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‘I’ll get Fred,’ she says.
The moment she leaves the kitchen, Matt feels the air pressure drop.
Bella strokes his arm. And to her credit, she meets his eye, as so few people do these days. ‘She looks tired. Is she OK?’
He shakes his head. ‘Maybe we shouldn’t go.’
‘Don’t be silly. It’s only next door and I’ll stay with her. It might take her out of herself, you know? Just an hour outside her own head.’
‘Sure. Thanks.’
She gives his arm a last squeeze. Ava is in the hallway, Fred asleep in his papoose. Matt hopes she didn’t hear him talking about her to Bella.
‘Won’t he be too hot?’ he asks. ‘Actually, won’tyoube too hot?’
She is staring, almost glaring, at him. ‘You didn’t think I was going to leave him on the floor, did you?’
‘No, I—’
‘Look at his little fists,’ whispers Bella, her eyes shining. ‘He’s grown so, so much.’
‘He has,’ Ava concedes.
The pause that follows is heavy. The hallway seems too small, suddenly, for the five of them. Fred has done this, without speaking a word. Simply by growing, babies and small children show time passing in a way no calendar can, and as they step out of the door, Matt wonders if Neil and Bella perceive the change in Fred as he and Ava do: a constant and painful reminder of how long it is since they lost their little girl.
Seventeen
Ava
‘Welcome!’ Johnnie Lovegood stands at the door, hands thrown out, dressed from head to toe in black. His shirt has a Nehru collar, his black jeans have a thin red diagonal stripe across the front pocket. I recognise the brand; it was popular, possibly still is, with urban trendies about fifteen years ago. His thick hair, mostly pushed back with some slicking product, apart from one rogue Byronic curl, flicks out from behind his neck in a discreet flourish. The first few flecks of white dapple his carefully shaped beard, and finally, his feet… are bare. The whole effect is one of trying too hard whilst trying to pretend he’s not trying at all. I remember this about him – his expensive-looking charcoal suit worn over a black T-shirt. The silver bangle, which, yes, he is wearing this evening.
‘Come in, come in, lovely people,’ he says, and I let the others go ahead. ‘We have some amazing cocktails lined up for you.’
I hang back while the others shake his hand, while he kisses Bella on both cheeks. Her verbal diarrhoea diminishes, thank God, as she heads further into the house.
‘Here.’ Johnnie gestures towards my rucksack and smiles warmly. ‘Let me take that for you.’
‘Oh, no, it’s just nappies and wipes and stuff. It doesn’t weigh anything.’
‘Well, can I take the baby? Fred, isn’t it?’
‘Ava actually.’
‘No, I meant…’ He catches my flippancy a beat too late. ‘Oh, sorry, you were joking. Let me take him for you, at least for a bit.’
‘It’s fine, thank you.’
‘Seriously, come on. It’s ages since I’ve worn a papoose.’
I can’t quite believe how awkward this all is. Does he seriously expect me to hand over my baby, under any circumstances, let alone after having lost my daughter? Has he forgotten?
‘I’m fine.’ I meet his eyes, unsmiling. He has one blue and one hazel. Like Bowie. God, I bet he loves that.
He throws up his palms and backs away, his expression implying that he’s tried, he really has. Neil was right: the man is immediately irritating. I’m over-critical, I know I am, but dear God, every word, every gesture, every facial tic appears laced with a kind of superciliousness, a fake kindness that is actually about showing what a great guy he is. I remember this from before, from the days following Abi’s disappearance. He might not mean it. It might even be shyness. I used to give people the benefit of the doubt. But even before I hardened to this walnut shell, I remember that his questions somehow implied guilt when they were meant to convey sympathy.
‘And you’re sure you left the front door open? And you were upstairs for ten, twenty minutes, did you say?’
He wouldn’t shut up about the door, made minutes sound like days, as if I wasn’t already quite capable of torturing myself about that all on my own. But his wife had been less tactless. Jen, who is standing now in front of me in their enormous hallway.
