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Hell, I barely remember more about them than their first names. I didn’t ask personal questions.
Unless asking if they have a condom is considered personal.
Piper always said my ways were going to bite me in the ass one day.
“I don’t get it,Lex. You’re beautiful, smart, a great catch. Why would they agree to just one night? Why would you?”
We’ve been living together for a few weeks now. Piper is the closest thing I have to a sister, and I love her to pieces. I don’t want to explain to her why I refuse to have a relationship. Or why one-night stands are all I can handle. But I also feel like she deserves the truth. And if there’s anyone that I can make understand, anyone I trust with my truth, it’s her.
She’s ten times smarter than I am. Damn near a certified genius. But she’s not just book smart like some people. She’s street smart as well. She can hold a conversation with almost anyone. Makes friends without trying.
Everyone loves Piper.
Especially guys. But like me, she doesn’t pay them any attention. She’s still getting over her high school boyfriend.
“I just don’t. Why is this a big deal?” I ask, avoiding eye contact as she stares me down.
“It’s a big deal because I can tell you don’t want to talk about it. The only time you’ve ever avoided talking about something was when Lo brought up your parents last week. Which seemed like a big deal, which in turn makes this a big deal.”
Damn her for being so fucking perceptive. If only my reasons for avoiding relationships were as simple as hers.
“I don’t want to get distracted, and that’s exactly what college guys are. Big ‘ole distractions. With their inflated egos and party mentality. Plus, all I need from them is sex. Why open my heart up when all they’ll do is trample on it at some point in time?”
The lift of her brow tells me she’s not buying my logic for a second. So, I try a different approach.
“Think of it like an experiment in sex education. I learn what I like, what I want. If they get me off without me having to tell them how, the experiment is a success. If not, why would I want to go at it again? So far, they’ve all needed directions which has been sadly disappointing.”
Piper cracks a smile, but it only lasts a brief second before she’s back to playing big sister. I want to complain but I secretly love it. I love that I have someone who cares about me. About my well-being.
“I think there’s more to your story but I’m not going to push you to tell me the real reason until you’re ready. I’ve heard you screaming at night, Lex. I know those dreams are what haunt you, and probably the reason you refuse to give any man a chance. When you’re ready to tell me everything, I’ll be here.”
I’m about to thank her for understanding when she cuts me off, her words less caring and more serious than they have been during her interrogation tonight.
“What I will say is this. One day, a man is going to come along and force you to open your eyes. To change your ways. You’ll think you have the situation under control. You may even think you’ll be able to walk away from him without feeling the loss. When that day happens, I’ll be here to tell you I told you so, but I’ll also volunteer to be your shoulder to cry on. You’ll need both the comfort of a friend and someone who won’t bullshit you. It’ll be the only way you survive what you feel in that moment.”
Today must be that day.
Where the hell is Piper when I need her?
“She’s at the dorms, waiting for you to come back,” I hear Micah say, his voice reminding me how close he is.
“I didn’t mean to say that out loud,” I confess. The alternative was to say hello. Turn and face him. To tell him it’s over.
Something I know I won’t be able to do in person. I’m a chicken shit. I’ve been meaning to text him all week and haven’t been able to press send. I’ve typed out the words multiple times only to erase them and silence my phone.
“Tell me something real, Lex.”
“Something real?” I ask, echoing his words.
“Yes. Tell me how you feel right now. What’s going on in your head. It’s only you and me down here. Tell me whatever you want as long as it’s the truth.”
He wants the truth, but I don’t know what it is.
Do I tell him we’re over? That doesn’t feel like the truth at all. It feels like a giant lie I’m trying to convince myself of.
Do I tell him I’m scared? That’s partially true. I’m scared of the way I feel about him. Of getting hurt. Of not graduating. I’m scared I’m not the person he thinks I am. That he won’t really want me when he gets to know the real me.
Or do I tell him that I’m living in my own personal hell right now and I don’t know how to climb from the depths? That opening up to him caused me pain?
