“Mother, can we ever just speak normally, without the fanfare and excitement.”
Her mother gave her a face signifying that she still saw her daughter as a little girl, one for which she had zero respect in terms of unwarranted opinions. “Until you have a family of your own, I will decide the tone of conversations. You are squandering time and not taking your duties as Charles’ future wife seriously. Many girls all over town are vying to be in your position, waiting to be wed, waiting to start a family life. And here you are, pouting about books and acting like a belligerent child.”
Matilda digested her mother’s words and quickly understood that she would not accept any answer that came from Matilda. It would all just be seen as an excuse. So, with that in mind, she did not respond.
“Nothing? You reside in silence? And do you think that will solve this problem?”
“What would you like me to say, mother? That I am in love with Charles? That I am looking forward to the wedding? Because then I would be lying.”
Matilda was not sure how much she could get away with saying. The conversation had brought her spirits down within seconds. It was as though the air in her chest had been sucked out.
“You have not even given any of this a chance. You are acting just as you did when you were younger, turning away food without even trying it.”
“This is not food, mother. This is my entire life. I do not need to be with Charles to know that I do not want to….” She whispered, not knowing just who might walk by and overhear something they should not. “be with Charles.”
The room had become smaller to Matilda. The tension was making the four walls seem as though they were slowly moving inward. Her empty bookcases and bare walls only made her angrier.
“You speak as if you even know.” Her mother began. “But you don’t. You don’t know the first thing about being a wife, starting a family, establishing a—”
“You are making me marry a man that—”
“Do not interrupt me. You will hear what I have to say because I am your mother. I have experienced marriage, but more importantly, I have experienced life. I have seen women go without a husband. And I have seen those same women wither into a shell of what they used to be, desperate for any type of love from anyone. If you do not marry Charles, you risk never finding love. And that is far worse than your little temporary displeasure.”
In that moment, with the room feeling more like a jail than a place that held her flowers and oversized silky pillows, Matilda did not see her mother in the same way. She saw her as being made of stone, unable to hear anything that went against her beliefs. So what was there to say then? It was like speaking to a statue. But she knew that silence would not lead to anything better. “I do not know what else to say. At this point, I would rather die alone than live a life that is a charade.”
Aaron was in the back of her mind, and it took an enormous amount of effort to not use him as an example that she cared for someone else.
Her mother did a movement with her jaw that looked as though she wanted to unleash all her anger on Matilda. “I have really tried my hardest to not be crude with you; to not speak to you, my daughter with malice. But somethings must be said.”
Matilda gave her mother stoic eyes in anticipation ofwhatever harshness was coming her way. A part of her did its best not tobe offended by her mother’s rant. Efforts were made to understand that it came from a place of frustration and not a lack of love. But as the conversation continued to live, Matilda could not help but be hurt by it all.
“Ever since you were younger, you have not acted like a young girl should act. You’ve been dismissive, rebellious, and refused to take responsibility on your own behalf. You bring great shame to the notion of following family protocols, something that is required to not only keep our family name intact, but they are there to instil order and generational consistency.”
