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“Harper …” His tone is stern. “What about whatyoudeserve?”
“I’m not saying I’m going to do it. I’m just saying I have to think through my next move very carefully.”
Digger reaches out and takes my hand. “You deserve to have someone who loves you and loves the kids, Harper. Someone who puts you first.”
“I’m afraid that’s not going to happen. The world I’m coming from is not set up for that.” I could never date another actor or anyone that’s in a job that requires public adoration. And let’s face it, that’s pretty much all of LA.
“So move. Leave that world behind and start over someplace else.” He says it like it’s the simplest thing in the world to do.
I pick up my pace to a jog, hoping that the sooner we get to the lodge, the sooner this conversation will end. “It’s not that easy. My kids have friends there, that’s where Brett lives when he’s not on location. Plus, if I did decide to leave, I have no idea where I’d go.”
“So you’d consider staying with him just so you don’t have to face a fresh start? I thought you were braver than that.”
Well,thathurts.
When I don’t say anything, he adds, “Where’s the woman who faced a possible bear attack while locked in an outhouse?”
I want to laugh and cry at the same time. “Please don’t hold that woman up as the gold standard. I nearly peed my pants when I saw that bear.”
“Come on, Harper, you know what you have to do. If you stay with Brett, he’s going to slowly suck the life out of you until there’s nothing left. And eventually, when the kids get older, they’re going to figure out what’s going on. If they realize their mom agreed to live on those terms, when she had so many other options available to her, they just might repeat it themselves.”
“So many options?”
He stares at me for a second, making me wonder if he might just consider himself as one of those options, but when he speaks, he quickly disabuses me of the notion. “It’s not like you’re going to wind up on the streets or something. You’ll still have more money than most people ever dream of. And it’s not like you’ll have trouble finding a better man than that turd you married. You know, if you decide you want to go down that road again.”
“I can’t decide my entire life this morning, okay? Especially not when my brain is this fuzzy.”
“How can this even be a decision for you? It’s so clear what you need to do.”
“Nothing’s clear when you have children,” I tell him, tears springing to my eyes. “Do you know how awful it felt to have to send them off with their dad like that? Knowing that this is just the beginning of every moment I’m going to miss with them for their entire childhood? I’m going to miss half of it, Digger. Half of everything.” I try to choke back a sob, but I can’t.
He lets out a long sigh, his face softening. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to upset you. I’d just hate to see you sell yourself short.”
“You mean like you’re doing?” I ask, keeping my tone gentle.
“This isn’t about me,” he answers, picking up his pace. “I’m living the life I want. You aren’t.”
Shaking my head, I tell him, “That is such crap.”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me. That’s just a lie you tell yourself because you’re scared. You won’t even consider getting married because of what your mom did. It seems to me like if you’re not willing to practice what you preach, you might want to get off the pulpit.”
His spins around so fast, I stumble backwards. “My mother deserted me. She walked out of my life, making it clear that my sister and I were not a factor in the choices she made. My situation is a world apart from yours.”
“I’m telling you thatasa mother, I want what’s best for my kids. One would think that given yoursituation, you could respect that.” If I weren’t suddenly ravenous for pancakes and eggs, I’d turn around and go back to my cabin.
We walk in an angry silence for a minute, until he sighs and says, “Look, Harper, I’m not trying to upset you. You’re a great mom, awonderfulmom. But your kids won’t always be this young, and they’re eventually going to hear about the kind of man their dad is. By staying with him, you’re training your son to think it’s okay to cheat on his wife, and you’re telling Lily it’s okay to stay with an unfaithful man. Is that what you want for them?”
“I hadn’t really thought of it like that.” My voice is no more than a whisper. “I guess I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.”
He shakes his head. “It may feel that way now, but that won’t last forever.”
“You never healed from your mother’s desertion,” I challenge him.
The look in Digger’s eyes is full of pain. “You’re better than I am, Harper. You’re stronger and more courageous. You can do anything and succeed.”
“I think the same thing about you.”
