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“It was still possible for me to have had a career in the Army but I chose not to. You have to be able to trust and rely on your brothers in arms, and I wasn’t able to do that… not after what had happened. For a long time afterward, I didn’t trust anyone other than Ethan and Axel. The three of us spent a lot of time together. We were the only ones who really understood what we were going through.
“We decided together to hand in our resignations. The day we did it was the day we got the triquetra tattoos. In a world that seemed so uncertain, it was a reminder that we had each other, no matter what. And we placed it over our hearts because despite all odds, they were still beating. We would go through hell for each other… and we have. And I’d do it over and over again. They are the best people I’ve ever known.”
Tears are still trickling from Ella’s eyes, and I lift my free hand to wipe them away. She looks away, embarrassed.
“My dad used to quote Winston Churchill a lot. He used to say, ‘When you’re going through hell, keep going.’ I know what it means now.”
Ella’s gaze rises to mine again, her eyes searching mine. “How are you so normal after an experience like that? What you had to go through would have broken so many.”
“I felt broken for a long time,” I admit.
“But seeing you now, you could never tell you went through hell and back.”
I tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ears, my knuckles grazing the soft skin of her cheeks. There’s an urge to touch her, but I’m aware I shouldn’t.
The little contact is enough, though, to remind me I’m all man, especially around this woman.
My arousal is awakening, my pants growing uncomfortably tight.Not now, I tell myself. The timing is all wrong. But someone tell that to my cock.
“It wasn’t an easy journey,” I say, dropping my hand and reining in my desire for her.
I want her to know all of me, even the scarred parts. After all, they’ve made me who I am today. So I pick up the story.
“I’d lost my mental strength, lacked focus and determination. All three of us suffered badly from depression; Axel still does.
“I questioned everything: my life’s purpose, humanity… questioning why I didn’t see what was happening around me despite my training. Had I missed signs that not everything was right with Ginger?”
Reluctantly, I let go of Ella’s hand to reach for my bottle of water. My throat is parched just like it was back in the cave. How can memories trigger reactions like that?
“Then three things happened within the span of a day. In the morning, my mom dropped off a box of my things from when I was about ten or eleven. She thought it might cheer me up to look through the stuff I collected back then. To humor her, I did. It mostly contained magazine articles about things that inspired me or I wanted to try out… like skydiving and going on adventure survivor camps.”
Ella’s facial expression screams,What the fuck?“That’s what you wanted to do for fun even back then? I guess you got your wish there,” she replies drily.
“Yep, jumping out of a plane is actually lots of fun,” I tease her. She just raises an eyebrow but says nothing.
“Among other things in that box were travel brochures. One showed an ashram in India. It was up in the mountains and looked so inviting. I stared at it for an hour. It was as if the peace and tranquility was shining from the picture.
“Then, in the afternoon, a friend dropped by who had just returned from a vacation. He’d been to India. He showed me pictures, and one in particular caught my attention. He’d been at a religious festival as a spectator and had taken a photo of a very old swami. He didn’t put on the ‘photo smile’ like we often do. He was just himself. It felt good seeing that. Like why do we pretend to feel something we don’t? So I looked him up, and he turned out to be the head of that same ashram in the mountains.
“Coincidence? It was like God was given me directions, which is ironic given it took me away from Christianity. I wouldn’t have considered eastern spirituality prior to the cave incident.”
Ella is sitting up straighter now, her interest clearly piqued. “What was the third thing that happened that day?”
“A quote. I was mindlessly watching television and got stuck on a documentary about Rumi.”
“The Persian poet?” Ella asks.
“Yes. I can’t remember in what context they used the quote, but it was calling to me.”
“Are you going to tell me what the quote was?” Ella nudges my shoulder playfully, making me smile.
“‘The wound is the place where the Light enters you.’That night, when I took a shower, I stared at the spot where the rock had been stuck in the front of my shoulder. The scar was still bright red and angry looking. Did light enter there?
“Suddenly, I was determined to find the answer, and I kept thinking India is the place for me to be. I convinced Ethan to come along. Axel was still in the hospital, and I hated leaving him behind, but it was something I had to do then and there.
“Five days later, we landed in India and made our way into the mountains. It was a remote spot, and I immediately felt the serenity and peace.
“We knocked on the door of the ashram and were shown in. And you won’t believe what happened next. I thought I was in some kind of movie script. Master Sachinanda came to greet me and he said to me, ‘I’ve been waiting for you. You have been guided here by the divine. You are welcome.’ To say I was taken aback is an understatement. I kept looking behind me to see if he was talking to another person, but he only laughed. I will never forget his laugh. It was so lighthearted, yet it could penetrate a brick wall. It seemed to resonate throughout my whole body, waking something up. Then he confirmed, ‘Yes, I mean you, black swan.’”
