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I’m not going to cope well with that.
Finally, my phone pings again, distracting me from my gloomy thoughts.
Claudette: I’m sorry you have to go through all of this. But it will all be fine in the end.
What? That’s it? Why does she always have to be so cryptic? If I’m dead, I’m fine, right? And what does in the end mean? That could be tomorrow or in twenty years.
Me: Is that all the wisdom you have to offer me? That could mean anything.
Me: Sorry, not mad at you, just everything else.
Claudette: With Tiero nearing his end, what has he learned from his life? The three of you are together (and before you ask, yes, I can sense it). It’s rare and won’t happen again for a long time. Take stock. How did you get to where you are today? Your heart is your power. What attitudes to life led you to this point? Dig deep for the answers. Take stock and be free together.
Me: Thanks… I think.
Claudette: Sending you all my love, darling. You’ve got this.
Be free together.What is that supposed to mean? I let out a frustrated sigh. Can’t she just spell it out?
And what about we won’t be together again for a long time? Does that mean we will be again another time? In another lifetime? Tiero seems to believe we’ll get another chance. If we do, I hope it’s less dramatic.
The thought that today won’t be the final goodbye is somewhat comforting, though. But who knows how all of this works… what’s true and what isn’t.
I carefully climb out of bed and sit in the chair next to the bed to watch Tiero sleep. For a few precious moments, all the chaos in my head falls away as I rejoice in each and every little sign he’s still alive.
I text Aiden and ask him to join us when he wakes up.
Around five o’clock, the door to Tiero’s room opens and Ade enters with tousled hair, looking sleepy. I’m relieved he got some rest, but there are still dark rings beneath his eyes.
He walks over, and I hug him tight.
“You okay, Sunshine?” he asks quietly, kissing the top of my head.
I’m still not sure how to answer that question. Yes, I’m fine, but how could I be okay with what’s going to happen today? “As much as I can be,” I reply, whispering as not to wake Tiero, but as if sensing Aiden’s presence, he stirs.
Hazel-brown eyes slowly open and it’s the most wonderful sight. My heart leaps and then squeezes in pain.
Last time you see this, the voice in my head murmurs.
Now is not the time to think about this, I remind myself. Not if I want to make it through themorning. I take a deep breath in and, with a long breath out, I let go of the anguish.
“Gandalf’s words are playing on a loop in my mind. I want to understand them fully, before it’s too late,” I admit to both men. “I feel more complete with the two of you in my life, but I’m not freer. And that was the last part of the riddle.
“Then Claudette messaged out of the blue, talking as cryptically as ever.” I read it out loud, and Tiero’s forehead crinkles. “What lessons have you learned this life?” I repeat.
Aiden nods. “I believe you come into life for a reason. We’re here to learn a lesson… or two or three.” He chuckles. “I spent hours meditating at the ashram, asking… no, demanding to know why I had to endure so much pain and suffering. And I wasn’t talking about the physical side of it, the mental side was far worse. Master Sachinanda kept saying to me, my purpose was to love. But how could I love the people responsible for killing my friends, for murdering innocent civilians? I realized that as much as I believed in the rightness of my job, my heart was hardening, becoming more robotic to shut out the pain and despair that surrounded me when I was on a mission. It was one of the reasons I didn’t return to the Green Berets after my injury. It didn’t feel right anymore. Now I use my expertise to train people, to give them skills to stay alive, perceive danger, to protect themselves and defend others. And I hope I’m bringing an element of heart to this. But I also learned that pain is a part of life.” Looking at Tiero, he continues, “As you said yesterday, to deny pain is to deny joy.”
There’s a pregnant pause as Tiero and Aiden silently acknowledge each other.
“I’ve never thought about my life lesson,” I admit. “After my parent’s death, I was just existing for a long time… up until a few weeks before our Sicily trip. Rhia’s aunty died in a car accident and something clicked. I stopped feeling like a victim, and asking why this had happened to me when I’m such a good person?” I throw my head back, staring at the ceiling.
“Fuck. I’ve wasted years grieving the loss of my parents, despite sensing their presence so many times.
“They hadn’t abandoned me; they were still there.
“I chose to hang onto my grief rather than move through it. On top of that, I poured my heart into a relationship that wasn’t properly reciprocated and I accepted crap because it kind of suited the state I had worked myself into.
“My parents never left me, yet I grieved for them for years and years. No wonder my heart is failing me. It’s my penalty for spending its precious energy the wrong way.”
