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Willow
It’s beentwo days since I’ve seen Finn. Not that I haven’t had the chance. If I’m being honest with myself, I’ve been avoiding him. I don’t even know why.
I want to be with him. There’s no doubt in my mind.
Still, me being elusive doesn’t stop him from texting me every day.
I’m shoving a Twix bar in mouth, fighting the urge to ask him to come over, when my phone chimes. My heart skips a beat imagining that it’s Finn. Did he know I was thinking about him?
MAX: Hey, haven’t talked to you in a few days. Wanted to check in. You doing okay?
ME: Yeah, fine. How are you?
MAX: Okay. Got a little drunk last night with the guys, might have broken down in the bathroom, but I’ll deny it if you say anything. Otherwise, I’m okay.
ME: You know, I’m always here if you wanna talk. Dad would want us to keep moving forward. In fact, I think he’d be pissed if we wallowed anymore.
I give Max a shortened version of what I said to Evie. She’s younger, more emotional. Max doesn’t need me to tiptoe around his feelings.
MAX: Are you listening to your own advice?
ME: Trying. I know it’s not easy, but I’m taking it one day at a time. It’s all we can do.
God, why do I sound so insightful. He’s normally the one giving me advice. Pushing me through the darkness. Now, here I am, in the midst of the hardest situation we’ve had to deal with, standing strong. And I feel strong.
Death is hard. You always wish you had saidI love youone more time. Spent more time together. Given them a longer hug or made more of an effort to call even if you were busy.
I’m lucky because those are not things I’m worried about. My relationship with my dad was amazing. Our bond was strong. I know he loved me. He didn’t have to call me every day just to reinforce that. We spent as much time together as our crazy lives allowed.
Am I devastated he’s not here anymore to talk to? To ask advice. To wrap me in a hug when I’m on the verge of a breakdown or panic attack?
Of course.
But if I allow myself to dwell on it instead of rise above the pain, he would be pissed at me.
I know this because my father was not only Max’s hero but also mine, and I was his mini-me. Yes, Max looked more like him, their voice has the same timbre, and their look of disapproval is scarily similar, but I was the one who grew up wanting to be just like my dad. Family man—or in my case, woman—and successful lawyer.
After I turned sixteen, he let me work in his law office a few days a week that summer, filing paperwork, answering phones. He allowed me to help him research from time to time, teaching me how to use the thick law books he kept on the bookshelves in his office. And when he was preparing for court, I was his jury. He practiced his opening remarks and asked me to give him a verdict based on how he presented the case.
One day, I’d love nothing more than to have the same kind of relationship with a child of my own. That summer brought us closer together. The hours were long, the tedious work I was allowed to do boring, but we ate lunch together every day I was there. It’s time I’ll always cherish. Something that was just between us.
MAX: Want to come over for dinner tonight? Finn says he’s making a huge spread and that we need to invite people. Brady and Julian will be here, I think.
He is, is he? How convenient.
ME: Can I bring Kendall?
MAX: Do you have to?
ME: I don’t get why you don’t like her. She’s always been nice to you. Hell, she tiptoes around you because even she can tell you don’t like her.
MAX: I don’t dislike her she’s just loud. And when she drinks, which she normally does when she’s here, she’s even louder.
ME: Please.
MAX: Bring whoever you want. I know you normally study with your friends on Sundays, but I wasn’t sure what you had planned since you’re not taking summer classes.
Well, I was until I decided to drop them at the last minute. The last thing I wanted to worry about were my grades right now. I wasn’t sure how much my grief would consume me, and with summer classes being intense, I quickly withdrew.
