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10
A New Beginning
Adam'squiet for a few minutes as he lets everything sink in. Every now and then, he'll take a sip of his wine, and I watch as his Adam's apple bobs when he swallows.
Damn. I wish I could have a glass right now. So badly.
"Can I ask you another question?"
His voice cuts through the silence with a knife and startles me.
"Anything."
"Do you still love him?"
"Who? Liam? No. After everything we went through, we drifted apart. Further with every day that passed. I haven't spoken to him since shortly after I moved out, and I've never had the urge to contact him. He's part of my past, and that's where I'd like him to stay."
"Why didn't you tell me sooner? I told you about Sawyer…"
His voice trails off, a clear sign he's not sure what else to say. He's broken. I can't blame him. If the situation were reversed, I'd feel hurt and betrayed as well.
When you love someone, you can't be afraid to share yourself with them. All of you. The good and the bad.
I was afraid. I'll admit it.
There are some things that are hard to share. For me, this is one of those things. It's a painful memory that I was hoping I'd never have to relive by telling Adam. Deep down inside, I knew no matter how much I hoped and prayed, I'd have to eventually share this with him.
I should have told him sooner.
Should have been honest with him from the moment we confessed our love for each other.
Realizing my mistake and owning it will only get me so far. It's what I do from this moment on that will determine our fate.
"When you told me about Sawyer, it broke me a little. It also scared me that you'd never love me as much as you loved her. That you'd never move past what you two had even though you said you already had. When you lose someone, whether it be sudden or after they've lived a long, fulfilling life, it changes you. Losing my child changed me. Losing Sawyer changed you."
"What about losing Liam?"
Closing my eyes, I search my mind for a good memory of us. A time when we were happy before all the pain and sadness took over our lives.
All I'm met with is darkness.
When I open my eyes, Adam is studying my face.
"When I look back on the years we spent together, I can't seem to remember the good. Not because I don't try. I know I loved him once. I should have plenty of memories that stick out, but everything is clouded by tragedy. You have to remember, I lost my father while we were together and then we lost the baby. Those are the things that stick out to me. The pain. The sorrow. The loss. It's hard to remember the good when so much bad happened.
"So, yeah. Losing him changed me too. It taught me how to guard my heart. When it came to finding love, I was cold and unfeeling. I preferred solitude over companionship for years. Maybe I knew better things were on the horizon if I was patient, or maybe I needed that time for me to heal. Whatever the case, the first time we met, I let it all go. The walls I'd built crumbled and the ice around my heart melted."
Without a word, Adam leaves the room.
Resting my head in my hands, I hear his footsteps when he comes back in, but I don't look up. I'm afraid to face him. When he told me about Sawyer, he made me promise not to feel bad for him. He didn't want my pity. In a way, I feel the same.
I don't need him to feel sorry for me. What happened is over. I've dealt with it (sort of) to the best of my abilities. I've taken baby steps to get where I am today, and although there's still a long road ahead, at least I was on the right path.
Adam is a big part of that.
Meeting him, falling in love, feeling his love, it's all been a component of my healing process. The ability to move on, willingly, is huge. You can't force yourself to get past something like this. It takes time and help. Help I never asked for before. I hid behind my work and focused my attention on helping others, like Chloe, in order to avoid my own pain and suffering.
As scared as I was to tell him, it feels freeing. His reaction, or lack thereof, still has me on edge, but I know at this point, I've done all I can to make things right between us. No more secrets. No hiding from my past.
