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13
Do. Not. Engage
Life iswhat you make of it.
You can choose to be miserable, choose to live with regret, or you can put on a brave face, smile, and try to make the best out of everything. There are many things I'll always regret, but today I'm choosing to make the best out of what could be a bad situation.
The sad part is I should have seen this coming.
Life has been going too well recently.
Wyatt hired Haley. She was able to move out of her shit-hole apartment and into a cute little one-bedroom place close to town. Gus loves going to work with him mama and steals the show every day. She's doing great, and Wyatt couldn't be happier to have her (or Gus) as part of the team.
My morning sickness has finally passed. For a minute, I thought it never would. The end of my final trimester is approaching, and I'm feeling great. Even though it's becoming harder to walk on my treadmill each day, I keep pushing myself. I gave up running a while ago, but I still want to exercise.
Surprisingly, I've had the urge to walk outside recently. I've attributed it to the warmer weather. With spring approaching, I'm ready to get out of the house and feel the sunshine on my face.
I've been having a lot of little urges lately.
For instance, my sex drive is outrageous. I want it all the time. Adam doesn't seem to mind.
I have the undeniable craving for sweets. I've always kept sweets in the house for Lola so I could spoil her rotten, but I never really enjoyed them myself. A cookie on occasion or maybe a sweet roll with breakfast. Outside of that, coffee has always been my go-to for something sweet.
Carmel, mocha, peppermint.
Maybe it's because I can't have coffee right now. It's the one thing that still turns my stomach.
At any rate, I've been stocking up on sweet treats. Adam caught me the other day, cookie crumbs on my shirt, crying on the couch when he came home from work. I was watching a sappy chick flick and ate an entire box of mint Oreos. The movie was long over by the time he arrived, and I was crying because I was getting fat and feeding our child so much sugar.
My emotions have been all over the place.
Adam talked me down, gave me another cookie, and took me to bed.
As soon as he touched me my tears stopped, and my body began to ache for his. I think he knew exactly what he was doing.
Today, as Chloe and I leave Fairview in the rear-view mirror, I suck in a deep breath, letting it out slowly, and put on a smile. We're headed to Denver to pick up my mother from the airport.
Chloe and I are having a dual baby shower this weekend, and my mother insisted she be here for it. Not that I mind. I love that she's coming to visit, I'm just concerned. The last time we saw each other, I left angry and although we've made our peace since then, it's still on my mind.
"Addison Marie,I raised you better than this. You don't run from your problems."
We've had this conversation no less than six times today, yet we're about to have it again. Correction. She's about to have it again. I've stopped talking altogether. There's no point.
She doesn't want to hear what I have to say. My opinion doesn't matter to her anymore. I've spoken my peace, she knows where I stand on the subject, and I'm not changing my mind. No matter how hard she tries to 'reason' with me.
"Your father would be disappointed in you, you know that?"
Low. Fucking. Blow.
Do not engage, Addison. Don't do it.
"You have no idea what Dad would think about this. He always supported me, even when he thought I was making a mistake. Why can't you do the same for once?"
So much for not engaging.
"Because you're about to throw your entire future away. You can't just leave. That doesn't solve anything, and you know it."
"The way I see it, Mom, I have two options. I can stay here and rot, be reminded of everything that happened and how much it hurt. Or I can leave and try and start over. There's no changing my situation here. I have to move on. So, no, I'm not throwing away my future, I'm rewriting it."
