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Chapter 12
Aaron had thought that once he arrived home after his night out with Matilda, he would have been fast asleep once his head hit the pillow. But that was not the case.
He had gotten into bed filled with unbridled excitement. But after tossing and turning for what had to be an hour, Aaron felt that turning into something more. Whatever it was, he could not quite understand it.
Thinking about Matilda was not like other things in life. His dreams and ambitions excited him, but they did not consume him. They did not replay in his mind over and over until he craved them. With Matilda, it was just that.
Even though he had slipped her inside her home, undetected and not too long ago. He missed her. His heart ached for her. A major part of Aaron simply needed to be with her, smell her, feel her, taste her. And all of that kept him awake.
Matilda wasn’t just a person or a pretty woman. She was an experience. The world, when around her, it felt like a smaller place. Whether it was atop a hill orin a phaeton, next to her, he is home. Home is where her smile is; her laugh is; the way that she goes on and on about her favourite books. Matilda had started to be beyond fascinating to Aaron. And he didn’t want more. He needed more.
Beyond Matilda’s interests and passions, it was nature that made Aaron realize just how unique she was. In all his travels, all his dwellings with individuals, Matilda cared most about people. Her heart was big, and Aaron could see that without having to look too hard. She was the fresh air to his adventure—that missing piece that he had been indirectly searching for. Because Aaron was not immune to loneliness. As much as he loved to live free, explore, and not write out his future ahead of time, the constant change in his day to day meant not being attached to many people. And, even though it was a rare sensation, loneliness was there. Matilda eliminated that for him.
As he lay in bed, Aaron did something profound. And it was only profound because it was one of those things he did not like to do—think about his future.
Over time, Aaron had learned that the best way to live was in the current moment. The past was done. The future was tricky. Thinking about the future meant planning the future. And planning the future meant resigning one’s self to hope. Hope was a dangerous thing to Aaron because when something did not come to fruition, he learned that people tend to feel let down. And he never wanted to feel that way. Therefore, he tended to avoid all things that dealt with his future. If he did not hope for things, then there would be no disappointment.
But with Matilda, his mind overthrew him like an army on the verge of a coup. He imagined a future with Matilda, laughing together, sleeping together, maybe even raising a family.
It was a foolish thought. Addison would never allow it. And just like that, his stance on hope had been reinforced. That brief moment of thinking about having a future together stripped him of the ability to really see things for what they were.
Addison had a grip on him. It may have not been a literal, physical one, but it was real. He only had a year away from her. And then it would be back to living in the shadows so that his father could keep his job and their family would be safe. There was no way around that. There was no amount of hope that could magically save everything. Hope was for children.
As much as Aaron enjoyed the books that Matilda read, the difference between him and her was that he knew they were just stories. He could appreciate the literary word.But in the end, he knew that hope, fairy tales, majestic poetry, it was all just entertainment. You could learn and be indulged, but it was like swordplay to live your life by a book’s standards.
And then there was the very obvious obstacle that he could no longer ignore. If he were to lay around and fantasize about a future with Matilda, he also needed to acknowledge that she was engaged to be married. No matter how much he cared for her, nomatter how much he needed to be with her, he could not. That was just the truth of the situation, and there was no way around it. It was a perfect example of why hope was a dangerous and foolish thing to be dealt with.
Thinking about it all as the moon began to descend from the sky, Charles was not a bad man. He was polite. He had never hurt anyone and was entirely unaware of Matilda’s displeasure towards him. That was not fair, nor was it right. The guilt filled Aaron’s chest like rain in a bucket. Being with Matilda, stealing books for her, and becoming obsessed was easy. But realizing the harsh truths and respecting them that was hard. That was maybe the hardest thing he had ever done in his life. It was why he strayed from the emotional end of things.
***
The next day, Aaron tries not to stare while Matilda sees Charles off. It was the afternoon, normally a time where Aaron felt most awake, sure of himself and happy. But seeing Matilda with Charles created a burning sensation in his chest. It made him antsy, jealous almost. And again, Charles did not deserve that from a man he barely knew. But the truth was, seeing Matilda with another man broke Aaron’s heart.
When Charles was gone, and Matilda started to make her way towards Aaron, he looked away, trying to ensure that she didn’t catch him staring. That was another thing he did not like. Aaron found himself having to act in certain ways, like hiding his true emotions sometimes. He was not used to that. The fine line between being vulnerable and being too vulnerable was not easily understood.
As she approached, Aaron could tell that she was going to ask for a ride. He wanted to give her one. He wanted to spend all the time in the world with her. But he knew that it was not feasible. He needed to stick to what was right, what would make the most sense, and he had already figured that out. They could not pursue a relationship with one another. Friendship would not work either. That would only complicate things. Therefore, he needed to create distance between them. It was time to stop the hopeful charade. That meant stopping the phaeton rides.
“Good afternoon Aaron.”
Aaron thought about what tone to use when replying. Too nice would not do anyone any favours. Too mean would be too much too soon. “Good afternoon.” He chose a balance in-between.
“You look rather disgruntled?” She said. “Is everything okay?”
“Everything is fine. I am getting my work done, is all.”
There was a pause on Matilda’s end. Her face explained that she was attempting to analyze him. Between the beautiful sunny weather and the routine-breaking lacy dress she wore, Aaron found himself coming off as a curmudgeon. Matilda did not deserve that. She did deserve reality, though.
“You are not fine. You are acting rather reserved like you do not want me here.”
“That is not true. I am just busy today.”
“I was going to ask you if we could take a ride.”
Hearing the words stung. He did not want to say no but knew that he had to. Difficult was an understatement. How could he turn her away when she was the only person he wanted? She consumed his thoughts, and he was to rid himself of her as though she meant nothing.
“I cannot take you today. I am far too busy.” He tried his best not to look at her when saying it. But that proved to be impossible. Within the second glance that he took of her face, her disappointment was immediate.
His heart began to ache as he knew that he was the one now proving to her that the books are lies. In a way, he was becoming just like the people she had always been at odds with. Aaron was ruining her fairytale. “It is just not the right time.” He added.
