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Chapter Twenty
When I leftLA four days ago, dread consumed me. I didn’t want to be here. I was afraid to come back. Knowing the agony I felt five years ago would be all-consuming it was the last thing I wanted to do. Yet, I forced myself to get on the plane.
In my heart, I knew it was necessary. Not only that, but I didn’t want to let Spencer down. He said he needed me here so I came.
My goal was to ignore the pain and head back home as soon as possible.
Home now has a new meaning. Home is not the place you lay your head at night, it’s a feeling.
Great Falls was once my home. The people here welcomed me into their lives. My friends became my family and we navigated this crazy ride called life. Together.
As I stare at my partially packed suitcase while Jay showers, a new sense of dread is coursing through my veins.
I’m heading back to an empty apartment. No one will be there to greet me. No one to hold me at night or watch a movie with me. No one to wipe away my tears when I’m overcome with emotion.
I’ve always thought LA was where I was meant to be, but life has taken on new meaning the last few days. Not just because of Jay, either.
My heart has closure.
I’ve accepted Sam’s death.
More importantly, I’ve accepted the fact that I wasn’t the cause of it.
Yes, I should have made my flight that morning. Yes, I should have been working that night instead of her.
At the end of the day, I screwed up, but I wasn’t the one who killed her. I wasn’t the reason she never made it home that night. I was only the reason she was in the park to begin with.
And I’m not the only one who made it possible for her to be in that park.
Spencer could have picked her up. Jay could have come back to town and driven her home.
We all had our reasons for not being here, for not stepping up. None of us are responsible for what happened, though.
I imagine the guilt won’t dissipate any time soon. I’ll always wonder what would have happened if she hadn’t worked my shift but I’m no longer blaming myself.
Sam wouldn’t want me to.
She’d want me to find a way to go one. To live life with a smile on my face, seeking my next adventure. She’d want my heart filled with love, not regret.
So, I will. I’ll live for Sam. For the life she was cheated out of.
“You’re so beautiful when you smile.” Jay’s words warm my heart as he wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me against his firm, damp chest. I don’t care he’s getting my blouse wet, or that I’m thinking about Sam. All I care about is the way I feel when I’m in his arms.
This is home.
The very definition of what it should feel like.
Warm. Welcoming. Loved.
Home is a feeling, not a place.
I repeat the phrase over and over again because home is where your heart is. And my heart belongs to Jay.
“You need to get dressed so we can head to the station,” I state, turning in his arms and placing a chaste kiss over his heart. “We’re going to be late.”
“What if I’m not ready to leave you yet?”
“You’re not leaving me,” I say, taking a step back … only for him to pull me in tighter and clasp his hands behind my back.
