AllFreeNovel
Share Us
God, why am I crying?!
I’m the one who chose to run!
I’m so confused by my own feelings.
Trying to steady my breathing, I blow my nose with some toilet paper.
Great, my whole face is probably swollen from all the tears, and I have no makeup to hide my state.
Oma pops into my mind. Years ago, when my relationship with my first boyfriend was falling apart,I went to visit her in Austria, all confused with emotions running high.
In her typical warm Oma way, she sat me down and asked me to consider what I feel like when I’m with him, especially when things don’t go so well.
Can I be myself? Does he inspire me to be the best version of myself?
She said nothing more and let me come to my own conclusions. I loved her for it. She knew me so well before she developed dementia. After contemplating these questions, it was much easier letting Donald go.
And Tiero? How does he make me feel?
In the beginning, when he wooed me with all his might, he made me feel alive and ecstatic, but already back then there was this niggling voice in my head cautioning me.
Then he kidnapped me, and I got to see the angry and controlling side of him. I felt fear like never before in my life. And when I warmed up to him again, I was ashamed of how easily I’d push aside my values.
Could I be myself with Tiero?
I ponder it for a while.
No, I couldn’t.
Right from the beginning, I thought he was out of my league, and I was too inexperienced and not worldly enough for a man like him. Opposite Ella was the answer.
The concept now makes me cringe, pretending to be someone I’m not just to fit in and please him.
I am enough, just as I am!
If neither of my ex-boyfriends nor my vacation whirlwind felt that way about me, doesn’t it just mean they weren’t right for me? If they can’t love all of me, how could they be?
And while Don and Marco looked further afield, Gualtiero wanted to mold me into his idea of the ideal mob wife… pretty to look at, clueless about what’s going on, sexually available, and pumping out babies to continue the family tradition of crime and violence.
No, thank you!
That most certainly didn’t bring out the best of me.
And would I have been proud to introduce him to my parents if they were still alive? Hell no. I’d be ashamed of what he does, his loose morals and values that are so unlike what I’ve been raised with.
Contemplating these questions instantly makes me feel better. Respect, integrity, kindness, compassion… these are important to me and were pathologically lacking with Tiero.
Still, I can’t deny the connection we shared and the way Tiero carved his way into my heart. I’ve never felt anything like it and doubt I ever will again.
But sometimes love alone is not enough. Sadness fills me all over again, and I swallow down the tears, wanting to break free.
No more crying!
I need to get on with things.
Tiero knows I’m on this train, and his computer geek will have undoubtedly hacked the security system at the train station and checked who took off the earrings. In which case, they’re aware of my disguise.
Good thing I’ve got one more wig.
