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Chapter22
THEA
Ilifted the skirt of my habit so it wouldn’t drag in the muck and kissed Luna on the nose before leaving her in her stall. Our ride had been cut short today because the January air was too cold for prolonged exposure. Tomorrow I ought to try going out after noon, for the sun would be stronger then. Perhaps I could last a little longer.
Footsteps crunched on the gravel, and I rounded the corner to find Benedict coming toward me. We both stopped halfway through the arched entrance of the stables, the elongated ceiling resembling a tunnel.
“How unfortunate that I should just miss you,” I said.
“I am not riding about the estate.”
“Oh? You have more business to attend to?” For a gentleman of leisure and means, he certainly had a great deal of business discussions. Unless . . . unless bybusiness,he meant a woman. Marriage contracts were business arrangements, after all. My stomach dropped and I tried to cover my sudden dismay with a pert smile.
“I am hopeful that today will be the last of any meetings for a while.”
My heart hammered in my chest. “You think it will be wrapped up so soon?”
“It will have to be.” He shrugged. “If we are off to London in the next few weeks, I will need to conduct the rest of my business through correspondence.”
“If you have reached a point of corresponding with one another, then you must have nearly reached an understanding.” For one certainly did not correspond with a person of the opposite sex unless they were engaged, and Benedict was a gentleman. He would never put Miss Dodwell’s reputation in jeopardy.
“Nearly.” His mouth tipped up into a smile. “Henry and I are off to look at a house today.”
My heart fell to my feet. “Goodness, that is a large step.”
He sighed. “It is. I do not feel as ready as I should, perhaps.”
“Do not engage your heart if you cannot see the matter through.”
Benedict’s eyebrows pulled together, and he ran a hand over his chin. “I have been very careful not to let my heart guide my choices thus far. This is strictly business. Numbers and cost versus the benefits, that sort of thing.”
I tucked my chin, a little disturbed by the cold way he viewed marriage. It was a good thing I had not revealed my growing emotions, for Benedict was no better than Father, and this was proof. “Gracious, that seems rather . . . well, it is none of my concern. I wish you luck today, I suppose.” I started to walk away.
“You could be a little happier for me,” he said, gathering my attention.
I paused, turning back to face him. His eyes looked dark in the dim tunnel and the muscle jumped as his jaw flexed, made more obvious by the shadows over his face. “Do you wish it? For me to be happy for you?”
He stepped closer, his fingers crossing the space between us to flutter along the back of my gloved hand where I was bunching my gown. I dropped the train onto the muddy floor at once as a shiver raced up my arm. “Yes,” he said hoarsely. “I do, above all things.”
“Why should my opinion hold any merit?”
“Surely you have seen by now how much I value it?”
I did. He was correct, and he had proved as much by seeking out my companionship and conversation since we returned to Chelton together and agreed on the truce. But I could not allow it. I wanted to lean forward and inhale his spicy, tangy scent. I wanted his fingers to dance lightly over mine again. I wanted his smile to be for me, and me alone.
But it was not. He was on his way to look into an estate to purchase for a family he would have with someone else. He was being, at present, exactly as my father was—the type of man I couldneverbe with.
It was unfair that fate chose to put Benedict into my life, to make me love him, then make him wholly wrong for me.
Love? I gasped and stepped back. It was a truth I could no longer refuse to acknowledge, but I knew I could not do so while facing him. I turned away, striding from the stables with little care for my hem. I would help Hannah scrub it later. I had proven that I could scrub well enough in my last position.
Benedict called my name once, but I ignored him, and he did not do so again. I passed Henry halfway back to the house and managed a smile for him but did not so much as slow my pace.
The house was nearing, and its protection was within reach. I tore inside much faster than a lady ought to and ran up the stairs toward my chamber. Hannah was already in my room, laying out my gown and clearing the implements she had used earlier to put up my hair.
“I thought the light green for today—” She stopped upon seeing the tears streaking my cheeks and laid the gown back on the bed. “What can I fetch for you, miss?”
“Nothing.” I closed the door and crossed to the window. From this vantage point I could not see the stables, and something in me desired to, greatly. If I hurried, I could make it to the drawing room by the time Benedict’s horse was saddled. I wiped my eyes and faced my maid with resolution. “Help me dress quickly.”
