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Ella stiffens beside me. “He called you black swan?” she asks, a little breathless. She’s spooked. Why?
Chapter Twenty
Ella
Blackswan.
Holy shit!
I have a flashback to my dream with the swan and I hear Claudette’s “Black swans are a sign of good things to come.”
What kind of good things? Like staring at his lips and ending up sweaty and out of breath?
No, no, no, no, no.
I’m resolved not to go there. I need to create a new life for myself without the complications of getting involved with anyone. More for his sake than mine. Or he might end up dead, or worse, tortured and killed.
But there is an undeniable pull toward him. Should I really ignore it?
Yes!
Fuck, and how often have I come across black swans? Black ones, not white? I haven’t seen a white swan in years… but black ones all the fricking time!
God, I’m light-headed just thinking about this, spots clouding my vision. I blink a few times to clear them. I must be staring at Aiden dumbstruck, if his puzzled expression is anything to go by.
“You okay?” he asks.
“Yes,” I squeak. “Why did Master Sachinanda call you black swan?” I ask.
“He said he sensed black swan energy around me. I looked it up afterward, and it did sound like me… at least the me before my military service.Not exactly what you expect when you first meet, mysterious, playful, treasuring life and laughter. The last part I had clearly lost.” He appears somber as he thinks back to his most difficult time.
Well, he’s definitely not what I expected when I first met him—thank God for that, or I’d be facing Tiero right now. And while I have only known Aiden for a few days, he most certainly has those attributes he talked about. It’s so easy to laugh with him and just be myself. And the way he looked after me when I discovered I wasn’t pregnant… it melts my heart.
My heart… oh god, it’s in serious trouble.
“Master told me to stay, that it was time for the light and dark within me to settle, find a balance. I had no idea what that meant, but I’d never felt so lost in my life and was keen to find myself again.”
“Why do wise ones always talk in riddles?” I ask. This reminds me of Claudette’s mysterious wisdoms.
“Good question. Perhaps if they spell it out, we wouldn’t take it seriously. This way we keep thinking about it over and over and come to our own conclusions.”
“True.” I sure haven’t forgotten Gandalf’s riddle since our Scotland trip. “So you stayed at the ashram?” I ask.
“I did. It opened my eyes to a lot of things. I learned a different way to be. Though, I will never forget what happened, it helped me forgive… Ginger to begin with, but also the others for not realizing what was going on, and ultimately and most importantly, myself.”
“What did you do all day there? This would have been so different from what you were used to.”
“Yes, that was part of the appeal. We meditated twice a day and fell in with everybody else… cooking, cleaning, gardening. Everything was used to practice love and devotion; it nourished a part of my being that was completely starved. Ethan and I also built a couple of new huts in our time there. It was a totally different pace of life and the complete opposite of living in a war zone. Not being continuously on high alert took some getting used to.
“Many westerners live in an ashram to go back to the basics and become independent from regular habits, patterns, and indulgences. Ethan and I were used to roughing it, so for us, having proper sleeping quarters and wholesome food was an indulgence. For us, being there was more about finding peace after years of seeing and experiencing the atrocious side of humanity. Being there allowed light back into my darkened heart, every day a drop or two more.
“Master spoke to me often. He used to remind me there are no accidents in this universe, that the experiences in my life came to me for a reason.
“One day he said, ‘Look at me. Why do you find me attractive?’ I was a bit stunned. I wasn’t aware that I did, but I started to talk and said, ‘Your appearance lets me see every experience you’ve had in your life.’ And he replied, ‘Yes, I am just me. Scars are a sign that the body was hurt… and that it has healed. Allow your mind and your heart to do the same. This is a critical point in your journey, my child. Open your heart to receive this gift from the divine.’
“I sat in the hut Ethan and I shared for an entire day, staring out of the window, contemplating this.”
“Was he saying what happened on that mission was a gift? But it killed your mates and made life difficult for so many people.”
