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Chapter 14
Despite all the stars looking down at him that night, the world felt empty. The once vast sea of possibilities for Aaron to explore throughout his lifetime all seemed somewhat trivial compared to his feelings towards Matilda.
He chucked hay as hard as he could to where it needed to go. With each throw, he felt his arms strain, his back contort, his breath grow shorter. There had been a chill to the air, but because of how fast and hard he was moving, he was breaking a sweat.
The brown horse, his favourite, gave him a long look as if the horse somehow knew that his temper was getting the best of him. What would he say to the horse if the horse knew how to understand words? He would say that he was mad, mad that the world was unfair. He would say that he had finally found someone to share his passions with, but the world would not allow it due to ridiculous circumstances out of his control. The cruel irony in it all was the fact that throughout Aaron’s life, he had never sought control of anything. He had always come to grips with the fact that there was no such thing as control when it came to life. And then, the one time he really wished he could control an outcome and make things better, his belief system had come back to hurt him.
When all the hay had been moved, and there was no work left to fill his day, he imagined giving Matilda a phaeton ride. Realizing that it would never happen again, he went over to one of the piles of hay and kicked it as hard as he could. The pile erupted into a thousand little strands. It felt so good that he did it to the one next to it.
“I did not know that kicking hay was part of your job.”
Aaron froze at the sound of her voice. That soft yet strong melody of sound was something that he could never forget. He wished it wasn’t so.
When he turned around, there stood Addison. In the moonlight, her reddish hair took on a strange glow. He imagined that if it had a taste, that taste would be sour.
There wasn’t much light covering the stables but just enough to where they could see each other. Her face wore an appraising look as if she had to figure him out or something. But his gaze had probably come off much the same, not quite fully knowing what she had come to see him about, yet, he knew. There was no avoiding Addison. She was like death. When she wanted to come, she would come, whether you liked it or not.
“What are you doing here?” Aaron forces out, feeling his voice lose some deepness to it. Her confidence could break any man.
“Are you forgetting that I am Charles’s aunt? I was the one that spoke so highly of this town to you, did I not? Of course, I am going to check in on how things are going?”
Aaron shook his head and tried to remain calm. He was already worked up from before and what was happening was not helping. “You must have gotten word of something from one of your ears around town…about me.”
Addison made a frown as if she did not know what he was speaking of. “You would have to enlighten me of that because no, I have not. Whatever could you be speaking of?”
Her words were a reminder of just how much he did not miss her. Being around her gave him the opposite sensation of what he felt around Matilda. When he was near Addison, it was like the world became smaller, like some sort of manipulative jail. She had a way about her that made you feel as though you didn’t matter, that you were just a pawn in her life, one that she could move around however she pleased. Her pride was something that filled her from her toes to her forehead. It always amazed him that, unlike most people, she had not a hint of doubt in herself. She was her own biggest admirer.
“Anyway,” Addison began. “Let’s not waste anymoretime among these ugly beasts out here.” Her eyes flashed over to the horses’ direction. “Are you ready to come back with me now?”
Aaron could feel his chest go tight. He also needed to open his hand as his fingertips dug into his palm so hard that he hurt himself. “What do you speak of? You promised me a year out here. Do not go back on your word. If there is anything that makes you likeable, it has always been your ability to say what you mean.”
Addison smiled. “Why, is that a compliment from you? It must be a special day if so. What do you expect from Hardon Aaron? This is what is making you feel like you’re on an adventure?” She gestured first to the horses and then to the pile of exploded hay on the ground.”
“There is more in this town than you know. There is more to a journey than what you see in a few minutes.”
“What does wrangling horses do for you, Aaron? What do these people give you here that excites you? All these places are exactly the same. You lie to yourself. Because you have moved from one point to the next, you believe you are living. It is all a façade—a façade to make you feel less sad about your own existence.”
Aaron craved to bring up Matilda. To tell her how she made him feel. Matilda had made him feel more alive than Addison ever could have. And seeing her in person, in a place that made him happy, so close to a girl that made him happy, he knew that Addison wasn’t just death. She was the poison that brings death as well.
“You know nothing about living, Addison. You live in your head and carefully construct ways to control people so that you get what you want. You’ve mastered smiles, being nice, conversing, but in the end, it is all about you. And you like it that way.”
Addison laughed and almost looked as though she was blushing. “My my, I do thoroughly enjoy that you know me so well. No one ever takes the time to go beyond my beauty, but as always, you have a way with details.”
Addison brushed past him, touching his shoulder long enough for Aaron to feel a discomfort mixed with something else. That something else was what he wanted to avoid.
When it came to Addison, it had been a long build-up for him of reasons as to why he grew such disdain towards her. Emotionally, it took a toll on him. But underneath it all, in what had to be the same area inside him that loved adventure, he enjoyed her worst elements against his best interests. It was similar to enjoying being drunk. He tolerated her for all the wrong reasons, and he knew it. Matilda was the one who showed him the way, who proved to him that he could enjoy someone who was pure-hearted. He didn’t need to live on the edge of someone’s dark personality to feel alive. He could be happy around someone who truly treated him right.
“You are nothing but conceited,” Aaron said.
“Get my carriage.” She leaned in and gavehim a cold kiss on the cheek. It was shocking, so much so that Aaron felt frozen in his tracks.
Eventually, Aaron pulled himself from her sphere of space and went over to prepare her carriage. As he got the horse ready, he could still feel her emotionless lips on his cheek. There was something about the sensation that felt wrong. It made him feel small, trapped, suffocated. Her lips were the equivalent of an icy tomb, and he never wanted to feel them again.
He pulled the carriage around, and she got in, giving him a long stare with a crooked smile while riding off. He wished to never see her again but knew that it would not be so. He did not have a choice.She had made that abundantly clear.
It was then that he heard a rustling by the bushes. When he looked over, he saw Matilda standing there. Her face was in pure shock, so much so that it was almost unrecognizable. He knew in that moment that things were about to get worse between him and Matilda. If she caught the kiss, there was no undoing that. There would be no erasing it from her eyes. Adding that to the way he was with her about a week ago, her trust had surely been broken.
In that moment, while facing a broken Matilda, their time together flashed before him, from the first kiss to stealing books for her, all the way down to their time on the hill together. He could not stop it from playing in his head, in detail, almost taunting him. He had been bad to Matilda. She had almost given him everything, including her heart, and he had done nothing but abuse it. And that was not fair to her, not in any way.
