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Chapter Fifty-One
Ella
It’snighttime;thesecondlast night I might have left on this earth. The thought is dizzying.
I’m glad I haven’t got more time to think about it. I’m not sure if I would succumb to fear or embrace the possibility of being reunited with my parents… and Tiero.
In my mind, I’m looking at a set of old-fashioned scales; you know, the ones with a dish on either side, swinging unevenly until some sort of equilibrium is reached. One side holds a life here and now with Aiden and Rhia, and the possibility of children, laughter, and joy. On the other side are my parents and soon Tiero, peace and serenity, never experiencing suffering or pain again. I hate to admit it, but both have appeal.
That’s until I look into Aiden’s eyes and Rhia’s, and the love that shines so brightly there for me… I couldn’t do it to them. To leave them by consciously choosing death.
Death—The mere word used to make me shudder. But facing it is not as frightening as I imagined. There is no guarantee this heart transplant is going to be successful or that my body will accept Tiero’s heart. And if that happens, I’m okay with it… for now.
Tiero has made peace with his imminent death. He seems content, happy even. The thought of giving me his life appeasing something in him.
Death. Death. Death.I let the word echo in my mind.
No! It’s not my time yet.
Thinking about death makes me want to live, makes me want to experience life to the fullest. I want it all. Even the messy parts… the occasional pain and heartache, the disappointments, and the so-called injustices.
And all of a sudden, all the upsets and devastations of the past several years seem worth it. They were necessary for me to arrive at this point, at this time.
I want to live.
I want my big moments in life—my wedding with Aiden, watching Rhia walk down the aisle to Lex, the birth of our children, and them playing together.
And I want to watch sunsets and shooting stars, even get out of bed for a sunrise, puppies licking my face, and the sweet taste of marzipan on my tongue… all the little things that make life good and special.
Tiero is giving me this…. or at least the possibility of it.
It’s a gift of life.
One I will not squander.
Earlier today, I sat on my bed, flanked by Rhia on my left and Aiden on my right, both holding my hands, while Doctor Romolo outlined the risk and complications the surgery itself holds, and what to expect afterwards.
I can’t say that being on immunosuppressants for the rest of my life holds much appeal, but it’s a small price to pay to have a future… as unknown as it might be.
I spent the rest of the day with the people who mean the most to me, thankful that it distracted me from going down that rabbit hole of contemplating the surgery. Not wanting to split my time between rooms, we all ended up in Tiero’s room.
Aware of how little time he has left with his brother, Mateo was glued to Tiero’s side; the interaction between them so loving, it made me tear up more than once. This must be so hard on him. I wish I could somehow make it easier.
Mateo is spending the night by his brother’s side, and tomorrow for his last night, I will be there. Aiden suggested it, but it was my plan all along, and Tiero’s wish when we spoke this morning.
Some might say it’s the logical thing to do, but it felt like more than that… more like we really are of the one mind… one soul.
But right now, Aiden and I are spending what I hope won’t be our last night together. We’re lying on my bed, facing each other, hands clasped between our hearts. It’s a little crowded, but I don’t mind; he’s closer that way.
Neither of us wants to fall asleep, afraid to miss even a minute with each other. We’ve been talking for hours about everything and nothing, about our dreams and aspirations, what we will name our children, and our pets, the places we want to travel to and explore. The list is long, and it will take us more than this lifetime to make it all happen. Especially the six children Aiden wants; Tiero and he are so similar in that regard, but I draw the line at three. It’s always been my favorite number after all.
Being so close to Aiden, smelling his unique alpine scent, feeling the warmth of his skin against mine, and talking about children… I long to have him one more time. The need grows the more we talk, especially with the uncertainties of the next few days hanging over our heads.
There is a moment of silence, when we just get lost in the depths of each other’s eyes. Every time is like the first time I saw him—I still get sucked into his essence, coming home to him.
“Aiden, make love to me… please.”
I know I shouldn’t ask this of him. But what if this is our last chance to share something so intimate?
