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A new year, a new chance. The slate’s been wiped clean. Make the most of it, Beauty Queen.
I remember laughing at him because he rhymed and called me Beauty Queen. He was fairly drunk when they left but Mia was coherent. Her words didn’t have the impact Spencer’s seemed to.
It’s time to start living and stop hiding, Andi.
Looking back now, they should have. Her message was perfectly clear. They all knew what we were hiding. We weren’t fooling anyone, except ourselves. Which means Sam probably knew and never said anything.
“They all knew, didn’t they?” I ask, turning my head so I can look in his eyes as he answers.
“I think so.”
“Even Sam?”
Jay flinches but his smile never wavers. “If she did, she was in denial as much as we were. Sam loved me and I loved her,” he continues, his stare penetrating me as he speaks. The jealousy I expect to feel never surfaces. “She was a fighter and wasn’t ready to give up on us even though I think we both knew we weren’t meant to last. We didn’t talk about our future. Not once in the two years we were together.”
“Why wouldn’t she say something? Why wouldn’t she confront us? It’s not like she was afraid of confrontation.” If anything, Sam was less filtered than any of us. She spoke her mind. You never had to guess what she was thinking or how she felt. Which makes me wonder why, if she knew there was something more between Jay and I, she never mentioned it. To anyone.
“I think she was afraid to be alone. We were all getting ready to graduate, to leave town, and she had one more year of school. If she thought she was going to lose you in a few months anyway, she would have wanted to cherish the time she had left with you.”
“And you,” I quickly add, averting my eyes and focusing on the mess that is my suitcase. Clothes are hanging over the edge. There are a few random pieces strewn around the room from where Jay’s tossed them in his haste to get me naked. “Why would she hold onto you?”
“I don’t know. Maybe it was her way of holding on to all of us. If she let me go, I would have run to you. It was either lose us both or keep silent and things don’t change.”
Little memories flash through my mind. Things that seemed insignificant at the time but now are like blinking neon signs.
“The camping trip,” I whisper.
“The summer before senior year? What about it?”
“She didn’t want to go. She was trying to get out of it.”
“And?” he asks, not following my train of thought.
“She pushed me to go and tried to back out at the last second. It would have been me and you and Spencer and Mia. Instead of having a fifth wheel, it would have been two pairs. If I hadn’t forced Sam to go …” I let my voice trail off.
“She was setting us up. She wanted to see what would happen if we were left alone, without her around.”
“Yeah. She tried to back out of the weekend we spent at the lake that summer, too. And our trip to Nashville.”
The argument I had with Sam the night before we left for Nashville is suddenly fresh in my mind.
“Just go without me. I’m not really feeling it.”
“It was your idea,” I practically scream as I zip up my overnight bag.
“I hate the city. I don’t know what I was thinking.” She’s avoiding eye contact, fingering the pages of the latest romance novel I picked up at the bookstore that afternoon.
“If you’re not going, I’m not either. I only agreed because you insisted I come with you guys. I’m the odd man out as it is.”
“If I’m not there you won’t be.”
“If you’re not there, I have no reason to go. Don’t get me wrong, I love our friends, but you’re the only reason I know them. You’re the glue, Sam. My sister from another mister. Ifyou’re not feeling this trip, fine. I’ll stay here with you. We’ll binge watchGilmore Girlsfrom the beginning and eat junk food all weekend.”
It’s more of a trick than anything. Sam is the only person I’ve ever met that isn’t a fan ofGilmore Girls. Being from a small town, the show doesn’t appeal to her, I guess.
Sam smiles but it doesn’t reach her eyes. I can tell she’s not happy about going but she’s relenting so I don’t give it a second thought. “Fine. We can go.”
Vivid images of Jay trying on cowboy hats brings a smile to my face. He notices, turns me in his arms, and gently presses hip lips to mine.
