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Chapter Six
As much asI enjoy seeing my friends, they’re also a reminder of why I left here in the first place. Of why I didn’t want to come back. Of the mistakes I made in the short time I knew them.
Every memory I made with them, Sam was a part of it.
She was the center of our circle. The sun of our universe. She’s the one that brought us together.
She knew Mia from school. They were friends long before the rest of us were even in the picture. According to Sam, they were close when they were little, grew apart and ran in different circles for a little while, but found their way back to each other toward the end of high school.
Sam met Spencer on campus her freshman year in English Lit. She sat next to him the first day and the rest is history. Spence was a sophomore who had failed the class once and was hoping not to have to take it a third time. He cozied up to Sam so she would tutor him. She reluctantly agreed, and by the time the semester was over, they’d started hanging out a little bit, only as friends according to them. I’ve heard there’s more to the story but none of them would talk about it because she introduced him to Mia and he introduced her to Jay who was Spencer’s roommate at the time.
Sam says sparks flew right away between her and Jay; Spencer says Jay wasn’t interested in her. He thought she was loud and obnoxious. The exact opposite of who Jay is. Yet, she managed to weasel her way into his heart, and within a few weeks, they went on their first date. Valentine’s Day.
I came into the picture two months later when I applied for a job at Riley’s Pub where I met Sam. The week after we met, I was moving into my new place where I met Jay. Well, I didn’t exactly meet him. I fell into his arms and in love with him in the same moment. There were sparks, an instant connection between us. Neither of us knew we were already connected, through Sam. We’d find that out a few days later.
Over the next two years, the five of us were practically inseparable. Spencer tried to hook me up with their other friends, but I always declined, making the lame excuse that I wasn’t interested in dating until after I graduated. In my defense, I was busy. Between work, school and studying, I barely had time to wash my hair let alone go on a real date. If I’d met the right guy, though, I feel like I would have made time.
It’s the same reason I use now when friends try and set me up.
However, the real reason has been the same this whole time.
I wanted Jay. No one else. I wanted to be with him so much I could taste the jealousy whenever he and Sam were around. A feeling that only intensified the more time that passed. Which is why I started to pull away from everyone after New Year’s Eve. It was my last semester of college and I needed to focus. I couldn’t hang out every weekend until the wee hours of the morning. I couldn’t go on Sam’s spur-of-the-moment adventures during the week when Sam had a rare night off from both Riley’s and the Java Bean.
Nope. I practically locked myself away in my apartment when I wasn’t in class or at work. I studied my ass off and admired Jay from afar in the hopes that my feelings for him would disappear.
The opposite happened. Absence made my heart yearn for him. He was all I could think about. Any time I did catch sight of him I felt the ache in my chest. Especially since the only time I saw him was when he’d come to Riley’s to see Sam.
His girlfriend.
My best friend.
I stayed away for three long months. Not that I didn’t see my friends, I just made it a point to hang out with them separately. I’d see Mia when she did my hair. Sam at work or when she’d come to my place to study. We’d have girls’ lunch on occasion or go shopping.
I made it a point to limit the time I spent with Spencer and Jay. I’d see them around campus and at the gym, making sure to never be left alone with Jay. If Spencer wasn’t around, I ‘would bolt in the opposite direction, avoiding Jay all together.
When Sam begged me to come to a party for Spencer’s birthday two nights before I was leaving for spring break, I couldn’t come up with an excuse quick enough to turn her down. She’d been complaining that something was going on with Jay for months. She thought he was pulling away and was afraid he was going to break up with her. She needed me there for moral support.
My heart pounded in my chest as she went into detail. I wanted to support her, to be her shoulder to cry on, but my mind kept drifting to Jay. Wondering if this was the end for them. If I was going to finally get my chance.
It wasn’t until she professed her love for him that I was able to pull my head out of my ass and focus on my friend. She was in pain and she needed to be my primary concern. Not my lust for the man who was breaking her heart. Because even if he was about to break up with her, I couldn’t be with him. The line in the sand had been drawn years ago and I wasn’t about to risk my friendship with Sam for a chance with Jay. Especially when I was graduating in less than two months.
The first thing I noticed that night was the difference in his stance. He was clearly on edge. Agitated. Instead of being around Sam most of the night, he seemed to avoid her. When she tried to wrap her arms around him and snuggle, he found a way to wiggle out of her arms and mingle with other people. Across the room.
And his eyes were on me all night.
When Sam climbed on top of the ping pong table to dance, turning up the music to a deafening level, he only shook his head and walked out of the room. The table leg gave out as she was climbing down, Sam sliding onto her ass on the floor with a thump. Spencer was there to help her up when it should have been Jay.
Sam was right. He was distancing himself. The more he did, the more she drank. The more she drank, the less control she had over her inhibitions which lead to a fight of epic proportions in the middle of the party. Sam was yelling and Jay was attempting to calm her down, but she was beyond reasoning with. She ended up storming off to Jay’s room while he brushed it off and went back to playing beer pong with Spencer after propping the table up as a temporary fix.
I went to check on Sam, giving her time to cool off first, only to find her passed out in Jay’s bed. She looked angry even in her sleep. Her mouth was pursed, and her hands were clenched next to the pillow. I studied her for a few minutes, before whispering an apology to her and begging for her forgiveness. For wanting her boyfriend. For potentially being the reason he was acting differently.
“You didn’t do anything wrong. Why are you apologizing to her?” Jay asked as I closed his bedroom door behind me.
“Kissing you wasn’t right,” I state firmly, unable to turn around and face him.
We haven’t talked since New Year’s Eve. I’ve been avoiding him at every turn so I didn’t have to have this conversation with him. It happened. It wasn’t going to happen again. It was hard enough to look at my best friend without crumbling under the guilt that had taken up residence in my chest.
“If memory serves me right, I kissed you, and nothing about it felt wrong.”
