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Gil nodded. “But I think he could do it. Tonight, he and I walked the half mile from town to his home. He stumbled a time or two, but he kept up with me, step for step. He doesn’t think he can do it, though, and I don’t know how to convince him.” He cringed, recalling Joseph’s accusations. “Or how to convince the rest of the family. Joseph said very plainly that Earl wouldn’t be able to march.”
Bernard slowly shook his head, his expression sad. “Jo, your Taunte Dorcas has always protected him. This isn’t a terrible thing. She loves him, and she doesn’t want to see him hurt.But too much protection has convinced him he has a handicap much bigger than it really is.” He shrugged, exaggerating the gesture. “So his toes point in. So he’s a littleojeschekjt.”
Gil chuckled. The Low German word forclumsyalways amused him.
Bernard grinned. “But the boy’s feet and legs are strong. With practice, I think he could do just as well as the other boys. If he marches in the parade, it could be very good for him—and good for his mother, too, to realize he is capable. Maria and I will pray for Earl, that he will try and he will gain courage in the effort.”
“Thank you, Onkel Bernard.” Gil tapped his thumbs together. “There’s something else. Something…more personal.” He glanced at his hands, then settled his gaze on Bernard’s attentive face. “Am I being selfish by directing the boys’ band? By putting the boys in the competition?”
The older man’s eyebrows dipped inward. “I have never thought of you as a selfish person. What makes you ask this?”
Gil gathered his thoughts. “Maybe it was selfish of me to go to New York. I left behind my only remaining family, and I left the ones who could have become my family.” He’d never forget Ava’s tears the night he told her he was going to New York City nor the deep loneliness that plagued him those first months, so far away from everything familiar. “And for what? All this time, I’ve been chasing a dream I’m starting to think I was never meant to catch.”
“Why?”
The simple question wasn’t so simple to answer. “The others who play in or conduct orchestras scoff at my compositions. They poke fun at me, call me a Kansas farmer’s son, and they make it sound like a curse. They”—he gulped—“laugh.”
“Nonsense.” Bernard’s stern response didn’t surprise Gil.He surmised the man would be defensive. “Stop acting like Earl.”
Gil drew back in surprise. “What do you mean?”
“You’re using something as an excuse for not being able to do something else. What difference does it make if you’re from Kansas, born to a farmer? Show me the law that says a Kansas farmer’s son can’t be musically gifted.”
Bernard was missing the point. “There is no such law,” Gil said, “but there is an attitude. I don’t know how to get past it, except to write a composition so lovely and impressive that they can’t deny my ability.”
“If they hold that attitude, no composition you write will change their minds.” Bernard’s tone lost its bite, but it didn’t matter. His words discouraged Gil. “But if they keep you from trying, I will be very disappointed in you. Just as you’ll be disappointed in Earl if he doesn’t at least try to march with the band.”
Gil flopped back and slouched in the chair, letting his arms hang limp. “I’m just so very weary of failing, Onkel Bernard.”
For several minutes, the man remained silent, staring across the room into Gil’s eyes. Then a grin twitched on the corners of his mouth. “Have you ever considered, my boy, that the ones who ridicule you are envious of you?”
Gil snorted.
Bernard shook his finger at him. “It’s possible. In Russia, Maria’s father was a well-known and well-respected violinist. Because of my family’s friendship with hers, I attended many musical performances in which he played. I heard much good music. I saw impressive conducting. So I know good music and direction when I hear and see it.” Bernard pointed at Gil again, but this time Gil didn’t feel reprimanded. “Gil, you have a gift. Even Ava knows it. Do you know what she told hermother? She said she heard the soul of the music when you directed the men.”
Gil’s face heated. He looked aside. “I know. She told me, too.” He would carry her words of affirmation in his heart for the rest of his life.
“Then you shouldn’t doubt you have the ability.”
Gil faced Bernard again, throwing his arms wide. “But what am I supposed to do with it? I’ve been told now by two different people that I’m only using these boys to better myself.”
“Who told you these things?”
Gil should have kept his mouth shut. He didn’t want to share the sources and sound like a gossip, but neither did he want to be disrespectful and refuse to answer. He lowered his head. “Ava and Joseph.”
“Ach, Joseph.” Bernard nearly spat the name. “He is like those men in New York, jealous and foolish. He has always been this way toward you. So take what he says with a grain of salt. Ava, though…why would she say such a thing?”
Gil explained the conversation when Ava asked if he intended to use and then abandon the boys. “Maybe she’s right. Maybe they’re both right. Maybe I am selfish and unfair. Maybe I shouldn’t spend so much time with these boys this summer when I know I’ll be leaving again.”
Bernard’s eyes narrowed to slits. “You know for sure you are leaving again?”
“If I’m to ever be taken seriously in the music world, then I need to be in New York City.” Gil’s throat hurt, as if every word was sandpaper dragged across his tonsils.
“Well, then, let me ask you another question.” Bernard maintained an even tone, no hint of recrimination or disapproval, but Gil’s flesh prickled with apprehension. “If the boyswin first place in McPherson, they must later compete against the first-place winners from other counties, jo?”
“Jo.”
“Will you stay and direct them in that competition, too? And if they win it, will you go with them to Topeka?”
