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“You mean motivational,” I correct as I place her baskets at my feet so I can open the door. “Let’s just say you’ll be rewarded for your correct answers.”
“Do I get to pick my prize?” she teases, picking up a basket and walking past me as I kick the door open.
“My game. My rules. I pick the prize.”
“What if I don’t want to play?” she counters, toeing off her shoes and heading straight for my bedroom before I can protest.
“I won’t force you to play,” I start, rushing to catch up with her, “but I think you’ll like the game. And I know you’re curious.”
Stepping inside of my room, I find Lex with her back to me, staring at my unmade bed. The tension in her shoulders has me worried. I drop the basket to the floor and move to stand behind her, cautiously wrapping my arms around her waist and pulling her in close.
“What’s really wrong?” When she doesn’t answer, I squeeze her once before forcing her to turn in my arms and face me. I find freshly shed tears streaming down her face when I tilt her chin up, a dull ache forming in my chest. “Oh my God, Lex. What is it?”
Leaving not a breath of space between us, I hold Lex’s body against mine as I rub my hand up and down her back.
“It’s going to be okay.”
I repeat the phrase over and over again until her body relaxes in my arms. It’s a clear sign she’s calmed down but I’m still amped up. My experience with women is limited to the bedroom. Sexual positions. What to whisper in their ear to get what I want. How to elicit moans and orgasms.
When it comes to emotions, I’ve always run the other direction. As fast as I possibly could. I’d be gone before the girl had a chance to share her feelings with me. Before the first tear had a chance to escape.
It was strategic.
If I didn’t give them a chance to share, I didn’t have to pretend to care.
It’s how I’ve been able to keep my distance. To keep from getting hurt. To keep from causing them any unnecessary pain.
My relationship stance has always been made clear up front.
No strings attached.
So why am I suddenly the one holding on to the threads of this relationship?
Why am I looking further into the future than Lex is?
Why does it feel like she’s about to slip through my fingers and leave me broken beyond repair?
So, no, I’m not ready to pull away from her and find out what’s going on because I’m scared as hell. Of losing her but also of keeping her. Of becoming the person I’ve tried really hard to avoid being since I started college.
Someone’s shoulder to lean on.
A person who holds significance in someone else’s life. In their heart.
The boyfriend.
Is this what I want?
Yes and no.
I know I don’t want to let Lex go. I don’t want to lose her. That has to count for something.
She’s the first woman to ever make me want to slow down, to forget my bachelor ways. I haven’t thought about another woman since she climbed into the back of Declan’s truck. She’s all that’s been on my mind... day and night.
“I don’t know if I can tell you, but I want to try,” Lex finally says, breaking the tense silence that started to grow between us.
Or maybe that was all in my head because I was on the verge of a panic attack. Afraid I will screw up this conversation. Afraid I won’t.
Fuck!
