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Piper stops rambling about Saxon, her red dress pressed against her body. “What?”
“Pathetic,” I repeat, waving my diary in front of me. “Have I always been so…needy?”
When Piper appears to be weighing up how to respond, I know the answer is yes.
“Oh my god. Why didn’t you tell me? These diaries make me sound like I was following Sam around like a lost puppy dog. When did I lose my independence? Or the better question is, did I ever have any?”
Piper tosses the dresses onto the bed and sits down beside me. “You were never pathetic. Just in love. You were smitten by Sam, everyone could see that. There’s nothing wrong with that. He loves you more than life itself. You’re his, or were, his world.”
Sighing, I confess, “But I feel like I’ve sacrificed pieces of myself to fit into Samuel’s world.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, I never ate red meat, but a year into our relationship, I was chomping on a steak like a famished caveman.”
Piper giggles. “Choosing to eat red meat is hardly sacrificing your independence.”
“I know, but it started out with little things. I only went to the college that I did because Sam went there. I never really explored my options. I would have loved to travel to places like Tibet, Nepal, or Peru and done some soul searching. But instead, I feel like I settled.” I can’t believe I’m saying this aloud, as I didn’t even know I felt this way.
No one’s relationship is perfect and that’s the problem. I thought mine was. Sam was my perfect guy. He was the one guy everyone wanted and he wanted me. I felt privileged to be seen with him. How sad is that?
“For argument’s sake, let’s say that you did settle. Why the sudden epiphany? I know Sam has been a complete asshole to you, but there’s got to be a reason why you’re thinking this way,” she wisely says. But I can’t tell her. If I tell her, then I’ll have to admit to myself that the reason is Saxon.
He’s pushed my buttons from the get go, but in some strange, unexpected way, he’s helped me uncover who I want to be. It makes no sense, but I feel that Samuel and I both woke up after his accident changed people.
Piper is still looking at me, waiting for an answer, but it’s an answer I can’t give. “I’m just being stupid,” I say, dismissing my thoughts. Stretching out, I drag the red dress off the bed. “This is nice, except, where’s the rest of it?”
Piper bursts into laughter. “Hopefully by the end of the night, on Saxon’s bedroom floor.” Her comment makes me feel uneasy, but I smile.
Looking at the lone dress sitting on the bed, I reach for it and finger the soft silk. The dress is actually a beige, sleeveless romper with a pretty floating feather print. The plunging neckline matches the short shorts, but it’s tasteful enough that if I bent over, I wouldn’t be flashing the entire room.
“Can I wear this?”
Piper doesn’t hide her surprise. “I didn’t think it was your style.” Just as I open my mouth, she amends, “Which is exactlywhyyou should wear it. Nothing like kicking off your newfound independence with some cleavage.”
No matter my mood, Piper can always pick me up off the ground. I feel incredibly guilty for not telling her about what happened between Saxon and me. The thought has me wondering if he told her about why he left his bike at the saloon. I haven’t seen him since his return, so I haven’t been able to ask him.
“Did Saxon tell you why he left his bike?” I decide to ask, curious.
She pops her gum. “Just that he went out and had the best night of his life.” I gulp. “He didn’t tell me who he went with. Do you know?”
I pull at an invisible thread on the romper. “Nope, no idea.” The moment the lie leaves my lips, I feel like the world’s worst friend. There is no reason for me to lie, but I did. I’m too gutless to look at the bigger picture.
“Oh well. I’ll just have to make sure tonight is the best night of his life, so all other nights pale in comparison.” When she wiggles her eyebrows up and down, I shake my head, laughing.
“Did you want to get ready first? I really should clean up this mess,” I say, referring to my diaries littering the floor.
“Yes, best to take the temptation away from prying eyes,” she replies with bite. “Still can’t believe he read them. He broke like some vow doing so.” Her harmless comment has me lowering my eyes becauseI’mthe one guilty of that.
* * * * *
“It’s not too much?”
“Yes, it’s way too much, but that’s not a bad thing,” Piper says, smacking my hand away as I try and wipe away the layers of gloss she’s applied to my lips.
I would have never bothered dressing up in the past, seeing as there are more important things in the world, like feeding the hungry, but it does feel kind of liberating shedding the old me and starting with something fresh.
Piper curled my long hair, the honey blonde curls falling down my back, making me feel feminine and pretty. She then went to town on my face, plumping, primping, and painting every surface until I emerged looking like someone other than me.
