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I will be here when she marries her Romanian man, possibly even falls for him. She will have babies with another man – someone who isn’t me. All of it will be right before my eyes as I continue to protect her like some sentinel. I am not allowed to say anything, to feel anything, or to have a say other than the name I was given to start with by Domn himself.
And it will never involve me.
Fuck!
I know I am probably alerting the whole house to my feelings as I chuck the empty bottle at the wall across from me. Hopefully, they will just chalk it up to being all about Kristof's death. I bet they will think that's acceptable for me to have one day to grieve over that, right?
But this, the real reason, is completely unacceptable to me. Why should I fucking care what Willow does with another man if she marries another man?
I am not the one to be controlled or be vulnerable in any way because of a damn woman, even one as powerful as Willow is. And yet, here we are.
Here I am, throwing shit at the wall over her and wondering how in the world told to shut her out and shut this off. I have made it too damn personal, and don’t I know it.
I have to do it, I have to desensitize myself to her. And since I can't seem to pass out like I want, I will go and start now. Hopefully, we will be sitting in grief and silence anyway.
I sigh and change my clothes, rinse my mouth out so I don’t reek of booze. Then, I find her, back in the same room where I found her before, the den. This time, she is sitting, though. I lean against the wall next to her and pretend I am a statue.
That’s all I am in her life until she needs me. that’s how it should be. That’s my job.
Finally, she says something, and I am unsure for a minute is the reflective statement is meant for me, or if my presence is remaining like a ghost as it should be, and she is simply talking to herself.
"I don't know if even I have understood until this moment why I have always been so angry with my father. Sure, I have plenty of reasons to not be a fan of him. He has never proven himself worthy of the word. But it's not just that. Considering what his life is like, I can understand keeping us at a bit of a distance when I was younger. If it was for our safety. I even get the initial embarrassment that he had cheated on his wife. But it was about how he reacted after my mother died. That’s why I am so livid about it all. Why I started a new life and pretended like I could be someone else entirely forever."
She pauses for a moment and glances back at me where I am standing, making it clear that she is talking to me to some extent. I don’t know how I am meant to help her or what I am supposed to say. I get that I am likely all she has to talk to right now, but I can’t be that person.
"Once she was gone, he should have been there on some way for me, or he should have given me to someone else who would love me the way a parent should. But he kept me like a possession yet still didn’t even try to love me or get to know me," she finishes, shaking her head. I can't say I wouldn’t be pretty damn pissed about that as well, but right now, I just can’t be there for her. This is a mistake, being out there with her. It isn’t going to do what I think it will.
Or maybe, I can use this to my advantage.
I step in front of her and lean down, hearing her heartbeat quicken. I am not going to try and decipher whether it’s because she has a thing for me or just because she’s nervous what I might be up to.
I kiss her gently on the forehead, possibly more lingering than I mean to be, and then I tell her what I need to say. "I am here as your bodyguard," I remind her, and it comes out more cruelly than I originally intended. But, it is likely for the best. "I am not here to console you."
