AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Mya
What the hellwas I thinking?
I wasn't. There's no other explanation for it. I wasn't thinking when I let my secret spill. I wasn't thinking when I told him it was okay to not use a condom. I wasn't thinking when I thrust upward so he went deeper inside me.
My only focus was on how amazing it felt not to have anything between us. How much I wanted to feel more of him, all of him.
That was the moment I realized that I was in too deep. I couldn't hide my feelings anymore. They were on display. My heart was yearning for his. And I wanted him to feel the same way.
I knew he did.
It was obvious. I'd been ignoring the signs for weeks. Since the moment we made the agreement.
Why did I think I could do this?
Sure, Max had a relationship without strings attached. It seemed perfect. No one knew about it. They both agreed to keep it a secret. No one got hurt because no one expected anything from the other person.
I didn't operate like that. Couldn't. And I should have known it was a bad idea to begin with.
Because I already had feelings for him.
I wasn't even living in a state of denial. Every time I saw him my heart sped up. Each touch sent my desires into overdrive. Every time our eyes connected, I felt the pull.
Which makes me an idiot for even trying. Fuck buddies was never going to be our thing. I’m either going to have to go all in or not at all, and I don't like the thought of either. Being with him scares me. Being without him hurts.
The pain outweighs the fear. It's time to be honest with myself.
I can't let Brady promise to give me everything because I can't return that promise. I can't give him something I know he'll want someday. I can't destroy his dreams.
Kids are not in my future.
And I guarantee when Brady thinks about what he wants after college, a family is one of them. A wife, kids, the house with the white picket fence.
I know I want all those things. I also know I won't have them, but he still can. With someone else.
Finding out I had polycystic ovarian syndrome was hard. I never gave much thought to why my periods weren't regular. I assumed it was because of my birth control. Sometimes they would come like clockwork, and other times I'd skip a month or two. As busy as I was with school, I assumed the added stress contributed to the abnormality.
Nope. Not even close.
I wasn't ovulating regularly. And when that happens apparently you don't have periods regularly. And when you don't tell your doctor about it because you're busy and you miss your appointment, things can get progressively worse.
Which led me here.
To the chance I may never be able to have a child of my own. Because my body is defective.
I haven't told anyone about it. Not even my parents. I don't want to shatter their dreams of being grandparents yet. I know it's going to break my mom's heart.
So it's a secret I've been harboring for six months. The only reason I even found out is because I missed my period after Brian and I broke up, and I wanted to make sure I wasn't pregnant with the asshole's child. The good news is I wasn't. The bad news is I may never be.
Yet, I confessed my nightmare to Brady tonight.
Which was a wake-up call in more ways than one.
"You're home early," Cleo says, tapping on my open door. "With the hours you've been keeping, I'm surprised to see you before midnight."
She has a point. I've been getting home later each night. Staying wrapped up in Brady longer. And then I accidentally fell asleep at Brady's last night and had to sneak out of his apartment this morning. Cleo caught me sneaking into the sorority house.
"Sorry if I've kept you up."
