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Chapter Two
One step at a time.
That’s what I kept telling myself this morning while I finished packing, shoving the bare essentials in my suitcase as it taunted me. Those same words were on repeat as I mindlessly drove to my only scheduled interview of the day where I took subpar notes that I’ll more than likely have to review more than once when I get back. And they were still my focus as my assistant drove me to the airport.
When she asked me what was in Tennessee, I couldn’t come up with a plausible lie, so I spilled the entire story. From starting college, falling for a man who wasn’t mine, and finally, Sam’s death and the significance of this weekend. Not a single tear fell the entire time I spoke. I kept my emotions on lockdown.
Pushed the tears away.
Forced myself to remain numb to the pain that was etched on my heart.
After Spencer’s call, the full weight of this weekend slapped me across the face. My emotions made me feel like I was standing on the ledge, ready to fall to my death at any given moment, but I vowed I wasn’t going to cry. I would make good on my promise—return to Great Falls, go through the motions, and allow myself to fall apart as soon as I was home. In the safety of my own apartment. Behind closed doors. Where no one could see me.
But this weekend? I was going to be strong. I was going to guard my heart and remain emotionless. If I allowed myself to feel, I feared I would shatter into pieces and never be able to put myself back together again.
It took me years to reach a point where I didn’t dream about that morning. About the phone call that changed everything or the guilt I still carry with me over the events leading up to Sam’s death.
The plane ride was a blur. Four hours of pushing away the memories that were trying to assault me. Keeping the fear at bay of reuniting with my friends. Facing them after running without saying good-bye.
But most of the memories were of Sam. Of her contagious smile. The way she used to twist the colorful ends of her hair around her finger while she talked about something that excited her. Or anything really because life was an adventure in her eyes.
There were other moments that kept trying to invade my thoughts, though. Holidays and birthdays. Parties, sleepovers, and camping. The first time I met Spencer. Moving into my apartment across the parking lot from him and Jay.
Jay.
His name alone causes my heart to race. The very thought of seeing him again makes my body hum with anticipation and dread. It’s been five years, yet I still remember the way it felt to be held in his arms. The way his mouth would curve into a smile against my lips right before he kissed me.
Spencer said I was the last to agree. That everyone was going to be there this weekend.
We were going to do this together.
Will Jay be there?I can only assume, but now I’m wishing I had asked Spencer directly.
The urge to run away again is overwhelming. Not just from the events of the upcoming weekend, but from the reminder of the weeks and months leading up to Sam’s death, from Jay and the butterflies that only make their presence known when I think of him. When I dream of him.
I can only imagine the flutter I’ll feel if I see him again. Hurricane force winds.
If I was going to turn around and head home with my tail tucked between my legs, I should have done it before now. My friends are expecting me to be there for them tomorrow morning. It’s a little late to change my mind. Especially with the city limit sign taunting me.
Welcome to Great Falls!
A small town with a rich history.
When I spot it in the distance my hands begin to shake, my grip on the steering wheel tightening as I force myself to pull over. Another five hundred feet and I’ll be in the place where my life fell apart. I’ve come this far, there’s no turning back now. I know this, yet I can’t seem to shift my rental car into drive. Or get the shaking to stop. Focus on anything except what lies ahead of me.
Lies.
Guilt.
Death.
The aftermath.
A celebration of the life that was taken.
I’ve spent the last three days dreading this moment. Contemplating canceling but unable to make the call knowing I ‘would let Spencer down. And Mia. And Summer. Everyone. I’d like to think I’m not afraid of much considering what I do for a living, yet a small town in the middle of nowhere Tennessee scares the crap out of me.
Once I cross the invisible line in front of me, I know it’s all going to come back full force. The first time I visited here. How excited I was to finally be on my own, in college, far away from the hustle and bustle of Los Angeles. Away from my parents and their upturned noses.
