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“Oh. To be honest, I haven’t paid much attention to the Vikings this year.”
There was a long pause before Bobby spoke again. “You okay, Caz?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“You mean aside from not knowing the Vikings were playing this weekend? I don’t know what’s going on with you, but that’s the biggest red flag in the history of red flags.”
I glanced across the living room. Luke’s door was cracked, and I heard the shower running inside. “Bobby, I think I fucked up.”
“Was Luke August attacked? Do I need to turn the news on?”
“I mean I fucked uppersonally. I got too close to my client.”
“Oh,” he said. “You mean the one thing I warned you never to do?”
“I know. Iknow. I think I may have ruined things with Luke. And it’s killing me.”
“Do you love him? Don’t knee-jerk tell me no. Think about it for a second.”
I did what he asked. I thought about it. And the feeling deep in my heart…
“Maybe?”
I heard Bobby sigh. “I’m sorry, Caz. I know that sucks. Maybe a job in Berlin is just what you need. You definitely won’t fall in love with the female Finance Minister. Unless those lies you tell people about being a lesbian are partly true.”
“Not even a little bit.” I heard the shower stop running. “I’ve got to go. I promise I’ll give you an answer about Berlin soon.”
“I know you will. I just hope you make the best decision foryou. Stay frosty, Caz.”
25
Cazzie
The buzz around town for the AFC Championship game was intense. Their opponent was the Pittsburgh Steelers, a rematch from two years ago. Just driving around, we saw countless fans walking around town in baby blue Stallions jerseys. Banners hung from store windows and apartment balconies. The environment reminded me of Los Angeles when the Lakers won the NBA Finals with LeBron James a few years before.
I accompanied Luke to the stadium four hours before the game. There was already a massive crowd surrounding the stadium, chanting and cheering. The town was ready to earn a trip to a fourth straight Super Bowl, where they would hopefully win their third.
Most of the other players arriving wore headphones as they walked through the entrance underneath the stadium. Luke was one of the few who didn’t. I knew he liked to get inside his own head while preparing for games, and this one was the biggest of his career so far. But when we got close to the locker room, I pulled him aside to speak to him privately.
“Before we part, I just wanted to say good luck. You’ve prepared your whole career for this, Luke. Now go out and prove it to everyone else.”
He smiled. “Thanks, Caz.”
We shared a kiss, and a long embrace, and that could have been it. But I thought about what Bobby had said on the phone, how the Berlin job might be what I needed. I impulsively recoiled at the thought. I wasn’t ready to give up on us just yet. I felt like I was down in the fourth quarter, and needed a Hail Mary to fix things.
I have to open up to him.
“You know I care about you, right?”
He gave me a goofy grin. “Of course.”
“You mean a lot to me,” I went on. “No, wait a minute—that’s not enough. You mean more to me than anyone else in my life. Even more than Bobby Jordan, my buddy who came up through Basic with me and is now my boss. You certainly mean more to me than any client I’ve ever been assigned to.” I reached up and cupped his cheek. “You’re more than just a football player.So much more. You could quit the team tomorrow and you would still be the same incredible man, the man I…”
Love. The word was right there, an overwhelming glow in my heart as I gazed up at Luke. He frowned at me, waiting for more, but I hesitated. I was afraid to say it. It had taken metwo yearsto say it to my ex, and Luke and I had only been in a relationship for a few months. Every nerve in my body was insisting that I hold back and hide behind the walls that I always put up.
No,I told myself.I won’t do that. Not when I know I feel this way.
“…the man I love,” I exhaled.
