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He held my gaze, his eyes growing a deeper blue as the sun continued its ascent over the edge of the earth.
“Do not say it is because you have an independent income,” I said, “because I possess that as well.”
He nodded as though he agreed. “Our situations are not so very different—”
“Thank you.”
“—but they could not be more different at the same time.”
“I am not in the mood for riddles.”
“No,” he said quietly. “I do not think you would be.” Benedict looked out over the expanse of land, the muscle in his jaw jumping as he appeared to be considering something. When he turned his attention back on me, it was with a sense of determination that made my heart rate jump.
“Why do you appear as though you are preparing to run into battle?” I asked.
“I’ve laid down my battle weapons, remember?”
It seemed to me that in doing so, and lowering his defensive walls, he had somehow only become more of a threat.
He sighed. “Do you . . . do youwantto be married, Thea? To find a husband?” he asked, his face crumpling slightly to show how difficult of a question it was for him to ask.
I looked at him sharply. “Of course I do.” I wanted a husband and children and a home of my own that was not dependent on England’s relationship with another country or my father’s political aspirations. Only, I wanted all of those thingsandthe surety that they would remain mine—that my husband would be mine alone, that my home would be steady and secure. I did not wish for a marriage to a lord who blessed me with a child and then spent his time away from us.
“Then why are you so adamantly opposed to attending the Season?”
“Because I do not think the man who will love me will be attending it.”
“The man who will love you?” he choked out. “Gads, Thea. If you already had a beau, you need only to have said so.”
“I do not have anyone. I only meant that the type of man who will love me is certainly not a member of theton. So why would I waste time going to balls when he is elsewhere?”
“You have not met this man, but you are assuming he does not dance?”
“I have not met him, and I care not for whether or not he can dance.” I was tired of skirting the issue. “I’ve watched Society’s interactions from afar, and I know very well the dance and games played between men and women in the ballrooms. I do not wish to be part of that spectacle, and I’m certain the man who would love me would feel the same.”
“Your logic astounds me.”
“You do not have to agree with me, Ben. You asked, and I am telling you my opinions.”
“Fair enough. I am only trying to help you, but you are making it increasingly difficult. If this mysterious man does not frequent Society functions, where had you hoped to find him?”
In a kitchen when he delivered the grocer order. In a quiet country parish away from London. In the seamstress’s shop where I’d hoped to meet customers coming in to purchase items for their mothers or sisters. In the churchyard after Sunday service in Brumley. Anywhere that did not glitter with excess and greed.
I looked up into Benedict’s curious gaze and found my heart stalling, my breath abating. I could not allow him admittance into the quiet hopes and dreams I’d scarcely admitted to myself—not this man who played the social games in ballrooms and with women’s emotions that I was trying to avoid.
Turning away, I set my gaze on the rising sun and watched the autumnal colors glow like fire in the trees.
“Anywhere else,” I finally said. “I want a love match, and that cannot be forced.”
“No,” he agreed quietly, his voice oddly hoarse. “I do not think it can.”
Chapter14
BENEDICT
Nearly a week had passed since Thea and I had returned to Chelton, and after that first morning race to the folly, we had made something of a daily habit of finding one another in the stables at dawn and sharing our morning ride. The conversations had not reached the depth they had that first morning, but I was happy to have a companion to keep me from my thoughts.
It was when I rode alone that I most frequently searched my soul, and at present, that felt a dangerous course to travel.
