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Sending a message to the office to say that he would be working from home, Alex sat at his desk and forced himself to concentrate. He ignored the beauty of the sunrise outside his window. He ignored every intruding thought of her. Even though he knew ignoring everything around him wasn’t going to fix the gnawing void within.
No music played this morning. When he was younger, music had filled the stifling silence. Being an only child, with no mother and a father lost to his grief, had made for a silent childhood. Emma had said it sounded lonely. She had no idea. Music had made the space feel less empty, and as he’d matured he had grown so used to it that it had become one of those things he didn’t think about. Just the norm.
Now he couldn’t bear the thought of it. Any music would just set his teeth on edge.
For a few hours he worked through the list of tasks he had set for himself, but the ringing of the phone on his laptop brought that to a halt. He accepted the call, and Matt’s concerned face filled his screen.
‘Are you okay?’ Matt asked.
‘How did you...?’
‘Hannah just told me. What happened, mate?’
And Alex told him the edited version of events.
‘Alex, I could punch you right now.’
‘I know I hurt her,’ Alex said.
‘You didn’t just hurt her, mate. When are you going to see that you’re punishing yourself for a mistake that wasn’t even yours? You know you love her. I saw it. I’m sure everyone else did too!’
Alex saw Matt look away, his eyes unfocussed, as if he was deep in thought. ‘You keep saying that you can’t change, but you’re lying to yourself.’
‘I’m not ready for that, Matt.’
‘That’s another lie. You’re gutted, mate. It’s not too late. You can fix this.’
‘I don’t think I can,’ Alex said, propping his elbows on the table and running his hands over his face.
‘I’ve known you for ever, Alex. I don’t believe that for a second. You deserve to be happy, mate.’
Alex appreciated the words. He just didn’t know if he could believe them just yet.
Matt ended the call and Alex stared at the ceiling, wondering if he’d done the right thing.
By the time the evening came round, he felt more like a shell than ever. He poured a measure of whisky into a cut-glass tumbler and sought the sanctuary of his library. Yes, it would remind him of Emma, but it was also the room with the best distractions.
When Alex entered the room, he knew exactly which book he wanted, but the one on the table was what caught his eye. It was Emma’s favourite. His favourite. He picked it up and lifted the cover. Her bookmark fell out.
Snapping it shut, he raised his arm to hurl it across the room, but couldn’t. Instead, he sank into a plush chair and started reading.
He felt as if his heart was tearing itself apart and then stitching itself together and tearing apart again, like some sort of Promethean torment. And he felt as if he deserved an eternity of it.
Lucky sat at Emma’s bedroom door and, as usual, she picked him up and took him to her bed, where he curled up on the pillow next to hers. Emma was restless. Her family were silent. The person she wanted was an impossibility. Hannah was working late. There was only one person she could call.
The phone rang for an age before her mother answered. ‘Emma?’
‘Hey, Mom,’ she greeted her as she climbed under the covers.
‘How are you, sweetheart?’
‘I’m okay,’ she said tiredly.
Emma wanted to tell her mother everything. She wanted her to come over and hug her and tell her it would be okay. That she was wrong and would love again.
‘Darling, is this important? I’d love to chat, but Maddie is here,’ her mother said.
Pure mirthless laughter bubbled up in Emma’s throat. She choked it down. Why had she thought she would find solace in her parent? She wasn’t Maddie or Lauren. Her mother might have tried to defend her to her father, but that didn’t seem to mean all that much. Alex had been right about one thing: she didn’t need them.
