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Today is a good day to remember what it feels like to be alive. To live. A reminder that even though we’ve lost someone we love, that the pain we feel over that loss is real, we’re still here.
Spencer and Mia join us at the front of the crowd. Before handing over the microphone, Spencer goes over the route with everyone.
Three laps around the central part of town basically. Follow the park north along Main street, turn east onto First and follow it down to State. Take State Street south to Second and then head west back to Main Street.
We’ll be running past both Summer’s house as well as the Hideaway. We’ll cover three sides of the park; the one remaining side is where Sam’s body was found. I haven’t stepped foot in the park since she was found. I never planned to again, but today that has to change. After the race is over, we’ve been instructed to head to the center of the park for the fountain dedication.
The city had a small memorial fountain placed near where Sam’s body was found. The weight of that reality slams into me as I hear someone blow a horn, signifying the start of the race. The crowd moves forward, spreading out once we’re on the main road. Jay’s long legs set the pace for the four of us but it’s not long before Mia and I fall back. With an eight-inch height advantage, I was taking two strides for every one of his, both my lungs and legs burning by the time we made the turn onto State Street.
“Want to slow down?” Mia asks as we approach the parking lot of Riley’s, marking the end of the first of our three laps.
“Yes, please,” I say, slowing my strides until I’m briskly walking.
There are volunteers handing out cups of water to the racers and I take two, stopping to down them both before continuing on.
“How are you holding up this morning?” she asks, falling back in step with me.
“I’m doing okay. I know what today is, but for some reason it hasn’t hit me as hard as it has the last few years.”
“That’s because you’re back here with us.”
“You’d think that’d make it harder. Being here. Remembering her. Celebrating her. All I’ve done is think about her for the last two days. I’ve read through that file more times than I care to count and studied pictures of her dead body. I think I’m numb to it at this point. All of it. The pain, the violence.”
“I think you’re finally accepting it. Think about it. The last few years were hard because you didn’t want to come to terms with what happened. You tried to ignore it. That’s why you thought it would be harder to be here on the anniversary but now you’re surrounded by people that loved her. People who love you.”
Mia makes a valid point. The last four years, when this date would begin to creep up, I’ve shut down emotionally. I’ve pushed people away, hid in my apartment, and cried over the loss of my best friend. Have I dealt with her death? Not really. I haven’t had any support in healing either.
As crazy as I thought this idea was, perhaps coming back here was a good thing. Maybe it will help me move on.
“Jay loves you,” I hear Mia say as we pass Summer’s house.
I avoided looking in the general direction the first lap. My lungs were burning, my chest already tight. I wasn’t about to add any more stress to my body.
Wait. What?
Mia’s words slam into me as I stutter, “Um, wh-what are you t-talking about?”
“Jay. Loves. You.” Her words are pointed as she pulls us to a stop in the middle of the road, runners swerving to avoid crashing into us.
“Mia, it’s not like that. We’re just friends, that’s all we’ve ever been.” Lies. All lies. And I don’t even know why I’m saying them. Even I don’t believe the words coming out of my mouth.
“Friends?” she asks with a laugh. “I don’t have many friends that hold me the way he holds you. Whose eyes darken with lust when I walk in the room. Whose words speak to my heart in a way that only I understand. No, the only person that feels that way about me is Spencer.”
I’m at a loss for words, my mouth hanging slightly ajar, as I catch sight of Spence and Jay approaching behind us. They’re deep in conversation, Spencer’s hands moving animatedly while Jay shakes his head.
“I bet they’re having the same conversation we are. Jay refuses to admit that he loves you. That he’s always loved you. We saw it back then and we see it now.”
“What do you mean back then?” I ask, turning my back to Mia and willing my legs to move. They cooperate long enough to get a few paces in front of her, but she catches up easily, my body exhausted from the distance we’ve already put in.
“New Year’s Eve ring a bell?”
Our first kiss.
The night I betrayed my best friend and swore I would never do it again. I tried my best, separated myself, only I failed.
When I don’t answer, she continues, “We all saw it. The change in you. The change in him. We knew something happened between you two. You grew distant and so did he. He locked himself in his room and took computers apart most of the time. He never wanted to hang out. Made excuses for why he couldn’t spend time with anyone, including Sam.
“She saw it, you know, but not through our eyes. She was convinced she messed up. She blamed herself. Thought he wanted to break up with her because he was pushing her away. The only time we saw him after that was when you were around. His eyes would light up. He was a completely different person. Spence and I weren’t surprised. We’d always known he held a candle for you but never thought he’d act on it.”
“He didn’t hold a candle for me. That’s such a stupid saying,” I retort as we pass the volunteers with water, marking the start of our final lap. Jay and Spencer are standing only a few feet away, talking with Summer, already finished with their final lap.
“He told Spencer about you before he knew who you were.”
